Fiance' has female friend (s)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Fiance' has female friend (s)
11
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 10:46am

Hi, this is the first time that I posted on here. It is kind of long.

My fiance and I have been together a little over a year. We had some trust issues in the beginning with him flirting with other women over instant messenger and calling other women when out of town. We are in counseling now and things have improved greatly. We haven't been able to go to counseling lately, because his job has him out of town a lot. (BTW: He doesn't use his messenger anymore)

My current issue is this: he has a female friend who he met on a dating site years back. He said that it evolved into a friendship, but I know there must have been initial attraction and flirtation. He said that he would have dated her if she lived closer. His contact with her since I have been in the picture appears to be about fairly trivial things. I just feel a little uncomfortable with the relationship because we are moving to Houston, Tx where she lives. He is wanting for us to meet up with her since we don't know many people there. I am a little uncomfortable about it. They have never met in person before, and I think that it may just be asking for trouble. I am not sure if I should just meet her...with the "keep your enemies close mentality", "befriend the enemy"...or just plain put my foot down? They have been writing back and forth on myspace. No, I am not above snooping.. I don't want to hear about it. I feel like I have a right to know since he broke trust before!!! She wrote him a message saying that he shouldn't get married because they don't work out these days. Plus, she says that he hasn't known me that long. (I don't think he told her when we started going out)He said that she knew, but I found out that she didn't know until this year when he asked if I could use her address to job hunt. Maybe she forgot or he thought he told her... Anyway, she keeps warning him about me...she doesn't know me..we have never even spoke. Then, she looked at a picture of us on my myspace profile and noticed he gained weight. She offered to go running with him when we move there. He turned her down, but he didn't defend me or tell her to back off or anything. Am I overreacting? Should I meet her? Should I tell him that I don't think he should involve her in our lives??? Just wanting to know what others think.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 12:57pm
I tend to look at these issues in a stricter fashion than some so, just a little warning. I would be concerned also. Not so much that he has this woman as a friend but by the fact that she tried to talk him out of marrying you. That right there is a big red flag, and so is the fact that he remained friendly with her. My DH had a female friend when we first met. After we got engaged she acted very pissy about it and never RSVP'd to the invite. She also never even sent him a congratulatory card. Once he realized that she had a bad attitude about the whole thing he dumper her. That was a different situation than yours as DH was not close with her, relationship wise or geographically. I was very proud of DH for seeing her jealousy as what it was and ending the friendship. I guess I feel that your fiance should look at it that way as well, though I know it isn't realistic to expect that. I agree that it could cause issues if she continues to have this attitude. I can imagine if he ever tells her ( not that he should ) about an argument you guys have, that she will be right there to say I told you so. If I were in your shoes I would calmly discuss it with him. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable and that while you trust him ( do you really? ) that her attitude scares you and you are afraid that she might try to get between you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 1:52pm

Thanks for responding Maria.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 2:06pm

I'm going to be blunt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 2:48pm

After thinking about this for a while, I came to the same conclusion that sjmystic did (unfortunately). This is only the symptom of a big problem.

He accepts a friend who doesn't seem to respect your relationship.
He is also trying to deceive you when she contacts him rather than being honest.
Yet you have legitimate (alleged) trust issues brought on by him in the past and tend to "overreact" in addition.

I'm not sure marriage is the best place for you right now. Have you addressed these issues in counseling in the past? How have you been able to work past them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 4:30pm

I agree wholeheartedly with the last two posters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 8:34pm
I appreciate your response to my issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 10:00pm

"That is why I haven't set a date, and won't, until we have resolved our issues."
That is extremely wise and mature.

He has a long way to go in learning about you. A couple that is ready to even CONSIDER marriage can bring up tough issues without having to waffle back and forth about it. There is no rush. It's more important that you work on your issues as a couple now. As for his female friend, it's entirely possible to say it in a sane way that promotes respect for your feelings. You can say, "I respect your friendships but I feel really badly about the way this girl has been talking about me. It makes me very uncomfortable that you would keep her as a friend when she doesn't respect us as a couple. Can you try to understand where I'm coming from and put yourself in my shoes? If she's important to you then I will accept it, but I would like to know why you tolerate her remarks against our relationship if you cherish me."

I would hope that you would choose a man who would always defend you to others. His desire to protect you, physically and mentally, says a lot for his character as a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 11:01pm

There are red flags here - like he would have dated her if they lived closer, she is not supportive of his relationship with you and is trying to influence him not to marry you and she is trying to wedge herself in as a regular buddy with him.


I know he is being practical by thinking he can use her to meet people when you move, but that behavior is not going to work out well in the end for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 12:40am

Welcome to the board jkb_35,


If he would have dated her and she doesn't respect his relationship, then he's playing with fire by still communicating with her.


Have you read: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 9:21am

I am certainly hearing what all of you are saying and do have valid points.

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