Fighting for Competition...help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Fighting for Competition...help!
24
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 11:42am

I feel like I am always fighting with my boyfriend's friend for competition. Nobody likes this friend of his, he doesn't have a job, a car, and has a kid and constantly is bugging us and wants to always stay the night. We constantly have to give him rides everywhere because he has no way of getting around and lives in the country so if he comes to town from a ride from his mom it's hard for him to get back home unless we take him so my boyfriend lets him stay the night at our apartment all of the time and I don't like it at all. This friend of his is the only reason my boyfriend and I fight and I don't know what to do about it but I'm tired of his friend always staying the night and causing problems. What can I do about this? Help!

Also, his friend is very messy and stays at the apartment alone even when we're not here because we're working and I don't think he needs to be here when we're not I don't trust people alone in our apartment we have too many valuables.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 3:34pm

>>My bf really won't have a say once I'm moved in because I will be paying for the apartment too and if I'm the one uncomfortable with his friend here then he is not allowed here. <<

Stephanien, if you and your boyfriend's name are both on the lease, he should have equal say to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 4:38pm
We have equal say but then who gets to decide what? If I'm the one that's uncomfortable with it then why should I have to suffer with it? I can compromise and say he can stay once in awhile but when he stays for a whole weekend at a time and this happens quite often then it gets a little frustrating, also because I'm not comfortable with someone in our home when we are not here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 4:43pm

Mmmm, your other post said that you parents and friends do not like your boyfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 4:54pm
They don't necesarrly dislike him they just think I can do better or something since he doesn't have a degree. Well my standard isn't that my guy has to have a degree as long as he has a job, can pay his bills, and lives on his own like he does and treats me good. To be honest I can't imagine myself with any other guy and I feel more strongly about him than I did my ex. I believe school is not for everyone and that he is a smart guy and doesn't need a degree to prove it. I would never try to act smarter than my lover or put them down for not being as smart. My ex didn't have a degree either but he was A LOT less go-getting than my current bf as he would sit around and do nothing all the time. My current bf at least has the go-getting kind of attitude in that he has hobbies and is active he likes to be outside and try new things he is always on the go and busy and I feel like because of his interests he strengthens me and introduces me to new things I would have never done myself but enjoy doing because it's with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 5:42pm

>>We have equal say but then who gets to decide what? <<

The underlying principal behind living together in a harmonious manner involves both parties having similar beliefs and ideals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Sat, 12-24-2011 - 11:36am
Well I'm not really trying to change the way he lives just how often he lets his friend stay. Noone likes this friend of his and even his own family and friends don't understand why he's friends with this guy and lets him stay over, he's a big slob it's not really anything against my bf it's more towards his friend and if he wants me to move in then he needs to respect that I don't want this guy staying over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 12-24-2011 - 12:09pm
I still say BEFORE you move in with him that you need to lay out the ground rules about his friend spending the weekend there and being there when your not home. This is going to create HUGE problems if you don't. He will think that you are trying to CONTROL him and start to get very resentful towards you after a while. That's when the relationship will start falling apart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Sat, 12-24-2011 - 12:12pm
Well he already knows how I feel and I told him I don't want him staying here so I asked if he still wanted me to move in and he said yes, so I think he has chosen me over his friend and will respect what I want and at least ask me before letting him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 12-24-2011 - 3:15pm

I disagree with you. i think she gets veto power in her own home when her living space is being infringed upon. If they had agreed beforehand that this friend would be staying with them and having free rein of the house even while they are not at home, that would be one thing, but this is really over the top. I do agree though that if she hates her boyfriend's living arrangements or lifestyle, she needs to find her own place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Sat, 12-24-2011 - 9:25pm
I don't hate his living arrangements or anything like that it's just his friend that I don't like infringing on our home and privacy all the time!