First love a novelty?
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| Sat, 10-27-2007 - 2:44pm |
My husband and I will have been together for 9 years in November...and we're only in our mid-twenties. We started dating when I was 15 and he was only 16. It was both the first relationship and the first time we've ever been intimate with anyone. Experimenting together was fun and scary at the same time. It's wonderful that we are each others' first. However, we've been running into problems for the longest time.
When we first started dating, I didn't have a problem with him looking at other girls or looking up porn. I mean, it was not always comfortable but I never dwelled on it. But after the first year, it was difficult for me to even walk to through the mall or watch R-rated movies with him. It still is very difficult for me to accept him watching porn. We've discussed it and I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess the internal dialog is that I'm not good enough for him and he wishes he could be with those types of girls versus someone like me. It feels like it's his way of cheating on me without physically doing it. Let me know if this sounds irrational.
He says that he is the only one in our relationship who is trying to fix our problem but the problem is my insecurities so I need to take care of it. He says that he can't have any female friends and that he can't watch anything with sexuality in it with me. He feels like I'm am purposely abusing him and tells me that I am just like those men who physically abuses their wives over their insecurities. He says that I haven't done anything to try to fix my problem. He says he tried to stop watching porn but ends up doing it anyway. It makes me feel bad that he does it behind my back but I know it's so that he doesn't hurt my feelings. Resentment is building up on both ends.
We've gone through counseling and I've read self help books. He has forced me to go to a strip bar with him to desensitize me by giving me an ultimatum, either we go in to save our marriage or we break it off right now. I'm am very insecure about my breast size (or lack there of) and I have had bad acne for a long time now. I feel traumatized by it b/c I was so scared and I resent him for it. He's made me watch porn with him once in the middle of an argument to desensitize me. He says my skin is a big contributor to low self-esteem (which I agree). I don't feel comfortable not wearing make up outside b/c of my acne. So he wanted to fix the problem by forcing me to walk around outside without my make up and said that if I didn't go without my make up, then we won't ever rollerblade anymore. He also said that if I loved him and valued our relationship, then I would do it. But I can't. To be honest, I didn't want to do that b/c I feel like he would only compare me to the people he would see out there. And I would obviously not measure up. I know he has good intentions but I don't always agree with him methods.
I feel like I can't talk to anybody about this and would like some feedback from other real women. Thank you.

Welcome to the board lostgem,
First, I want to say that I totally disagree with his methods, as that is NOT what will build self-esteem in you and help you address your insecurities.
You're right, his intentions are good, but his methods suck. What is he, a Marine drill sergeant? ;-) Some people truly believe that the only way to face your fears and insecurities is head-on, I happen to agree, but at the same time, there has to be some sensitivity training on his part before he tries any more "desensitivity training" on you, you know?
Alright then, the thing is, you really need to go see someone about two things: Your acne, and your lack of self-esteem.
I can totally understand that your acne contributes to your insecurities about how you feel about yourself, however, don't hide behind that because there is most definitely the medicine, specialized makeup and treatment out there to take care of that. So, pointed question: WHAT specific steps have you already take to take care of the acne? Makeup all the time doesn't count, because that really only makes it worse. I'm talking medical treatments, or even that Proactiv stuff they sell. My brother says it works, so have you tried that?
As far as your self esteem, couples counseling isn't going to take care of that, reason being is it's not your husband's responsibility to boost that up for you. That's why it's called Self-esteem. Try some counseling for yourself. Learn to like yourself, remind yourself constantly of the many wonderful things about you, WITHOUT making any kind of reference to the things you wish were different about you or the things you don't like. Idea is to FOCUS on the positive. Others can only like us and love us as much as we can like/love ourselves. Why? Because we prevent them otherwise, just like you are preventing your husband from loving you more by being reluctant in the bedroom and in your relationship.
About the porn. Honestly, If you were fine with it before, or didn't say much before about it, saying something now, years later and especially because you have self-esteem issues isn't quite fair to either of you. That doesn't mean you "must" be happy about it, but the thing is, men are highly visual, they tend to focus in more on individual body parts, rather than "the person" like us women do. They can like the way a girl's body looks without ever actually being interested in the girl herself. If the porn is to the point it's replacing actual sex in your marriage, that's one thing, but the way you've described it doesn't seem to to be the case at all. You're not even talking hard-core stuff, you even make him feel guilty about regular rated R movies. Morals is one thing, insecurities is something altogether different. That needs attention. His tactics were rough, but I think he was trying to show you that it's fairly meaningless. Unfortunately for him, men and women don't view sex or porn the same way, for the most part. His method might have worked on a guy, I doubt any woman would be swayed positively by that.
He's not trying to replace you, he's not looking to be with someone else instead of you, none of that, but honestly, don't take care of these things in your post and you *will* start to pave the way for that to happen. Take the steps to take care of the acne and your self-esteem. You might be surprised by your husband's positive reaction to seeing you do that.
Good luck,
Thanks Carrie and Sandra for your feedback.
I've done couple and individual couseling to address my issue. The first counselor was very charmed by my husband (he's very likable) and apparently wasn't charmed by me or my problems. Earlier on in our relationship, I've noticed that certain things he says made me more self conscious about my body image, i.e. "bigger is better" when I'm physically petite. How do I not take it so personal? What do you say to yourselves to not worry about your significant other checking out other girls or watching hard core porn? What do you say to yourselves when you start to feel a twinge of insecurity? I guess I worry that he will leave
'He feels like I'm am purposely abusing him and tells me that I am just like those men who physically abuses their wives over their insecurities. '
In what ways are you abusing him?
Have you tried acutane for your acne? That worked wonders on me.
I'll bet it does feel like a prison! You can't even count on your own mom, the one person in life who's supposed to love you just as you are.
You have to convince yourself and it can be hard but you can do it, that what your Mom and your husband say about you do NOT apply to you. The thing is being able to separate what they say from what you believe about yourself and right now they're all wrapped up together. You're pretty much just fine and dandy the way you are. I can imagine that the acne is a big obstacle towards your self-esteem, but a major portion of our self-esteem comes from who we are, not what we are, so like I said before, begin the process by focusing on the intangibles about you that are wonderful. I do realize that your problems "seem" to stem from your looks, but you have to start somewhere, may as well be somewhere where you are ahead of the game ;)
It doesn't seem your husband minds the acne or your build so much as your defeated personality because of it. Your'e assigning meaning to his words that I don't think are necessarily there. Your said you're afraid he'll leave if he found someone "better." Better how? In looks, in size, in outside appearance? Honestly, if he would be the type of person to leave you on superficialities like that, then you wouldn't want him in your life anyway. So better how? What are the good things about yourself? WRITE THEM DOWN. Read the list daily and add to it daily without fail.
Girl, growing up I was gawky, nerdy, bony, glasses, acne all over my face, weird haircut, don't get me started on the bad perm my senior year, never the latest fashions, odd sense of humor, I was a mess. I married the first guy who showed what I thought was a real interest in me. We divorced nine years later and it wasn't until AFTER that that I found my grace. Seriously, I did what I'm telling you to do, the writing things down, the talking nicely to myself, I'd compliment myself all the time because I figured no one else might ever do it. Looking back now, i know that's ridiculous, but you couldn't tell me otherwise back then. I'd say it took a couple of years, but then, I didn't have help on it either, I had to figure these things out on my own. Now, even though I know for certain there are women out there that are physically better-looking than me, so what? There are others who aren't and yet still, everyone seems to find someone when all is said and done. Honestly it doesn't matter because they're not me and I'm fabulous! ;-) Can you say that about yourself? That you're fabulous? Start practicing now.
Whether you want to talk to your husband about this more or not is up to you, but somehow he needs to know two things: That he needs to stop with the weird-o desensitizing crap (and say it like that, don't knuckle under and say please don't do that it hurts me, say 'cut the crap') and also that you'd like some acknowledgement of the things you do do. If he's forgotten how to compliment you, show him by complimenting him here and there, thank him when he does do something nice. I know that's probably the last thing you want to do right now, but find something good about him and say it, we get what we give. Someone has to stop this cycle, might as well be you.
I'm certain others will have more for you, weekends are kinda slow.