I just wanted to check in with you to see how things are going?
You are absolutely right that just because you had kids young does not make you a bad person and I look at children as gifts from god to be cherished and nurtured. But when you make the choice to bring kids into the world there comes a world of responsibility and the major one is making sure they have a healthy environment in which to grow, to protect them, support them
I know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who devalues you and takes their problems out on you and make you feel like you had a bomb dropped on you and sucks the life out of you
To be most effective for your kids, you need to feel secure in your environment. The idea that in a rage or any other circumstance, that you never know from one minute to the next if you are going to be out on your butt with your kids is incredibly stressful. It sounds like you have been living in that kind of environment for a very long time now.
You CAN do this on your own. Whatever happens with you and your bf, you need to get counseling and take other proactive steps to get the confidence that you can take care of you and your children on your own. Someone mentioned getting your GED. It's a good start. It may seem so far away for you right now but one day at a time, one little step at a time, regardless of what is going on in your relationship with bf and your mom, take the actions that move you toward being able to take care of you and your kids. It will happen if you will do the little bit of work everyday to get there. That confidence will help you to have healthy relationships and boundaries and more than likely put an end to your ongoing depression.
It has been recommended to check into a local church for counseling. They may able to recommend resources for dealing with your depression issues that won't cost you any money. Counseling will go a long way in helping you with a new perspective on you and your life as well as the support to help you with taking the steps for independence and confidence.
Take your focus of your bf. You can't help him if he doesn't want the help. Put the focus on YOU. The most generous and giving thing you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself.
As everyone else says, you need to stop worrying about him and his problems.
Practical , logical and sensible advice : Move out asap.
Instead of focussing on his issues , trying to help him and make him happy , its better to put back all energy where it needs to be, that is
Thank you for the helpful insight and information. I am going to spend today deciding what the next step will be for my kids and myself. It's pretty scary when I don't know what will happen after this - I am worried how this may affect my children as they get older. I just want to do what is right for everyone :[
I wanted to also give you the link to the Recognizing & Dealing With Domestic Abuse board.
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.