fiance wants out?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-18-2008 - 6:13pm |
i have been with my fiance for 10 years now (engaged for 5). I have always worried a little bit that he doesn't love me as much as he should, and he's not abusive or anything, but he really likes the attention of other girls. I used to get jealous, but he assured me that he wanted to be with me only, and last year we did have an issue with a girl he was hanging out with a lot. it freaked me out so he stopped. The girl moved away and I didn't have to think about her anymore.
So i just got back from a trip with my parents. My fiance was acting really weird, and I couldn't figure out why. so finally last night, after i've been back for a week, he says he saw this girl at a show and they kissed. he seemed to feel guilty about it. But he said he thought kissing her would make him realize that he really loved me, but instead he didn't feel anything at all. He said part of him loves me but part of him doesn't love me like he feels that he should. So he basically confirmed what I thought was true.
Now I don't really know what to do. I love him so much, and I don't want to break up, but I think I deserve better. Almost all of our friends are mutual so I don't feel like I can talk to them yet. Breaking up will be very hard, and it might be easier to stay with him for awhile and see what happens, you know, if he can change? But I also think maybe he wants to break up, but he doesn't have the guts, and he did this so i'd have to break up with him. but i don't want to!
how forgivable is kissing someone else? I can understand why he did it, but it still hurts me a lot. this sucks! please, has anyone else been through something like this? I don't know how to proceed!

How old are you and your BF/fiance?
I think starbuck's advice to you is very wise. I agree you do sound pretty young yeah?
"I don't want to break up, but I think I deserve better."
No one wants to break up. Breaking up sucks, it hurts like hell, and it's a period of doubt, sadness, grief, and uncertainty. Why would anyone WANT to go through that? They don't, it's just a necessary side effect of turning and taking a different path in life. One that you KNOW is ultimately happier. So people go through it because they have to, because you have to take pain sometimes in order to heal. Life goes on after the pain, and it's 100% your choice whether you have a happy life or a miserable life.
Of course you are filled with doubt now, this is the man you've been with for ten years. It's normal to feel the way you do. But don't you think there's a reason you've been engaged for five years and aren't married yet?
"I also think maybe he wants to break up, but he doesn't have the guts, and he did this so i'd have to break up with him."
I suspect you have a point there. Sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking, "if he didn't really want to be with me, then wouldn't he leave?" It doesn't always work that way. Some people just take the easier way out.
I agree that you deserve better, les. Think of how happy you would be to receive the love and attention and affection you really want from him. I don't think he can give you that. After this long together, it's either 100% right or it's not right at all. I imagine that you two are in for a good talk about what you want from one another, why you are together, what you can each do to make a future together, and most importantly, IF you are both in it for good. Don't settle for anything less than 100% commitment.
"But he said he thought kissing her would make him realize that he really loved me,"
What a crock!
But, most mature adults don't stay engaged for 5 years! They get married.
Welcome to the board les2008,
You've gotten excellent input from 3 different people already,
Firstly, you've been engaged for quite a long time and known each other even longer. Why haven't you married sooner? Perhaps both of you felt that the time wasn't right or that the feelings between you weren't quite there yet. It sounds to me as though he has a need to explore his own feelings and also has some desire to be with other women, so he can find out what he's truly feeling. Naturally, this is very painful for you and probably for him as well. It sounds to me as though it would be a good idea for the two of you to seek couple counselling to talk things through, get a professional look at the situation, and find a way to make a healthy choice for both of you in the best way possible.
Although it is painful to part, it is better to do so if the relationship isn't right. And, to see if it is truly right, or can be worked out to be more fulfilling, therapy would help a lot.
Best wishes,
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.