Fighting an uphill battle???
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| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:35pm |
(so sorry this is sooo long but i wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone.don't know if I've succeeded or not:))
I'm not really sure that anyone can help me here but it's definately worth the try. I've been lurking around this board for a long time now and I've seen some good advice be given even for somewhat similar situations so I hope that you guys will be able to help me out as well.Here goes:
My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In the very begining(first couple of months)things were amazing.We were in constant communication and he wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He told me that he was looking for a long term relationship and often made comments re: a possible future together etc.I felt comfortable and like it was really ok for me to love him. I felt like I didn't need to be afraid at all. A little later on(3 months into the relationship)I noticed some changes.He started to put limitations on the time that we spent together and started to put some distance between us. I asked him about it at that time and he always said that he was spending so much time with me all the time that he was neglecting his responsibilities as far as his house and work that needed to be done there and his job. He works in the IT field and always has to study to be current on new technology etc. So he said the we should just limit it to weekends or whatever decided. I wasn't really happy with that because I had fallen in love with him and wanted to spend as much time as possible. Still I understood what he was going through so I agreed. I did also ask him if there was someone else in the picture or someone he was interested in or anything like that and he swore that there wasn't.
In weeks to come I found that wasn't the truth. I found out that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend again. He swore to me that they had some things to work out but that he didn't want a relationship with her. At the same time he also said that he cared about me a lot but that he didn't feel what he felt he should feel for someone in order to make plans for the future i.e marriage etc. He said that he felt more strongly about me than probably anyone before but that he just couldn't say that we had any type of future together. I was hurt by this but the way I saw it was that as long as he didn't want to be with exgf then anything between he and I was possible and we could work it out. He said that he had made a mistake in hurting me with his exgf and that he was sorry. About a month later he and I ended our relationship because I felt so betrayed still and knew that he was stil communicating with her. Also because he often didn't seem like himself around me and said that it was because he still felt guilty about dating me "just to date me" without having plans to marry me. So we ended the relationship which only lasted a week because during the entire week he was calling me and wanting to see me. We got back together but in the months to come he was constantly back and forth between exgf and me. He always told me that it was easier to hang out with her because they both knew that they didn't have a future together so they could just have a good time and he didn't have to worry about hurting her but with me it was different because he felt like i wanted more from him and he knew that I deserved more and always felt bad that he couldn't give it to me. I was really miserable through all of this because he was lieing to me about everything. He lied about how he spent his time and where he was going and whether or not he was talking to her. He would tell me that he wasn't talking to her anymore etc. then I would see emails from her or see her number in his phone where she had called him and he had called her back. He didn't admit this until I actually told him that I saw it for myself.
Around April of last year we decided that we wouldn't be together anymore at all. He had helped me move into a diff. apartment than the one I was living in at the time and I didn't want to take some of my furniture etc. so he insisted that I store at his house(even though we weren't going to be together). It was his way of having some sort of tie to me even though he didn't want a serious relationship with me.I realize it now because whenever we broke up in the past he would always hide my clothing etc. so that I couldn't take everything when I left and he would have some reason to call me. During this time though, we were going through a period of Still dating because he knew that I loved him but we weren't really together. I guess you could say we were friends but I wasn't seeing anyone else and I had an idea that he was seeing exgf as well as another girl. Even though we weren't technically in a relationship we still spent the same amount of time together as we always had and minimized tome his interactions and dealings with these other girls.(Taking it back a little,Last year(2003))the week before valentines day his furnace in his home caught fire(or something to that effect) anyway, his house was very smokey and the fire dept. came etc. He had no heat because he had to wait for everything to be fixed in his home so he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days. He stayed at my apartment that entire week and it was as if we were back together again. The next week everything was fixed and I stayed at his place Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't hear from him and Friday was valentinesday. He called me at around 4pm from home(should have been at work) and said he wanted to wish me a happy valentines day. I told him thank you and wished him the same and I asked him what he was planning to do and he said that HE was going to hang out in NYC(exgf lives there). So i knew he was going to spend vday with her and I was hurt.I tried to just forget about him and enjoy the weekend. That day, I hung out with girlfriends and the next day(saturday) I went to my mom's house and stayed the rest of the weekend because I didn't want to be in my apartment alone. On Sunday evening he called at around 8 and I didn't answer. He called again at 10 still I didn't answer. Sunday evening throughout Monday there was a heavy snowstorm so no one worked on Monday. He called at 9 am Monday morning and still I didn't answer he called repeatedly until about 12:30 in the afternoon about 10 times back to back. He kept leaving messages saying that he just wanted to talk and each message got worse than the last. The last couple of messages he left basically said that I was being selfish because how dare I spend the entire week with him and now not answer my phone.
I couldn't believe that he was making this out to be a bad thing that I was doing. I wasn't going to call him back but in a way I must admit that I was touched that he was paying so much attention and seemingly jealous. I called him back at around 4 and he acted as if nothing happened. I told him that I was hurt that he spent his weekend with whomever he chose and then called me and left nasty messages because I didn't answer my phone. He basically ignored what I said. He came over to help me dig my car out of the snow and then took me back to his house. We stayed there for 2 days.In that time he told me that he spent vday with exgf and went on a double date with her and another couple. He also spent Saturday with another girl(whom he still maintains was a friend). He brought exbf

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Gina, I don't know TOO much about his parent's relationship. I do know that both his parents have bad tempers and they don't really talk about things going on between them in depth. They kinda just punish eachother when they're angry with eachother. The father punishes the mom by shutting down and not talking and sort of staying to himself. Then the mother punishes the father by not doing this he likes or things he asks her to do and constantly giving attitude and yelling about other things instead of talking about whatever the main problem is. My bf has a strange relationship with his mom(IMO)because she supports his bs. Once I was at his house and previously I had left a lip gloss there that someone had given me and I hated it so I was going to throw it away but I didn't realize I left it and I didn't care because it wasn't my color and because I leave so much cosmetics and crap at his house anyway. So he found it under the couch and he said here you go. I said that's not my lip gloss and he kept saying yes it is and I said no it's not but I wasn't argueing with him about it. It was him that kept insisting that it belonged to me. I pretty much said nothing because I didn't know if it belonged to me or not. Well, before I knew it he was on the phone calling his mom. I was sitting next to him on the couch and his mom talks loud so i could hear the conversation but he didn't know i heard her. He was asking her if his neice left a lip gloss the last time she was over his house and ironically the first thing his mom said was why are you getting in trouble about it with Nae and he said yes. So she said yes chrissy left it there the last time we were there and then asked him if he wanted her to tell me that. He said no she's ok I already told her(which he did). After that the were just talking casually and he said ok I'm going to go now because Nae is here plus I'm tired and his mom replied"Tired of what, playing 2 women?" She wasn't upset or scolding about it. It was almost like a joke to her. He also calls her for everything and to her he can do no wrong. If he calls her to say that something happened at work or if he's upset for some reason she always asks "Who's bothering my baby?" Or she'll ask what "They" are doing to him.As if he's always the victim. And realistically that's the way he acts and speaks. If he does something or says something hurtful and I get upset and don't want to talk to him he starts saying"Why are you so mean to me" and "What's your problem, I'm being nice and you're causing problems".
I agree that he likes to see my reaction and that he gets something from it. I feel like he has what I always call the "I wanna be a cop when I grow up syndrome". See, he was never really popular growing up and not a lot of girls liked him and he was always overlooked to go to parties and hang out & stuff. He was also picked on a lot and when he did get girlfriends they would eventually hurt him by dating a more"popular" guy or someone better looking or with more money or whatever the case. When he got older he became very successful and even very handsome but he has been hurt in relationships. He has often told me that he never really had anyone feel as strongly about him as I do just based on who he is and not what he has to offer financially etc. He always says he still can't believe how good iam to him and he really doesn't know why iam. I almost think he gets a thrill at times being the pain giver as opposed to the recipient of it. I really don't know if that makes sense but I just get that impression from time to time. I think he gets empowered by seeing me get upset because here's a(not at all to toot my own horn) smart,pretty,intelligent girl who could be with whomever she chooses but I have her going out of her mind.Again these are just my Opinions. I'm by far not a doctor or anything so I really don't know for sure. I've always heard that people take advantage of you,hurt you,use you etc continuously only if you allow them to. I just have trouble dealing with that. Somehow I feel like he'll suddenly see that it's soooo wrong and be ever so sorry and apologetic and change the bad ways even though I know way deep down that it's not going to happen.
Nae
'his mom replied"Tired of what, playing 2 women?"
So do you think he is cheating on you?
'He always says he still can't believe how good iam to him and he really doesn't know why iam. '
That is part of the control. He says the right thing at the right time so that you will hang around.
'Somehow I feel like he'll suddenly see that it's soooo wrong and be ever so sorry and apologetic and change the bad ways'
That is a fantasy. It is what keeps you going. It is how you rationalize staying with him.
Now what about you? I am still wondering where you learned that it was o.k. to put up with this abuse? Why were you attacted to this guy? Why do you think it is your responsiblity to prove that you are worthy of nice treatment? Why do you think that you can get him to realize that what he is doing is wrong?
Well, the situation with his mom and what she said abou the playing two women happened around this time last year whe I knew he was cheating on me. As far as now goes, I really don't know. I know he's not physically seeing someone else right now but I can't say that he's not talking to anyone on the phone or trying to meet people online.
As far as me learning it's ok and all of that stuff. That's such a long story but I'm sure it has something to do with my Dad not being around. He was there off and on until I was around 7 but after that my mom told me that he had gotten married and had 3 children with another woman and shortly after that his visits became few and far between. The few I remember were brief and I remember trying to do my best and make him see that I was cute and nice and sweet so that he would come back more often. Eventually I started to see that it didn't matter and I felt that he had his new family and didn't really see me as being as important in his life as them so I stopped trying so hard at 7 years old. I stopped agreeing to his visits and if I was made to go by my mom or grandmother I just didn't really talk to him. So he would just take me to toy stores and buy me just about everything in the store and then take me home(that was our last visit).That day he just blatantly asked me if I wanted to live with him or my mom who I had lived with and was really all i ever knew. Ofcourse I chose my mom and he said ok and left and i never saw or heard from him again. I realize in relationships I end up with bvery very smart successful men who are so impressed with me and promise me the world in the beginning but all of a sudden they just either diddappear without a trace for no reason or they just start to with draw or end up hurting me by cheating on me or tell me that they feel i'm more into them than they are to me. Even though it's them that come on so strong and want me to meet parents and tell me i'm THE ONE. I don't understand this Gina, do you?
Nae
That makes sense doesn't it? You are still doing that. And you choose men that put you in that position.
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