finally have mr right and im scared!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
finally have mr right and im scared!!
6
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 8:38pm

I'm 26 years old and have had a lot of bad luck with relationships.... I guess I was attracted to the wrong guys but I have been cheated on in a couple relationships and my most current one ended when he physically and sexually hurt me (this only happened once and i ended it immediately).

After that last incident, I decided to take a break and be alone so I could work on myself and my confidence and self-esteem so I could eventually have a healthy relationship..... After a full year of being single, I realized what a strong independent woman I could be and felt ready to date.
Several months ago, I met the nicest guy who is currently my boyfriend. We progressed slowly and the relationship is still very new. But he is so sweet and supportive. He respects me in every way, has made friends with my friends, has introduced me to all his friends. He includes me in his life, takes interest in mine..... He's a little older than me, 32, and is very mature and confident about what we have.
The problem is.... I get scared. Things will be going great and then its like I panic that he will hurt me too. I know he is soooo different from the other guys and he is so patient with me when I get nervous but I'm starting to push him away.... I get insecure about our relationship and I just shut him out. He tries to be there for me and says he won't let me push him away, that we can work through this..... but sometimes I find myself saying that I don't deserve him, that I'm too scared to be with him....things that I shouldn't say and I know will eventually push him away, especially since this is so new.
So far he is great, but I'm taking my past out on him.
Does this mean I am not ready to be in a relationship? This man is the best thing thats happened to me.... I'm a sweet, honest person... I know I deserve him and he keeps telling me I'm worth it. Its like I get relationship panic attacks...I won't go to therapy, prefer to work through this alone. I have a great job, family, friends, etc..... everything else in my life is fine but when it comes to getting emotionally close to my guy, i'm scared. what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 9:07pm

Being single for a long time in itself does not mean that you have worked through all or any of the issues that you had-whatever attracted you to the wrong men and the problems they gave you. How did you 'work on yourself' when you were single?

'I won't go to therapy, prefer to work through this alone'

Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 9:18pm
I worked on it alone by focusing on myself... I spent the last year dedicating myself to my job, improving myself, being with my friends. In that year, I became manager at my job, built healthy long-lasting friendships and realized that I don't need a man to make me feel confident. I know I didnt deserve anything that happened in my past and I finally stopped being attracted to the self-centered dishonest guys and for the first time ever I'm attracted to the nice sweet guy.
I won't go to therapy for personal reasons. I'm sure its what I should be doing but I can't imagine telling a stranger about how I was hurt. I've moved on from what that guy didn in many aspects of my life... i don't want to be a victim. But my past is hurting my current relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:21pm

Welcome to the board missbailey,


You've come a long way on your own....you wrote:


::but sometimes I find myself saying that I don't deserve him, that I'm too scared to be with him


I know you have personal reasons for not going to see a counselor and you don't want to talk to stranger about how you were hurt, but the 'I don't deserve him' and 'I'm too scared to be with him,' well they aren't going to go away completely without professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:23pm

You should be honest with him -- you are presently incapable of being in an adult committed relationship and part ways. Otherwise, you are wasting both his and your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:22pm
i have been honest with him about the situation and he has chosen to stay with me as he does not feel like he is wasting his time. We truly enjoy eachothers company and get along very well and have fun the majority of the time. Neither him nor I feel like what we have is a waste of time... but my fears are preventing me from moving forward. He has made the decision to be with me. We connect and care about eachother.... even if our relationship doesn't work... how was our time together a waste if we enjoy it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:28pm

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You can't have moved on and still have your past hurt your present. It means you haven't really dealt with the situation head on. You can forget it and forgive it, but it doesn't mean that the wounds are truly healed.

Sometimes, there are battles we cannot fight alone. In therapy, there is no judgment, only healing. From your brief description above, it sounds like a horrible and painful experience. Talking to friends and family can only help, but probably not in this situation. They cannot stay objective enough to give you good advice because they don't want to see you hurting and will want to comfort you. A therapist can give you objective advice and help you think through your fears/behaviors.