Fish or cut bait? Need advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fish or cut bait? Need advice!!
4
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:28pm
Here's the situation - my on-again, off-again boyfriend of over 5 years has been very hot and cold with me over the past few years. (I should note that we are each other's first serious relationship ever.) One moment he's planning our future, naming our future dogs and looking at rings with his mother and the next he's running scared. The main issue has always been the feeling of being trapped and that he's losing his identity (I have a big family, like to do things spontaneously and also plan weekends away etc. and he's from a small family and is very organized.) I've dated other people but it only takes minutes before he comes back, promising me the world. Recently our breakups have been even more vague, with us each going on dates with others etc. Although I've known he's gone on dates and have not been a complete angel, I did not realize he "dated" someone on and off for the past couple months until just recently. I have dated people too but did not get as emotionally involved. He says he was confused and he realized that she couldn't compare to me so he pulled away, but it's clear that one of the reasons for his inability to commit to me, at least recently, was because he contstantly wondered about the "what ifs" with this girl. I don't blame him for these feelings but at this point he really had to deal with them head-on.He says he knows I am the one he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with and he wants to make things work but he still can't even commit to spending much time together or planning weekends because he immediately feels trapped. I know we love each other so much but it's causing us both so much pain. He's agreed to go talk to a professional to work out his commitment "issues" - should I compromise and give him more space now to try to save this or finally give up? Help!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:49pm
If you're willing to give him some time, I'd would say to him, Ok, go to counseling for six months and then we'll talk and see where you are. If he has gotten his head together, then you could try getting back together, with the help of couples counseling.

But after five years, you may have had enough and that would be completely understandable. The other option would be to break things off without any agreement to wait for six months, and you move forward in the meantime, but if he does go to counseling and works out his issues, if you're still available down the road, you'll consider getting back together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:48pm

Though you never specified how old you are, 5 eyars is a long time to be dating anyone- on and off, or not. Its cleaar you both care deeply for each other, but Im worried that you two never let each other experience the world in its fullest. Sometimes, its not that he dont want to be with you, but wants to make sure thathe doesnt want to be with anyone else either.


My reccomendation to you would be to open the lines od communication and have a heart to heart with him- its waaayy overdue. be honest. If you want to know what hes feeling , whether a "break" is necessary or not, then ask....But avoiding the issue and continuing playing mind games will only drag this out longer.


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:46pm
'one of the reasons for his inability to commit to me, at least recently, was because he contstantly wondered about the "what ifs" with this girl.'

Or could it be that he has these 'what if' moments as a way to avoid commitment?

Maybe he just isn't ready and is too young to talk about marriage. Maybe you are too. How old are you two? Regardless he is confused and your relationship leaves a lot to be desired. Can you imagine going through this for another year?

Agree on a plan-maybe couples counseling for a few months and then reevalute.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:28am
We are both in our mid/late 20s - dated since early in college. It's so difficult because we see our furture together with a house, kids etc. but his resistence to fully commit is keeping us from ever getting to that point. And constantly taking breaks and seeing other people is not getting us closer to that point!