first troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
first troubles
9
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:15am
hey,

I was hoping u could help me. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now, he is 2 years older than me.it is the best relationship i have ever been in, we love each other to bits and it feels like we've been together forever.

Unfortunately, he has a lot of stress at the moment, and it is the kind of stress that i cant really help him very much with (university exams).

His last day of uni was on friday,and obviously they were all completely drunk. I wasnt, but was chatting to them normally. He said something and pulled a face which everyone including me laughed at. Suddenly with no reason at all he slapped me on my cheek- not a slap that really hurt,but was definately a slap. i half ignored it and kinda slapped him back as a joke, but thinking about it afterwards i shudnt have made a joke out of it i shud have just walked away.

my problem with it,apart from anything, is that he "punished" me for something i did, which i think is not right.

we play fight sometimes but i think that doesnt compare to what happened on friday.

Also, right at the beginning of the relationship he told me he had been discussing my breasts with his best mate- surely that is not a sign of respect either??! i passed it off as a stupid comment- it was meant as a compliment and i dont assume for one minute that men dont discuss things like that. otherwise things are perfect between us.

when we dicussed these things,he was so sorry, apparently he was so drunk he cudnt remember saying or doing anything in those few hours.

Friends say that i should finish with him. i dont know what to do it is so hard.

i'd really appreciate any advice anybody has!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 12:06pm

are you SURE that you would appreciate any advise? hon - your friends are right. I hope that you understand that they are your FRIENDS - they are people who care about you.


this guy is ABUSIVE!!! he slapped you!!! he is DISRESPECTFUL (talking about your breasts to another guy)


you RUN don't walk away from him.


add to this, the fact that he got so drunk that he doesn't even remember what he did? (makes you wonder what ELSE he did while drunk)....


and what REALLY worries me, is that for some reason you think this is OK? ITS NOT OK and you DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. if you think its ok, then i truly advise you to get some help for yourself.


hugs honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 12:07pm
one more thing - be thankful that he showed his true colors after three months, and that you are able to pick up on it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
In reply to: aychjay
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:49pm
so, u think that the fact that he was completely drunk and only tapped me on my cheek, still isnt forgiveable?

maybe he thought it wud be a joke. him and i played around the day before, like play fighting, maybe he just confused it with playing around, after all he and his mates were quite "high"...

he also suffered from ADD as a child and teenager maybe that plays a part in his behaviour

under alcohol influence.

i dont not think it is ok and definately do not need help, but it is very easy for someone in your position as it is for my friends, to tell me to leave him. u are not the ones who love him. to me, it seems like an awful shame to throw away a perfect relationship on the grounds of one mistake he made and will never make again???

and i think if u asked an honest guy, he'd admit that guys talk about girls in that way sometimes, be it wrong or not. its my boyfriends open manner and willingness to make a joke (okay a very bad joke) when he tells me this sort of information. that is typical that he says things sometimes that he perhaps should keep for himself. but that is just something i have to accept and maybe try to teach him that i dont want to hear it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:56pm
"His last day of uni was on friday, and obviously they were all completely drunk." Why would getting drunk be obvious to anyone? Do you consider this to be normal and expected behavior from a young man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
In reply to: aychjay
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:06pm
?! no of course not, but it happens doesn't it! most people have a drink or too on their last day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:28pm
How old are you? and how can you say that you are THAT in love with him after 3 months? I mean I know it happens. I fell in love with my boyfriend very quickly too, but if he EVER, drunk or not, hit me in my face, even lightly, he would have been GONE honey. Him being drunk/high, is not a reason to excuse his behavior. What happens 10 years down the road, you are married and have a baby or two and he gets drunk and slaps one of the kids or slaps you?

Any behavior like that is abusive, sober or not. I understand that neither we, or your friends know how you feel about this guy and it is easier for us to say to leave him, but you DID ask us for advice. If you don't want to know what we have to say, don't ask questions. Not being rude, just honest.

Honey, really think about this situation. Do you really want to be with someone who has the potential of being abusive?

Good luck girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:14pm

sweetie. not only do i think his behavior is unacceptable (let's lose the term "forgivable") - but i think that you are justifying, defending, and covering up for him.let's hope i am wrong - but from where i am sitting this looks like typical abusive/codependent behavior. and i have BTDT - so i kinda know what its all about.


in your first post, YOU are the one who said

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: aychjay
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:05pm

If you are very happy with him outside of this one event, there is no reason at all to finish with him. This happened when he was drunk. Is he drunk often? Is drinking a problem? If not, then that's good. Let him know that this kind of behavior is totally unacceptable to you and that if it ever happens again, you're out of there. (He deserves a warning - and also it was not his normal behavior but happened when he was drunk). The next obvious point is not to be with him when and if he gets drunk like that again. Tell him you don't want to be with him when he is drunk. Period. If he doesn't drink much and this was just an odd occassion, that won't be a problem. He'll stop after a drink or two... however, if he gets drunk a lot then you have another situation you are dealing with. Sit down together and talk this over carefully. He has not done anything to merit you walking out. He deserves a chance to be aware of how much this upset you and promise to never do it again...and, as I said, if drinking is not a problem, he most likely won't.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
In reply to: aychjay
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:18am
I THINK THAT IF HE HIT YOU NO MATTER HOW DRUNK HE IS, YOU SHOULD END IT...

MY HUSBAND HAS SAID TO ME A MILLION TIMES THAT HE HAS WANTED TO SMACK ME RIGHT IN MY FACE BUT HE NEVER DID.

AND I HAVE A LITTLE SECRET FOR YOU...YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING DRUNK OR NOT AND IF YOU DONT IT MEANS THAT YOUR SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC THAT YOU BLACK OUT. SO NO MATTER WHAT, YOU DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM ANYWAY.

BESIDES YOUR IN COLLEGE YOU WILL BE WITH A LEAST FIVE MORE MEN BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED TO ONE SO DONT FRET THERE ARE A MILLION MORE WHERE HES COME FROM.

BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT YOU SHOULD BREAK IT OFF WITH HIM BEFORE SOMETHING WORSE HAPPENS...REMEMBER IF HE CANT CONRTOL HIMSELF NOW THEN IT DOESNT LOOK TO GOOD FOR HIM IN THE FUTURE.