Fiancee Chatting with guy online

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Fiancee Chatting with guy online
1
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 4:45pm
I'm getting Married in October and I just recently found out that my fiancee was talking to another man online about our personal issues. I do have a fear of being cheated on and my woman talking to guys online and I expressed this to her. She went online and is talking to some guy I don't have a clue who he is but she claims he was a friend for 4-5 years. I'm upset because she knew it was one of my fears of her talking to guys online and cheating.. and I guess because she was upset with that fact that I DO recognize I have trust issues she felt a need to talk to someone. What I don't understand is why would she do something that would only hurt me more. She knew it was one of my fears. I told her she could of talk to anyone of her girlfriends or her brothers if she needed a guys opinion like she claimed. At first she told me he was a friend that IMed her and she only told him we were engaged and swore on it. Swore on my daughter.. then I ask her to sign online in front of me if she had nothing to hide... she did and he was online and I then took over and started to talk to him. When I said and pretended I was her.. he made it like he didn't know who I was.. then he asked.. what do i call you?.. My girl then told me her nickname was Misty.. something I never heard before.. and then he asked what do you call me. To me that sounds like code names and sounded sneaky and shady. she said she lied because she was scared that I would flip over simple conversation and that she was asking a friend for advice. I do admit I have trust issues a bit. I'm just confused on how I should feel. She don't seem to have to much remorse.. I thought we were madly in love.. and she is mad if I bring it up that it is kinda hurting me. As matter a fact.. She just seen me typing this for advice and she got upset and left.. I'm only looking for some help and if I can't talk to her about it.. I wanted another opinion.
Thanks!
Jo Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:46pm

I think you're right to not trust your fiance's online chatting with this man.

However, before I talk about your fiance's behaviour, I want to talk about your trust issues. There is a reasonable amount of trust that you should give someone, but your partner should also earn that trust.

Tell me how you'd feel about the following scenario: I am married with two kids. A couple of years ago I was contacted online by my first love (we dated 20 years ago). We had a great chat on the phone, followed by email catch ups. I invited him our house for a BBQ and to meet my sister and her family for a reunion. My husband was there and they got on very well. We do stay in email contact, but only about 3 times per year. We exchange family photos and I when receive mail from him, I will ask my husband if he's interested to read my ex's latest news. My email is on MS Outlook, and it's not password protected.

If I were your wife, would you trust me with this level of contact? You see, if this transparent contact would cause you angst, then I suggest you have some serious issues that need addressing. But if the transparency I give would make you comfortable, then I imagine you are probably not too screwed up.

you write >>What I don't understand is why would she do something that would only hurt me more. She knew it was one of my fears. I told her she could of talk to anyone of her girlfriends or her brothers if she needed a guys opinion like she claimed.<<

I believe it's unreasonable to expect her to not have male friends because you have trust issues. She can't tiptoe around your fears forever just to keep you happy. She need to do what's right for her too. If my husband had trust issues, it would not have prevented me from talking to an old beau.

HOWEVER, in order for her to be able to have your trust (or the trust of any man) she needs a certain degree of transparency. You need to know that she's not hiding things from you. But to encourage her to be able to be honest with you, she needs to know that you're going to not get upset. It's a circle really, with both of you being confident knowing the other will be OK with each other's actions.

I don't know why she didn't tell you. She's either having a torrid affair with him....or she was afraid you'd get too upset because of your trust issues so withheld the information.

Lastly, the fact that she uses a nickname leads me to believe that he's a new internet friend and not an old friend. If he was an old friend, surely he'd use her given name or an old nickname. Misty is so NOT an old nickname!

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