First relationship and I need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
First relationship and I need help!
7
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:54am
I met this wonderful guy a few months ago and I have fallen deeply in love with him. When i met him my family disowned me because I was spending so much time with him. I've never been in a relationship before and I'm 22. He on the other hand was in a 6 year relationship with someone. They split up 5 months before we met. She is in Iraq for 3 years so theres not a threat in that matter, for now anyway. We talked about her and how he felt and if he was ready to move on. I didnt want to get into something and risk loosing the only family and home that I knew. He was honest with me and told me that he still loves her very much and he thinks about her and misses her. He said for me to bear with him and help him and comfort him during all of this. I agreed because I know you just cant fall out of love with someone. I understand his feelings and I think as time goes on he's getting better. I love him and I've told him that many times. He told me that it would wrong for him to tell me he loves me because that would be lying to me and he doesnt want to do that. I live in Alabama and I've been here all my life. He's from Florida and in 2 days were both going back to his hometown. He wants me to go. He says he cares about me and he'll do anything in the world for me. My whole family has turned theyre backs on me and I have nothing or no one but him. I'm about to be in a place I've never been. I dont know anyone and I have nothing here to fall back on if anything was to go wrong. I could die and nobody would know or care. The only thing I need help with is the fact that he's still in love with this girl and he's taking on responsibility of me. Were going to the place where they first met and spent a long time there before she was stationed here. So. I know theres going to be lots of memories for him. I know he cares about me we've been through alot. However what do I do about his love for her? How long will take for him to love me? Is there a chance he will ever love me? Is there a chance that us going back there will stir up memories for him and things get bad for us? I'm scared to death right now and I dont know what to do. I need some advice bad. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 12:30pm

Welcome the board rayvennyte,


First I am sorry your family turned their backs on you because you started dating someone. That is not right. Second, I don't think you should be moving to a different state where you know nobody and live with a guy that you have only known a couple of months and who admits that he loves another woman and doesn't love you. You do not have a solid enough foundation with this guy to be doing that. I really think you should reconsider going with him and he is over the other girl and say that he loves you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:26pm

Welcome to the board rayvennyte,


Are you his first relationship after his break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:35pm
Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it, but, I love him and I have no choice at this point but to go with him. My family is hell bent on getting rid of me. I have a job once i get there. The company I worked for said I still had my job all I have to do is get them to fax my paperwork. So, if all else fails I will have my own money. Matt is all I have right now and I have to depend on him for a little while. I dont want to lose him. Im freaking out and I hate to confront him about it. Every time I do he reassures me everything'll be alright. But thanks for replying it means alot...bye
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:47pm
Thanks for replying and giving me the advice... He didnt have anything to do with the way my faamily done me. It was bound to happen with or without him in the picture. Since I was 10 I've never been close to them. My father and Grandmother raised me and both of them died. Which left me at my mothers doorsteps at 10 years old, never even knowing my mother or my brothers and sister. I've been in and out of my moms house, living with whomever would accept me, since I was 17 years old. Those people dont care about me, where I go , who I go with or what I do in my life. Thats why I'm excited to start a new life in a new state away from everyone here. When i met Matt he was about to leave the following friday and he stayed here with me until I was ready to go. Thats why I'm so darn confused.. If it wasnt for his love for her I'd think I had a fairy tale romance here. Thats the only thing that bothers me. I've wanted all my life for someone to love me and only me, unconditionally and true. No matter where I go or who I turn to it doesnt happen. I'm sorry to keep blabbering on, so, I want to thank you again... bye
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:50pm
Oh and I didnt mention that I am his first relationship after her. This feels worse than a soap opera...lol.. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:53pm

You are in a tough situation. Its too bad your family is reacting the way they are. I'm sure though that although they are disappointed with your decision they would welcome you home.

Your BF is not in love with you. That's the first red flag. It sounds like you are a rebound (sorry to be harsh). He is in love with his Ex, and he's as much told you that his head and heart are still with her. You can not make someone love you. Even if he does come around you will always feel compared to the Ex, always feel second best.

You have only been with him a few months. Its really hard to be 'deeply in love' after only knowing each other such a short time. The beginning of a relationship can be intoxicating because there is a lot of new emotions involved. The sad part for you is that it sounds like it is one-sided. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with someone who feels the same about you and you do about them? Something to think about seriously. It is not too late to stay where you are. Personally, I'd stay and let him move and see how it goes for a couple of months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:03pm

It probably is a good idea to get away from family like that. Just try not to be too dependant on Matt. It makes it way to easy to put up with things that you normally wouldn't.


Best of luck to you. Please feel free to post on the board anytime.

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