Fiance is a Perv & it's driving me nuts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fiance is a Perv & it's driving me nuts!
21
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:15pm
Posted this the other day....have some stuff to add to it.

I caught my fiancee on the phone with one of his ex-girlfriends jerking off. I reamed him about it and he said that she (the ex) didn't know what he was doing, that they were not talking about anything sexual. He said that jerking off like that is just a habbit. A few days later I caught him on the internet asking for a woman's phone number so they could have phone sex. I know he loves me but I really don't like the fact that he is calling his ex or strange women to have phone sex with them. I've begged him not to do this, not to call other women. He said that the only reason he calls them is it's easier to talk to them on the phone and jerk off than it is to jerk off and type on the computer. Apparently he is on his webcam messing around with other women all the time. He says it's not cheating but I feel like it is. I'm afraid to go to sleep before him because I'm afraid I'll wake up and he will be doing it again. I hate going to work on his days off for the same reason. I am thinking about leaving him (again, left once before because of this but came back when he promised not to do it anymore), but I don't have any money nor do I have anywhere to go at this time. Please help me, am I overreacting or underreacting? I think I should leave, but I'm just not sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:22pm
Well it's been a week since i issued the "ultimatum." Me or the porn/phone sex. So far so good, i haven't caught him at it.....then again he hasn't had time, been working and we had his son and our roommate's kids down all weekend. I've found an apartment(that I can afford) and have even started putting some things on layaway........i feel like a bitch, sneaking around behind his back doing all this, but i don't know that i have a choice anymore.......i can't leave yet, still not enough money put back, but i'm getting closer. If anyone can give me any suggestions on how i'm supposed to act, what i'm supposed to do before i leave, i'd appreciate it. He's been so nice this week, even brought me roses...i know i need to leave it just hurts really bad and i admit, i'm a little scared about leaving, wondering am i giving up the best thing that's ever happened to me or am i doin ghte right thing? i know i am...just hurts like hell because he can be a very caring and wonderful man....just doesn't realize why i hate when he does that stuff. anyway thanks for your help.....advice/suggestions welcome always
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:53pm
Well if I may be so bold to say just a few words ... and please don't take them wrong. Somebody once shared these words with me when I informed my husband of 18 years that I had about had it with his negative attitude. He would come down the stairs in the morning and the dog would be all happy, toenails clicking on the linoleum and she would bark a "woo woo" at him and he'd snap at her "shut the hell up!!" First thing in the morning I would have to hear this and it just really began getting to me. I mean is he really that unhappy that he felt the need to yell at the dog? Riding with him in a vehicle was always a pleasure too. Anyway I became weary from it. The evening I pointed my unhappiness out to him he agreed with me 100% and requested the opportunity to change that behavior.

Then somebody said to me "A leopard cannot change it's spots."

So with that I let a few weeks pass, even a few months and during that time my husband really did seem to make an effort to be more pleasant. Actually he became too nice, going way out of his way to impress me I guess. During that time I referred to him as my pseudo husband. I was not familiar with this individual. LOL

So now 4 months have passed and every day he is reverting back to his old ways. If I continually point the facts out to him, he then recognizes that he is doing it but if I leave him to his ways.....he's right back at it. So I guess a leopard cannot change it's spots about sums it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:11am
I am afraid to leave.....he says he will hurt himself if I ever leave him. He says he can't go on without me. What do I do? I haven't left, yet, now I'm afraid to. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to hurt himself, but I can't live like this anymore. Please help me, what do I do?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:10pm

He is not your responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:39pm
I am so glad that your finally getting out...like I said "it's more of an addiction than a habbit". I'm sorry to hear that he is stealing from you too and like someone said before...you really do need to report it to your credit card company...you do not and I repeat-do not- want this to ruin your credit. I'm really really sorry about your miscarriage. It will be very tight and hard for a while but once you see how much better you are and feel without him it will all be worthwhile...please keep us updated and let us know how your doing. If you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me anytime (cutecountry99@hotmail.com) I don't know why but I've really been worried about you since i've read your 1st posting. I do wish you the best of luck...1sweetnopichick
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:48pm
Also, what everyone else said about him not being your responsibility is sooo correct. What the one person said about a leapord not changing it's spots...that's something you should always remember...keep that with you forever and please don't give up on moving out. It will be the best for you. Keep putting all your spare money away and keep getting ready for your new apartment. One more thing, when you move, don't let him know where you live...no matter how much he wants to know. I've seen sooo many people make that mistake, their problems end up "following" them to there new life and they can never get away from it. Again...keep us posted and best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:19pm

i am really sorry for this but please DO NOT fall this --- its one of the OLDEST tricks in the book. if he decides to "hurt himself" --- there is NOTHING that you can about it, really. but usually

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:57am
Well things just seem to keep getting worse...the job i had lined up fell through, found out last week that my father has cancer, my truck broke down, I may have to have stomach surgery again (for the 4th time) and he is still "perving" on line....hasn't made any calls that I know of so i guess it's a little better but still. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever just get a break. I've found a great little apartment that I can afford, if I can ever get a job!! I'm to the point I don't know how much more I can take. My nerves are shot. I'm only sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night, not because he's on the computer but because I just can't sleep, can't quit worrying about everything. I'm losing weight because I'm never hungry, I eat maybe once a day, if that much. I'm literally at the end of my rope. Someone please help me!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:43pm

honey, again, nobody can DO this for you. i do't know where you live, or what kind of governmental help is available in terms of housing, food stamps, etc ---- but get help and get out. that is the only advice you are going to get here.


there are ALWAYS reasons for NOT leaving. i know, i've lived in a very unhealthy marriage for seven years, and i used every excuse. and they were all VALID reasons - i didn't have money; i had cancer; couldn't work more than i was working; could'nt get a different (possibly higher paying) job; i thought it would be harmful for my DS (now 17, my son from my previous marriage) to go thru another divorce; etc etc etc.


well---- what can i say, i moved out, with no money, i spoke with my boss and got some extra hours, i do work at home when i can, i can barely keep my head above water ---- but i am out of a dangerous situation, and my son is out of a dangerous situation. no - its not great, but it will get better. and its something that i am doing.


get help for yourself, and get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 1:30am
Okay, he's at it again...I am still trying to find a job, hopefully the interview I have this week will be the one. I have decided to see if he is "physically" cheating. I went to one of the porn sites that he is registered with and I registered with it under a different ID. then I sent him an email saying hi, liked your profile, since we're in the same neighborhood why don't wee get together. Sent it this afternoon, will find out what he does about it when he gets home from work in the morning. Well, we'll see how it goes. If everything works out with this job I should be moving out by the end of the month. Let me know what you think about this "scam" i guess I can call it. Thanks everyone for all your prayers and advice.....