Fixing My Mistakes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Fixing My Mistakes
10
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:33pm
A couple of weeks ago I cheated on my boyfriend and since then we have been going through the motions. We are not a couple anymore, but he still comes around and we do everything as if we were a couple however, he will not kiss me at all and will only have sex with me if he feels like it. At that time I know it is not us making love and enjoying each other, but simply sex to satisfy his needs at the time. We have talked about trying to work through this and it has been said that if I make changes then we can discuss our future. The changes that I am making are changes that will (with or without him) make me a better person. They are not changes for him, but for me. Well basically, this weekend is coming and I want to do something special for him that does not involve sex. There was a time when we had lots of time to spend together alone, I would do things like give him pedicures and massages and things like that which I thought I could do something like that, but right now I am lost as to what to do. That is question #1 what should I do to make it a special day for him. The second question is although we are not a couple (which only he and I know this) we still act like one. I just don't want to get my hopes up for him to decide that no he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Am I kidding myself, he is here and he is here because he wants to be and we will eventually be back together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:11pm
From what you just said it seem's to me that's as much up to you as it is to him! Are you going to work to fix the issue that was created?? I'm sure there is more to it than what was posted but in any case it's very hard on the person who is cheated on to rebuild the trust that is broken when it happens and will take alot of work on your part as far as dealing with him not trusting you I know cause my Fiance has done the same thing to me and I still have a very hard trusting alott of things in our relationship that were never an issue previous to it happening but assuming you are willing to work on it and he says he is too than I think just about anything can be worked out in a relationship thats all up to the couple to work it out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:23pm

I'm confused. You said that you're "not a couple". But you also call him your boyfriend.

What, exactly, is the type of relationship you have?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:40pm

he is only spending time with you so that he can make you feel bad about what you did for him. he will never be able to make you feel as bad as he feels so he will just keep trying.

how long are you going to live with him hurting you like this over and over!?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:48pm
Actually we were a couple, however we are currently broken up because I cheated on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:50pm
I guess I do not understand your message. It was I who cheated. I was the one who hurt him. He has done nothing wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:05pm
he wants you to pay for your mistake, he doesn't want to forgive you. and since you feel guilty, you keep letting him make you pay over and over again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:45pm

Welcome to the board tawanal,


Most couple's cannot overcome the betrayal of cheating and rebuild trust without counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:53pm

I guess I'm not seeing the "punishment" everyone else is seeing???


Just know that with you having broken his trust, actually, his biggest trust in you, it's going to be a huge challenge for both you to gain it back from him and for him to give it to you again.


What you can do is be consistent.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 5:17pm

I have no idea why he's still seeing you if you're not a couple anymore. It sounds like you two broke up when he found out that you cheated..? If you broke up, is he back just for sex? Is that all that's going on? Do you do other things as well. If he's back just for sex (not love making as you say), this is disrespectful to you, as if he's treating you like a sexual object rather than a woman he respects and cares for. It could be he's punishing you in this way for what happened. And you are probably staying in the situation to hold onto him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:14pm
Thank you for that. It makes perfect sense. I am really struggling with this entire situation and I am trying to not focus so much on what I want, but what he needs. In all actuality, he has been wonderful, he has been a bigger man than I could have ever been if the tables were turned. He is hurting and I understand this and although I want so bad for things to be the way they were I know that I cannot rush it or push him becuase it will only push him away. I thank God for putting such a wonderful man in my life and I have faith that we will be okay. It will take some time I know, but I know that we will work through this because we have God, love and we have the desire to be together and that is a start. Again, thank you for your words, they are encouraging.