Fiancee is having a baby with an ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Fiancee is having a baby with an ex.
6
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:38am
I recently found out that my fiancee is having a baby with someone he dated, for a very short time, about 6 months ago..she is 6 months pregnant. Apparently she wasn't going to keep it but then decided to and moved to another province and then decided she was going to hide it from him and his family..well 4 days ago she changed her mind and told him. I was and still am in complete shock..i feel awful for him
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 10:33am

I don't blame you for the way you feel. You have every right to be upset, especially at her. Her lack of maturity, or whatever it was that caused her to keep this a secret (although perhaps she was waiting until after the chance for a miscarriage was high), is now hurting you two.

I think that 1% of doubt that he has is the part of him that wants to do the "right" thing. Regardless of his relationship right now, he did help to create that child and to be in the kid's life would absolutely be the right thing to do.

As I'm sure you know, your wedding needs to be put on hold until he can figure out 100% what he wants to do. And even if he does terminate parental rights, there is absolutely nothing keeping him from wanting a relationship with his biological child later on.

This is a very tough decision for you but I don't see you handling it immaturely at all. Is it reasonable for you to demand a man who only has children with you? Absolutely, that's totally within your rights. But that may very well rule this guy out. I'm not sure what I would do in your position, because you've been with him for a while I imagine and have strong feelings for him, but I would probably back out.

Good luck, this is a tough one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 12:10pm

'my fiancee is having a baby with someone he dated, for a very short time, about 6 months ago..'


So you are engaged to someone you have only been seeing a few months? I definitely think you should put this wedding on hold.


'Before this all happened he was very needy'


This also sounds like a reason that you got engaged too fast.


Even if he signs over his rights, that won't make his feelings go away. In one or ten years from now he may want to meet the child and have the child in his life in a significant way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 2:13pm

Do you really want to give him an ultimatim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 3:31pm

I think I don't entirely understand this situation. Either you've been dating your fiancee for less than 6 months, or he cheated on you 6 months ago? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but in either situation, I think it calls for delaying the wedding to work things out.

I know you've told him that if he is going to stick around and be a dad then you are not going to be involved, but as the other posters have mentioned, what are you going to do if he changes his mind in a few years? Or, what are you going to do if 15 or 20 years down the road if a 'kid' shows up on your doorstep wanting to get to know his birth father? I would hope that you would not give your fiancee/husband the same ultimatum at that point.

This is a huge decision for him, and one that is not going to go away simply because he signs a piece of paper terminating his rights.
If you choose not to stay with him, then that's your decision, but if you want to stay with him, then you need to completely support him (forever) in whatever decision he makes about this child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 5:47pm

Welcome to the board ariannabelle,


Sounds like either the two of you haven't been together very long or he cheated on you, could you clear that up?


Consider reading some of the replies this other poster got:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=30244.1


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 3:58pm

Welcome to the board ariannabelle,


I think