Fighting, no sex and feeling trapped
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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:19pm |
Hi all, I'm new here and I joined because I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We're both young; he's 18 and I'm 19. I've only dated one other person but I was younger, stupid, and learned nothing from it. So, really all I know is my current boyfriend. I guess you could say we're informally engaged and we want to get married sometime in the next few years.
I'm getting a bit of cold feet, though. He and I fight very frequently about everything. Usually the fights are over trivial things such as I used an angry tone at him when I said something. I'm getting really tired of it and as much as I've changed to try to fix it, it seems like he's doing nothing at all.
On top of that, there's the fact that I may as well not have a sex life, because we only have sex maybe once in 3 or 4 months. We started early (2 years ago), but it seems odd to me that he doesn't want it. He claims it's because he's stressed, but I know as much as he sits on his backside doing nothing, he can't ALWAYS be that stressed out. He'll promise me sex only to have me give him oral sex until he has an orgasm then we're done. If I refuse to do that, he gets upset.
He was supposed to move in with me but he's cancelling any plans we made. I know that's probably a part of committment issues, but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It feels like we're nothing more than friends now. Each day I feel more like I'm missing out on something, but I'm afraid to leave my security blanket. God knows I don't want to hurt him, either. But as much as we "talk" (which is me talking to a wall, basically) nothing gets done and I'm at my wit's end with this.
If anyone has any advice for this situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

This is not a male female love relationship, it's some kind of security arrangement, which doesn't sound very secure at all. If there's no sex here, or if only wants to serviced in that way, without giving back, there are real problems going on. Don't brush it under the rug. This guy doesn't sound ready to be in a mutual, give and take loving relationship at this time.
The question really is, what are you doing here? Why are you willing to accept a relationship where you receive so little? It's important for you to answer these questions, to learn how to build your own self esteem so you can become able to find a partner who is willing and able to be in a mature, giving, loving relationship where both of your needs can be met.
Best wishes,
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The reason he's not moving in with you is NOT related to commitment issues.
Instead, he's not moving in because you're fighting all the time and because he no longer wants sex with you. He also recognises the relationship is in trouble and (wisely) is avoiding moving in together. You're probably quite right in thinking that he probably doesn't want to be with you anymore. Why hasn't he already broken up with you? As Dr Shoshanna said, it's probably a comfort/security thing.
I think it's about time you moved on and found a relationship which meets your needs.