Fighting an uphill battle???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fighting an uphill battle???
15
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:35pm
Hello Everyone,

(so sorry this is sooo long but i wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone.don't know if I've succeeded or not:))

I'm not really sure that anyone can help me here but it's definately worth the try. I've been lurking around this board for a long time now and I've seen some good advice be given even for somewhat similar situations so I hope that you guys will be able to help me out as well.Here goes:

My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In the very begining(first couple of months)things were amazing.We were in constant communication and he wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He told me that he was looking for a long term relationship and often made comments re: a possible future together etc.I felt comfortable and like it was really ok for me to love him. I felt like I didn't need to be afraid at all. A little later on(3 months into the relationship)I noticed some changes.He started to put limitations on the time that we spent together and started to put some distance between us. I asked him about it at that time and he always said that he was spending so much time with me all the time that he was neglecting his responsibilities as far as his house and work that needed to be done there and his job. He works in the IT field and always has to study to be current on new technology etc. So he said the we should just limit it to weekends or whatever decided. I wasn't really happy with that because I had fallen in love with him and wanted to spend as much time as possible. Still I understood what he was going through so I agreed. I did also ask him if there was someone else in the picture or someone he was interested in or anything like that and he swore that there wasn't.

In weeks to come I found that wasn't the truth. I found out that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend again. He swore to me that they had some things to work out but that he didn't want a relationship with her. At the same time he also said that he cared about me a lot but that he didn't feel what he felt he should feel for someone in order to make plans for the future i.e marriage etc. He said that he felt more strongly about me than probably anyone before but that he just couldn't say that we had any type of future together. I was hurt by this but the way I saw it was that as long as he didn't want to be with exgf then anything between he and I was possible and we could work it out. He said that he had made a mistake in hurting me with his exgf and that he was sorry. About a month later he and I ended our relationship because I felt so betrayed still and knew that he was stil communicating with her. Also because he often didn't seem like himself around me and said that it was because he still felt guilty about dating me "just to date me" without having plans to marry me. So we ended the relationship which only lasted a week because during the entire week he was calling me and wanting to see me. We got back together but in the months to come he was constantly back and forth between exgf and me. He always told me that it was easier to hang out with her because they both knew that they didn't have a future together so they could just have a good time and he didn't have to worry about hurting her but with me it was different because he felt like i wanted more from him and he knew that I deserved more and always felt bad that he couldn't give it to me. I was really miserable through all of this because he was lieing to me about everything. He lied about how he spent his time and where he was going and whether or not he was talking to her. He would tell me that he wasn't talking to her anymore etc. then I would see emails from her or see her number in his phone where she had called him and he had called her back. He didn't admit this until I actually told him that I saw it for myself.

Around April of last year we decided that we wouldn't be together anymore at all. He had helped me move into a diff. apartment than the one I was living in at the time and I didn't want to take some of my furniture etc. so he insisted that I store at his house(even though we weren't going to be together). It was his way of having some sort of tie to me even though he didn't want a serious relationship with me.I realize it now because whenever we broke up in the past he would always hide my clothing etc. so that I couldn't take everything when I left and he would have some reason to call me. During this time though, we were going through a period of Still dating because he knew that I loved him but we weren't really together. I guess you could say we were friends but I wasn't seeing anyone else and I had an idea that he was seeing exgf as well as another girl. Even though we weren't technically in a relationship we still spent the same amount of time together as we always had and minimized tome his interactions and dealings with these other girls.(Taking it back a little,Last year(2003))the week before valentines day his furnace in his home caught fire(or something to that effect) anyway, his house was very smokey and the fire dept. came etc. He had no heat because he had to wait for everything to be fixed in his home so he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days. He stayed at my apartment that entire week and it was as if we were back together again. The next week everything was fixed and I stayed at his place Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't hear from him and Friday was valentinesday. He called me at around 4pm from home(should have been at work) and said he wanted to wish me a happy valentines day. I told him thank you and wished him the same and I asked him what he was planning to do and he said that HE was going to hang out in NYC(exgf lives there). So i knew he was going to spend vday with her and I was hurt.I tried to just forget about him and enjoy the weekend. That day, I hung out with girlfriends and the next day(saturday) I went to my mom's house and stayed the rest of the weekend because I didn't want to be in my apartment alone. On Sunday evening he called at around 8 and I didn't answer. He called again at 10 still I didn't answer. Sunday evening throughout Monday there was a heavy snowstorm so no one worked on Monday. He called at 9 am Monday morning and still I didn't answer he called repeatedly until about 12:30 in the afternoon about 10 times back to back. He kept leaving messages saying that he just wanted to talk and each message got worse than the last. The last couple of messages he left basically said that I was being selfish because how dare I spend the entire week with him and now not answer my phone.

I couldn't believe that he was making this out to be a bad thing that I was doing. I wasn't going to call him back but in a way I must admit that I was touched that he was paying so much attention and seemingly jealous. I called him back at around 4 and he acted as if nothing happened. I told him that I was hurt that he spent his weekend with whomever he chose and then called me and left nasty messages because I didn't answer my phone. He basically ignored what I said. He came over to help me dig my car out of the snow and then took me back to his house. We stayed there for 2 days.In that time he told me that he spent vday with exgf and went on a double date with her and another couple. He also spent Saturday with another girl(whom he still maintains was a friend). He brought exbf

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:19pm
You want more from this guy than he is willing to give. He wants to be free to date/see as many people as he wants. You want an exclusive relationship. The longer you maintain a relationship in hopes that he will suddenly want what you want, the more you are going to be hurt.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:28pm
Wow, this guy has it made. He has at least two women who he gets to see on his terms. When is he tired of one or feels overwhelmed with the needs of one, he calls the other. When one does not want to see him on *his* terms, when it is convenioent for him he gets angry and calls names. Plus he lies in order to get what he wants when he wants it yet he can use the 'I told you I didn;t want a commitment' card when it works for him. Nice deal.

You, on the other hand have to live on someone else's terms because he once told you that he saw a future with you. You are hoping that he will change his mind again and want you for a steady girlfriend. He knows this and plays into it in order to again get what he wants, when he wants it.

'he knew that I deserved more and always felt bad that he couldn't give it to me.'

Another strategy, getting you to almost feel sorry for him for the position he is in. And it works. He can go back and forth, knowing that you will always take him back. Sweet. And it makes you wonder what he says to her about you.

'whenever we broke up in the past he would always hide my clothing etc. so that I couldn't take everything when I left and he would have some reason to call'

Yet another game.

How long are you going to put up with this, playing one of his girls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:31pm
Thank you for your reply! I really needed to hear what you had to say. I hope that you were able to read my entire post because this one was cut off when I tried to edit it so you'll find it in it's entirety under post"sorry,I did it again...correction..."

Please let me know when you have read it all so that I may respond or better yet please just reply to that post. That goes for everyone who wishes to reply..Thank you again so much.

Nae

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:47pm
Girl,

This guy sounds like a really jerk if you ask me and you need to put in end to this whole thing. He's going to keep on coming back to you and using you when it's convient for him. He getting what he wants out of this whole thing, and doesn't care in least bit whom he hurts by it. Whenever his other girlfriends aren't working out, he comes to you and you let him. He's using you and you shouldn't let him treat you that way. You are worth more than that. Don't let yourself be disrespected by him. There are plenty of other single guys are there that will treat you right and are looking to be with one person forever. Spend your time finding one of these kinda of guys, not being mistreated by a guy who thinks he can have as many girls as he wants to when he wants to. The longer you allow him to play these games with you, the more your going to get hurt and the more he's going to think that he's some kind of God that women should worship. I've been through some bad relationships in the past myself and sometimes it seems like you'll never met the right guy but be patient. Don't settle for scum because it's all that's available right now. He may seem to you now like he's your whole life but trust me he isn't. Do yourself a favor and get rid of him. If you can take a long vacation somewhere far way from him. If you can't do that then just break all ties with him. Don't talk to him see him e-mail him nothing. Spend as much time as you can with your girlfriends. You'll be amazed about how relieved and happy you'll feel in just a few weeks without seeing this guy. Your self esteem will go back up and you'll relaize how much better you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:07pm
o.k. I read the rest....

'During this time I was feeling really good about myself again and almost completely back to normal.'

I think you need to remind yourself of this often. It may be the only time that your self-esteem was up and you felt good about yourself because noone was controlling or abusing you.

'he has often insinuated that I may or may not have been faithful to him during our relationship before. '

Have you heard of the term 'projection'? It is a way of blaming others for your own bad behavior. He is assuming that you are doing the same thing that he is guilty of. If he concentrates on the possibility of you cheating then it justifies the time he is spending with, talking to or planning to see (match.com) others.

'he gets enraged and starts yelling furiously and screaming when the conversation doesn't goo his way ...he also says mean things to me and attacks my character completely.He says things that are totally false about me but thinks that he can just because he's angry.'

This is the abuse part that I mentioned earlier. Verbal and emotional abuse that you are putting up with again and again. Giving him the o.k. to continue because you are trying to prove to him that you are worthy. So you don't leave and he continues because he can. Justs like the cheating.

'Maybe I was afraid to rock the boat since things were going good.'

How are things 'good'??

'Now when I use his laptop the history is always erased.'

Of course because he doesn't want you to catch him cheating. But you already know.

' just doesn't want to be lonely....afraid that we'll break up and he'll be with someone else and everything will be perfect between them and he'll love and marry her '

Huh? If he marries someone else, he will treat her like dirt. He will find someone who will put up with his cheating and abuse. Do you want to be that girl?

'So I also feel like I need him to acknowledge that Iam worthy of his love and that it has been him with the problems.'

Do you want to prove this to him? You never will. He will not accept that he has issues and that you deserve someone better. He gets angry and wants you to look bad. He will probably blame you for his cheating. Being worthy of his love is not a compliment. He is a jerk.

'All my friends pretty much dislike him because of what i've been through and they really don't want to hear anymore about him until I leave him for good. '

Good for them.

'I see myself through his eyes based on his actions and I feel like nothing about me is good enough no matter how good iam.'

These feelings will remain as long as you are with him, won't they?

'Why is it that when things are really good he has to start looking on match.com?'

Because things never where and will not be good. He and you are not capable of being in a healthy relationship.

And you will not be capable to handle a healthy relationship with anyone until you take responsibility here and realize the situation that you have put yourself in. You can not control what he thinks, feels or does. And you can not totally blame him. You are putting up with this abuse. Why? Why do you think you deserve it? Where did you learn it was o.k. to be with a man who cheats and insults you?

Gina



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:14am
Did you read these replies???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:41am
Yes I think you are. IMO you should let go and move on. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:11pm
Thank you Gina and everyone who posted a reply to my post. It's kinda confusing because I made a mistake when editing the initial post so there are 3 versions of the same post but thank you Gina and I'm glad that you were able to read it in it's entirety.

I really thought about the way you broke down the different situations and the info. that I gave. I've thought about the things that you said before to some degree but never quite to the extent that you made clear to me. I just really don't understand how someone can be so caring one minute and show me love in many ways but in really important way he hurts me so much. I don't know why someone would hurt someone so much who loves them the way that I love him. I would never treat another human being this way. I would never manipulate,take for granted, or hurt someone who I knew had strong feelings for me and he knows this. I truely feel like there is something really wrong with me. How can I convey to him my feelings and how do I make him see that how he has treated me and what he has done/is doing is wrong. He justifies everything and has a reason for everything. He's very good at twisting things around and making them seem like I have a problem or he just dismisses it like it's no big deal but if I say the slightest thing that he feels is wrong He completely goes off on me. How does someone do that when they know that they are wrong? Or is it that he really feels he's right? I just don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:43pm
Most anyone will say or do anything to justify their choices, actions and behaviors. So yes, he probably either can't stop himself, doesn't have enough insight into himself or his behavior, or he feels he's right. You won't be able to figure it out, sorry.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:37pm
'I don't know why someone would hurt someone so much who loves them the way that I love him.'

Well 1)he probably learned it somewhere such as watching his parents relationship. What do you know about them? 2)He also does it because he likes to. He likes your reaction, he gets something from it. What do you think he gets? 3)Most importantly, he does it because you let him.

'I would never treat another human being this way. I would never manipulate,take for granted, or hurt someone who I knew had strong feelings for me and he knows this.'

So he knows it, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about how you treat people, only about how he treats you. And he doesn't care that it hurts you.


'How can I convey to him my feelings and how do I make him see that how he has treated me and what he has done/is doing is wrong.'

He does not think it is wrong or he wouldn't keep doing it! You need to 'get' that.

'I truely feel like there is something really wrong with me.'

Then I think you should look into counseling. You have to learn that you do not deserve this treatment. You have to learn to recognize the warning signs in a man and get out before you get in deep again. You have to figure out where you learned that it was o.k. to put up with hit and why you think it is your responsiblity to change someone who abuses.

It is o.k. to walk away without successfully convincing someone that what they are doing is wrong. You don't have to prove anything to him. Leaving will speak volumnes.


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