Fiance is a Perv & it's driving me nuts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fiance is a Perv & it's driving me nuts!
21
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:15pm
Posted this the other day....have some stuff to add to it.

I caught my fiancee on the phone with one of his ex-girlfriends jerking off. I reamed him about it and he said that she (the ex) didn't know what he was doing, that they were not talking about anything sexual. He said that jerking off like that is just a habbit. A few days later I caught him on the internet asking for a woman's phone number so they could have phone sex. I know he loves me but I really don't like the fact that he is calling his ex or strange women to have phone sex with them. I've begged him not to do this, not to call other women. He said that the only reason he calls them is it's easier to talk to them on the phone and jerk off than it is to jerk off and type on the computer. Apparently he is on his webcam messing around with other women all the time. He says it's not cheating but I feel like it is. I'm afraid to go to sleep before him because I'm afraid I'll wake up and he will be doing it again. I hate going to work on his days off for the same reason. I am thinking about leaving him (again, left once before because of this but came back when he promised not to do it anymore), but I don't have any money nor do I have anywhere to go at this time. Please help me, am I overreacting or underreacting? I think I should leave, but I'm just not sure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:25pm
Lou...

Let's cut to the chase here.

If you're suspicious of your fiancee before you take the vows....things will only get progressively worse after the honeymoon!

Pianoguy noticed you used the word "PERV" when you referenced the guy you plan to marry. Does this conjure up any sort of respect for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I'm not suggesting that this guy is perfect, but when YOU are already uncomfortable by his actions with other women (on the phone or the internet)....what's keeping you with him? (Unless he's got a non-stop libido)!

Drop him...and let him enjoy his "harem!"

Meanwhile...move on with your life!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:31pm

I think the response you got when you posted before was pretty much unanimous that you are NOT overreacting!


Sheri


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:38pm


What did you think of that last responses to your post?

'again, left once before because of this but came back when he promised not to do it anymore'

And is he living up to his promise? This isn't just a habit like biting your fingernails and it *is* cheating.


Do you have any income or family friends to help you out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:06pm
I just recently lost my job due to health problems (had a miscarriage with complications, passing out at work...ect). And no i don't have no one to help me. I just found something else out a few minutes ago. He has to pay to talk to these women on the internet and he's been charging it to MY credit cards. As soon as I get some money I'm gone. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand being hurt constantly. I cry all the time now. I'm miserable and unfortunately I have no way out right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:12pm
Heck, if anything your underreacting!! Like everyone else said, he promised not to do it anymore but he has. What your describing is more of a disorder than a habit and because he gets so much enjoyment out of it and refuses to stop it will only get worse. They are right...it is cheating!!! Maybe not "physically" (yet) but at least "emotionally". Stay just long enough to get yourself financially able to leave. If you don't have a job then get one, if you do then put EVERY bit of your spare money in a savings acount until you have enough for a downpayment on another place and 1st months rent and then get the heck out of dodge (start looking today...by the time your ready I'm sure you'll have found a heck of a place that you can more than afford-it just takes preserverance!)...better yet find a friend or family member that will let you stay with them until you get financially able to leave for good. I don't think your in a healthy situation at all and although it will be harder than any of us can imagine it IS the best thing for you to do as soon as possible. It may be hard for you to see this because you are right smack dab in the middle of it all but for us who are reading from the outside, well, I think the vote is unanimous!!...best of luck to you...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:35pm

Oh, my gosh, he's STEALING from you too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:25pm
I agree with Sheri about the credit card and with the poster that said this is not a habit, but a disorder, or fetish or whatever, not typical behavior in my circles.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 4:13am

oh man.... honey, there never is a "good time" to leave. i would be scared to live with someone like that. i walked out on my STBX a few months ago, i also had no money (lucky i had a job), but i knew that it was my life and my son's life that were at stake, and you know what - i still have no money, but i discovered that there ar ea lot of great people out there, and if you are willing to lower (i mean REALLY lower) your standard of living for a while, then just do it....


sorry about your miscarriage.... sorry about this whole sorry story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 1:00pm
This guy is a scumbag, a cheater and he is stealing from you!! Leave him! Why do you want to marry this man????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:03am
Okay, we had it out this am. Told him that if I caught him at it again I was leaving. He says it's like an addiction, that he's trying to quit, but it's "so hard." Told him I understand that but he has to understand where I'm coming from. I feel like he's cheating everytime he does this. I have found a job...starts soon. I have put some things on layaway for a new apartment. I have also found an apartment I think I can afford, it may be tight for a while, but I know I can do it. Thanks for all the advice. If you have anymore on how I should get through the next few weeks till I can move please feel free. I need all the help I can get.

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