Is This Financially Fair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Is This Financially Fair?
6
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:46pm
Hi! I'm in the middle of ending a 7++ year relationship. I've posted about it a few months ago & really appreciate all of the input I've received. I'm very much looking forward to being on my own & starting a new life!! My now ex-boyfriend has been saying that the relationship was financially unfair to him & he feels taken advantage of. I think hes being a big baby, but I want y'alls (yes, I'm from Texas) opinion to see if his point is valid or not. He is 16 years older than me & is financially secure. When I moved in 6 years ago, it was a mutual decision. Neither of us had lived w/anyone else before. Small sidenote- when the relationship started having problems a few years ago he started insisting that I forced him to let me move in. He says that it was a huge sacrifice to let me move in & basically I should feel honored because he had never lived w/a girlfriend before. Anyway, his house was paid off well before I moved in & he never asked me to help out w/homeowner's insurance, taxes, etc. When we started having problems a few years ago, he said that when I moved in he asked me to pay rent & I refused. He never asked me to pay rent. When the relationship started going downhill is when he started complaing that I wasn't helping out financially. But for the past 6 years I've paid half of the utilities (cable, gas, phone, electric, etc), I usually end up buying 75% of the groceries, I spend approx. $100 a month on litter & food for HIS cats, plus vet bills, etc. Granted he does pay for 95% of the dinners out, movies, etc. I feel its been a financially fair relationship by me paying for half of the utilities. He is upset because I havent' contributed to the homeowners insurance & taxes. I dont feel like I should have. I have no stake in his house, my name isn't on it nor on any of the bills. I haven't been able to decorate, hang pictures, etc. So why should I contribute to something that is in no way mine. If we had purchased a home together or if he was even still making payments on his house, it would be a different story. I wouldn't have a problem contributing towards the house then. Am I being selfish or is he being greedy? Really need a fresh opinion on this. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:00pm
Sounds to me that when he was happy and *in love* that the money (you paying rent, etc or not) didn't bother him, but now that you two are having problems, he's making it an issue.

Probably a good thing you are breaking up. Just be aware, after you are gone he will blame you and hold a grudge that you didn't pay more than you already have.

Have you pointed out all the things you have paid for?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:10pm
Hi! Thanks for your input! Yeah, I've pointed out the bills that I pay for, etc. Doesn't seem to make a difference though. He just points out that he pays for more. Its the exact same thing w/the household chores though. He complains that I dont do anything around the house. I do the laundry, buy the groceries, do the cooking, wash the dishes, take care of the animals, plus other stuff I cant think of right now. When I point out to him that I do X,Y and Z his response is "so, I can do those things without you" & then he points out all of the stuff he does around the house. I'm in the process of moving out now & I cant believe I've put up w/this for so long. I could spend hours talking about the crap I've put up with (no cheating, violence, etc; just annoying bossy personality crap- basically an unfair relationship). And I know hes going to blame me etc, hes already saying that I was the one to end the relationship (it was a mutual decision, we were both unhappy) & that I took advantage of him. Do you think the relationship was financially fair or should I have helped out w/the house taxes, insurance, paid rent, etc? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:27pm
I think it's fair if it's what the two of you agreed upon. If you weren't paying rent all along, but now he thinks it's unfair, why didn't he state it from the beginning? Because he was in love and wanted to *support* you in that way.

A relationship is never 100% equal. Even if he got say $300/month in rent from you back then, it wouldn't be enough now.

Let it go. You did the things you did, utilities, cat, groceries, etc. because you wanted to. He'll have to own up to his own choices.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:41pm
Sounds like this relationship coming to end will be a positive thing - he sounds bitter and willing to point the finger at anything that will validate his postion as victim of the year. It doesn't sound as though he has suffered any financial hardship as a result of your co-habitation, sounds more like sour grapes to me.

I wouldn't pay, and I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, either.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:41pm
Is he asking for money now? Are you still living there?

If not,just let it go and walk away. It doesn't matter who is right. Sounds like a good decision to berak up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 5:50pm
Hi! No, he isn't really asking for $$ now. Just saying that he feels used. When he brought it up in the past, he never asked for $$ either. Just said I was taking advantage of him. If we had agreed that I would pay rent when I moved in, that would be one thing. But I lived w/him for 3 years before the subject ever came up. At the moment I'm still living here. In the process of moving out, hoping to be out by the end of the month. Kind of makes things a little complicated because we work together. I know I'll hear griping & complaining since we'll still be around each other. Yeah, I think us breaking up will be a really great thing. I'm expecting to be amazed at how happy I'll be. Thanks!