Finding Himself....Losing Us
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Finding Himself....Losing Us
| Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:23pm |
I chose this board b/c my boyfriend that I live with is a very New Age, spiritual person. I have tried to understand him more and even brought some of his ideas into my own "spiritual" life. He is mostly vegetarian and does some extreme things with his eating habits such as juice fasting, raw food diets, and once a 14-day water fast which was scary. I have also realized these are usually just a phase. I thought we were past those differences.
Anyway, we have always had a communication problems which are complicated worse being that he is very "aware" of words and never seems to understand me. I feel as if he picks apart every sentence I say. He reacts to every sentence even if I didn't mean it that way but usually says it is my fault because I react to his actions/words first. But I feel differently and if so, two wrongs don't make a right. Example: I said I hated the new flavor of toothpaste. He said "Why did you say that? You have no right to hate the toothpaste. It hasn't done anything to you." I just feel like anything I do or say will be analyzed until the point I don't want to say anything anymore. Well I finally told him this two days ago and a huge fight incurred with him saying I am controlling and our life is mediocure. Well, the next morning, he wakes up to start a new kind of fast. A talking fast -- he is not speaking at all. He hasn't gone to work or spoken to me or anyone else. I don't know how long this will last or if I am supposed to accept it. I do not want to judge him and say he is being unfair b/c in a way that would be unfair of me to judge him. Or am I just brainwashed to think that? I am so confused and having a hard time. He often says I don't love him...I do and I really want to understand this. I think 8 of 10 people would run as fast as they could from all these quirky habits and before I met him, I would be one of those. Yet he does not seem to realize I do accept him the best I can and I am not running. This new fast affects me...I enjoy talking to my friends and loved ones. His mother died when he was six of stomach cancer which brings on the issues with food and his stepmother has caused issues with love. I sometimes feel as if he takes all of this out on me. Am I being unfair to think he should speak and am I judging him? Is this understandable to anyone else? Please help me. Please.
Anyway, we have always had a communication problems which are complicated worse being that he is very "aware" of words and never seems to understand me. I feel as if he picks apart every sentence I say. He reacts to every sentence even if I didn't mean it that way but usually says it is my fault because I react to his actions/words first. But I feel differently and if so, two wrongs don't make a right. Example: I said I hated the new flavor of toothpaste. He said "Why did you say that? You have no right to hate the toothpaste. It hasn't done anything to you." I just feel like anything I do or say will be analyzed until the point I don't want to say anything anymore. Well I finally told him this two days ago and a huge fight incurred with him saying I am controlling and our life is mediocure. Well, the next morning, he wakes up to start a new kind of fast. A talking fast -- he is not speaking at all. He hasn't gone to work or spoken to me or anyone else. I don't know how long this will last or if I am supposed to accept it. I do not want to judge him and say he is being unfair b/c in a way that would be unfair of me to judge him. Or am I just brainwashed to think that? I am so confused and having a hard time. He often says I don't love him...I do and I really want to understand this. I think 8 of 10 people would run as fast as they could from all these quirky habits and before I met him, I would be one of those. Yet he does not seem to realize I do accept him the best I can and I am not running. This new fast affects me...I enjoy talking to my friends and loved ones. His mother died when he was six of stomach cancer which brings on the issues with food and his stepmother has caused issues with love. I sometimes feel as if he takes all of this out on me. Am I being unfair to think he should speak and am I judging him? Is this understandable to anyone else? Please help me. Please.

Because new agey people don't believe in scientific arguments and methodology, any attempt at challenging their authority (they just 'know') or their behavior fails. Experimental diets such as juice fasting are harmful to the body, and I have a hard time believing that they can be anything but harmful on the mind. Our brain needs nutrition to function. But my attempts at convincing my ex that feeding on fruit juice (no proteins, no fats, just simple sugars!) was bad for him failed.
Lesson: new agey people can be very unreasonable.
Because new agey people are convinced they have a better insight in the 'really real', anyone who disagrees with them is simply someone who is mediocre, deprived of 'true sight', and incapable of growth. My new agey BF claimed that all of my disagreements with him were caused by my parents' manipulations and brainwashing. Strangely enough, he did not consider his attempts at making me feel unworthy 'manipulation'...
Lesson: new agey people can be very uncharitable and insensitive.
Because new agey people have faith in some mysterious cosmic processes that will fix any mess they will get into, they don't worry about the consequences of their behavior on other people. My ex did not worry about smoking pot and driving. He didn't worry about throwing away money his parents had busted their butts to earn. He didn't worry about wasting my time by making me drive to his place and then just not be there (time I could have used studying, for example). He didn't worry about calling in the middle of the night and scaring my parents to death.
Lesson: new agey people can be very irresponsible.
New agey extremists believe that anyone is accountable for their behavior (including the metaphorical use of the word 'hate'...), except themselves. They do not believe in coincidences or plain forgetfulness (if you forgot what my favourite ice cream flavour is, this is a clear sign you don't care! If my car broke down on my way to her house, this is a clear sign I should not be with her!), but of course when *they* forget or screw up it is OK.
The lesson I learned is, *stay away*. While a dash of spirituality is OK, new agey fanatics can be, like most fundamentalist simply do not believe in compromise.
Oh and another observation, and I hope I am not offending anyone: being spiritual is a good thing. Looking for meaning and values is a really good thing. But believing that any self-help pseudoscientific ready-made spoon fed crap is the answer to all your question in life does not exactly meet my requirements for 'being spiritual.'
Good luck, and I hope you will keep us posted. Putting your foot down for respect and understanding is *not* being unfair and judgmental.
Try posting on the "My Spiritual Journey" support board.
Carrie