Fiancee is receiving late night calls

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Fiancee is receiving late night calls
5
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:23pm
I've known my fiancee as a friend for four years. We've dated off and on the past year. And we've been engaged for three months, with the wedding scheduled for july 2004. We've been stressing over the wedding and expenses and the possibility of postponing the wedding for financial reasons. One financial situation that has arisen is our cell phone bill. I put her on my cell plan and we share minutes. The bill for february was incredibly high. We argued and I told her to be more financailly responsible. She was very upset. The monday after we had the argument. I got march's phone bill, it was even higher than feb. I was soo upset, but, that feeling quickly changed to confusion when I started looking through the calls and noticed she's calling a "friend" (in another state) quite frequently and after 11pm and even a few times after midnight. I began to wonder what was going on. I know the person's name, its a male. I've been thinking and remember that she'd receive late night calls with me there and wouldn't answer the phone. Well, I did mention it a few days after I got the bill sort of joking about "her late night calls". she got defensive and said, "you're looking at who I call?" I said it stands out as I'm looking through the bill the call to the other state stands out. And we dropped it.

She had a call on Tuesday night while we were watching a movie at her place. She told the person she was watching a movie with me she said my name. I didn't ask who it was.

Last night she got a call first on her cell then on her home line. I could hear that it was a guy and the guy asked why she didn't answer her cell. She laughed and said "bcuz I don't want to talk to you" then she said she was with me, mentioning my name again.

I asked who it was. She said who I thought she say, her friend so and so.

I asked, the late night caller? And asked is he the one who called the night before? She said, when? I told her, the night before when we were watching the movie. She said she didn't remember.

I told her I know you said you gave up all your male friends for me except two. This guy and another fellow. I know the other guy and was cool with him. But, I didn't know anything about this guy who just called. And seems to call frequently and late at night. I said he must be a really good friend because she scolds anyone who calls her past 11pm because her daughter sleeps in the same room as her.

So, I began to ask her to tell me about him. Where did they meet? How long have you known him? She got an embarassed look on her face and said why are you asking? I told her I don't know anything about him, tell me. She seemed embarassed and called for her daughter to come in the room, she was calling her daughter saying come and save me. She said I was harassing her but with an embarassed smile on her face.

Her daughter came and then left. Then we heard that shell fell and was crying. Her daughter came in crying and my fiancee held her in her arms and said saved by the cry. Again joking.

After that we went downstairs with her roomate and her roomate's guest. Prior to me coming over she'd had told me that she wasn't talking to her roomate because her roomate hadn't paid a part of the rent. My fiancee said she'd been ignoring her all day and evening.

But, we went downstairs, we stood downstairs. She was talking to her roomate nothing had happened. She went outside to smoke with her. Like nothing had happened between the two.

I was teasing her making comments like, boy those questions seemed to have shaken you up. In my mind I was thinking it shook her up so much that to avoid going back upstairs and talking again she started talking to her roomate that she had ignored all day and evening.

So, we stood down there for a couple of hours till her roomate's guest left.

During the evening she'd come over and sit on my lap and kiss me. And look at me and say whats wrong? I told her with a smile you haven't answered my questions.

As her roomate's guest was leaving she sat on my lap and answered my question about where she met him? in vegas how old was he? close to my age and how long she'd known him? about a year

When we went upstairs to watch tv. I said you seemed embarassed and seemed like you were avoiding the questions. She said it seemed like I was harassing her with all these questions. She wasn't upset when she spoke and said I was jealous.

I said yeah, when someone is calling my fiancee late at night and you're calling him after midnight. I want to know what is going on?

She asked if I trust her and said she has never cheated on me and never will.

I said I don't like the fact that he is calling late at night and you're calling him. I said tell him not to call late anymore. I said you don't think its weird that he's calling you late at night, she said okay. I'll tell him no late calls.

I was thinking this morning that over the weekend she had a late night call and didn't answer it. I'm thinking it was probably him.

This morning it still bothers me. I want to tell her to start making him a "distant friend" as a favor to me. I'd like her to call maybe once every few weeks. But, the more I think about it. I'm not thinking too much of a guy who thinks its okay to call an engaged woman late at night. Now, I'd like her to end that friendship.

I trust her, but wonder about her thinking that it has been okay for this to be going on. I told her last night, if I hadn't said anything it seems like this would keep goin on.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry for a long post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:23pm
Stick to your guns because no one should be calling your fiancee that time of the nioght and if she feels as though she need male companions as friends that u dont know about then you should want to marry her!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:31pm
Well, just from reading your post I myself would feel exactly like you do. Before my hubby and I got marrried I had a long time male friend(actually I met him around the time I met hubby). I think at first my hubby was a litte concerned but they actually became great friends are really better friends now than we are. Little different situation, but I can understand what you may be feeling. I think you are in the right to tell her that it makes you very uncomfortable and that you wish her to distance herself some....maybe baby steps at first. I think it is ok to have a friend of the opposite sex in a relationship however my hubby has always said that pretty much any man that says hes my friend really wants to...you know what. I was niave at first and really thought that this friend didnt feel that way or even if he did that he would never do anything to make me uncomfortable and that he knew that there was never going to be any relationship other friendship between us. I knew that the relationship I had with my male friend was just that a good friendship!! One time a few years back when hubby was out of town and I had just had all my wisdom teeth pulled and my friend was helping me, he did tell me that he was madly in love with me and had been the whole time. (This was before hubby and I were married). I let him know that I loved him as a brother/friend and that was it. We didnt talk for a few weeks, it was a little akward, but we remained friends.On the other hand once my hubby was comfortable with him he actually felt a little relieved that I had a male with me when he wasent...kind of a protection thing.

If you do not talk to her more about how it bothers you, it will never go away, and can cause some major issues between your fiancee and you. Good luck!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:54pm
The bottom line here IMO is that you and she do not have the same boundaries in your relationship (red flag); you and she are not on the same page as far as acceptable/unacceptable relationship behavior (red flag); you and she are not on the same page regarding financial responsibility (red flag).

Mr. Vegas and the late night calls are mere symptoms of those red flags. With or without him and/or his calls, those symptoms would still exist and probably manifest themselves in other ways/problems. I'm one for openness and honesty in a relationship, but then again, I have nothing to hide in my relationship.

Personally I agree with you and think your feelings are valid on all counts. But...she has the right to behave and feel as she wants. She isn't wrong or bad. Neither are you. You and she are just on different pages about some very crucial things in your relationship (things that IMO you need to feel the same about if you want a happy successful relationship). Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:19pm
I totally agree with zurah.

Incompatibility issues and red flags abound.

Since you are engaged, I suggest you ask her to go to pre-martial counseling with you and deal with the issues there.

She met him in Vegas a year ago, while you were together with her. She liked him enough, or couldn't say no to giving her phone number to the guy? Sorry, but this doesn't wash. I keep hearing 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' and since you two have been dating on and off for the last year, I'd wonder what would drive this guy to continue with contact? 1) they had some connection in Vegas and either of them are willing to let it go, 2) he just found out she's engaged and is trying to MAKE SURE she knows how he feels about her

I know I think the worst in most cases, but put it this way, he's calling at the times she is most likely to be alone, she hasn't talked to you about him, you had to ask her, so she's hiding something AND he is calling nearly every night?

You've got problems here. I strongly suggest you try per-marial counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:46pm
Oh, this reminded me of one other point I forgot to mention. You (the original poster) said you dated on and off for the past year and now you're engaged. When I read that it didn't sound good to me. IMO you should wait until you've been dating continuously for at least a year before getting engaged. If you couldn't remain together for even a year, I don't fancy your chances at a lifelong commitment to one another. Counselling is a good idea, but it probably won't change your incompatibility, but it might help you better understand yourselves and the choices you're making.