FIL problems like father like son + more

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
FIL problems like father like son + more
5
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 6:35pm

I also have in law issues and am not finding a similar problem (you guys seem to have it much worse, Im sorry to say , and surprised not so many posts about FILs) My problem is this. I do not like or respect my inlaws. I believe they feel the same about me. (My husband denies this) I have no respect for them for a number of reasons which are too numerous for this board but the main problem is my father in law is an alcoholic, who has not held a job for any length of time and basically would rather golf than pay a bill. My mother in law is a doormat. I do not like spending time with them and luckily I usually only have to about once a month. My husband on the other hand is constantly on the phone with mostly his worthless father , whom I feel is a very bad influence.

His father has cheated on his mother numerous times and I feel that many of his bad habits have rubbed off on his son (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) My husband spends time with his father at least once a week and tends to come back drunk or overly tired or both after a LONG day of golf. He is much more chauvinistic (sorry for the spelling) after golf with dad, probably b/c of the influence and b/c of the alcohol (husband drinks, too). Rather than a cheating problem (that I know of , but I do wonder as I have a hard time trusting my husband.) , my husband likes to gamble (his father is not an excessive gambler) and I cannot trust him with my ATM as he will take extra money causing me to run the risk of bouncing checks if I cannot find replacement money fast. (This is where some of the trust issue comes in , I think.) We have no children (my choice). Any advice?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:41am

Your husband's relationship with his family is his business. He has every right to stay in close touch with them and see them once a week if he wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:22pm

Welcome to the board molly142,


I would suggest asking your husband to go to marriage counseling with you. Even if your father in law were out of the picture, you and your husband would still have problems. I would also suggest getting a new bank account and new bank card that he doesn't have access to that way he can't get money out without your permission/knowledge.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:42pm
Dr. Shoshanna, I appreciate the time you took to respond to me , I know my question was difficult and so not many would even take the time to give me feedback. I must say I am quite surprised by your response. You said "Your lack of trust or almost lack of respect for your husband is something else." Can you please clarify my almost lack of respect for my husband? I honestly cannot understand where that idea comes from. Like you said, maybe we both need counselling and since we have not been (nor I alone) I am not seeing what you're seeing. My husband , I feel , disrespects me. If I entrust him with my ATM (we have seperate accounts as well as a joint one.) and he takes money above what I have asked him to take, knowing I pay many bills with that account, and gambles with it anyways, isn't that a lack of respect for me? I know the issue we focused on in my FIL so Im guessing since I admit I do not respect the man, and I think my husband is turing out much like him I therefor disrespect my husband. Maybe I do, but if so, isn't it somewhat of a two way street? I understand this is why you feel we need counselling, but aren't I , in general, just responding in a normal way to an abnormal situation (married to a drinker/gambler?) If you have time and wish to respond, I am open to hearing what you have to say , though I cannot say I understand it. I feel I am an innocent person who got married (obviously not looking beyond my love for my husband or I would have noticed these issues.) , and is a good wife, I work, am responsible with money , haven't totally "let myself go" , I do the majority of the housework and looking after our pets as we have several etc. I can't understand how Im "the bad guy " here. Any responses would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:59pm

Molly,


I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Shoshanna usually doesn't respond twice to someone posts. So don't be upset if you don't hear anything back from her.


My guess on what she was saying is that your distrust in your husband is different than the feelings and issues you have from your father in law and while you can stay away from your father in law, you can't run from the issue with your husband and that professional help would be good.


I agree with you. You have every reason not to trust your husband. He has proven that to you.


Would he consider looking to AA or gamblers anonymous. Does he think/realize he has problems in these areas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:36pm
Thank-you Coltara for you response. That's ok if Dr. Shoshanna doesn't write again. My husband will only say he'll go to gamblers anonymous (never alcoholics) when he's really screwed up and thinks this is what I want to hear. I honestly don't know what I want to hear b/c I don't believe what he says anyways. I do think he realizes he has somewhat of a gambling problem (lost $100 when I was working today, from his account, but still, it's a lot of money. And , you know, tomorrow is my birthday , he should have been buying me presents, not to be greedy and not looking for birthday wishes , but don't you think the $100 would have been better spent like that? I promise, Im totally not greedy or a gold digger.) He won't really go to GA, though. He doesn't ever say he has a drinking prob but I believe he does. Im at a loss , but that's nothing new :) . thank-you again for your post , I appreciate it . Sounds funny but Im a happy person (most of the time) anyway :) .