Follow my heart and move overseas to be with him??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Follow my heart and move overseas to be with him??
11
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 2:55pm
I met and fell in love with a man while living overseas in Europe. We dated for 10 months and then I had to return to the United States the end of May. The first 6 months of our relationship was a whirlwind of romance and travel but also a little bumpy. We had met online and it took him almost 6 months to take down his online profile (which he had been actively using) and then when I confronted him about it, he finally took it down. During this time he also didn’t treat me 100%. He was extremely romantic and affectionate but would often comment on my weight and got frustrated that I was not losing weight. I am 30 pounds overweight (5’10 and 180) but not obese or anything. I wasn’t sure how to take it. He would also comment on my housekeeping skills, and how my house wasn’t as clean as it should be (well…I was always spent every weekend at his house…he lived an hour away, so it did not leave much time to for the house). When I asked him why he was often so critical of me, he said they were just important qualities he looked for in a wife and future mother of his children. When he learned at the beginning of the year that I had to leave because my contract overseas was not renewed, he suddenly became very sweet, was trying to figure out how I could stay, perhaps find another job. He said I was the love of his life, and he wants me to return. I am really stressed out about this…I have family back here in the States, a very good job, I am terrified of giving it all up and go to live with him and try to make a life there. He has never in fact said the word marriage. I think about how in love we were, maybe we could make it work, but then I think about how he treated me in the beginning of the relationship. He wants me to come visit next month, but the flights are around $1400. Everyone says he should come visit me and meet my parents before considering such a drastic move (I have met his family several times) but he does not offer to?

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Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001

Why would you be moving to Europe, and giving up family, friends and a good job, to live with someone who has promised nothing, is not making an effort to come see you and criticizes you? What are you thinking is going to happen? You will move there and suddenly he will propose and stop nagging you about your house and your weight? The fact that he has not even offered to come see you instead of you going back, again, is more proof that you are more invested in this relationship than he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I would have said about the same things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 12:20am

I can just reiterate what the others have said.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

I don't understand why are you holding on to this relationship? He has already shown his true colors how he is treating you.

For every relationship, I believe that I need to accept the other person as they are, e.g. overweight, housekeeping, etc. or I need to move on.

You have experienced the honeymoon phase of the wonderfulness of a new relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009

Instead of ' follow my heart ' ,you need to follow some logic and common sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 10:17am

Most people make the worst decisions of their lives by "following their heart" because most people lack common sense.

Do you lack common sense? I hope not.

As mhash said, he's shown his true colors.

You don't have to be in a relationship just because you're in love with someone. Being in love isn't ANY indication whatsoever that you're in the right relationship. 5'10" and 180, you may have 30lbs to be at your IDEAL weight but that doesn't mean you are 30lbs overweight. When I was 180 (I am 5'7") my boyfriend treated me like I was the most beautiful girl on earth, and after losing 40, he treats me exactly the same. Why wouldn't you want a man to treat you like that? It is appalling that you would stay with someone who hurts your self-esteem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 11:32am

Believe me I am always questioning why I am staying in this relationship, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
" I am always questioning why I am staying in this relationship " You could have low self esteem , you could be co dependent, you could be desparate , you could be numerous other reasons.

" But now I have to much to lose and an ocean between us to continue it.... " Lose what ? Weight or personal loss ?If its weight, its understandable , even though its not something you should be doing for him because he said so .But if its a personal loss you are talking about, then you are stretching it too far . Its was just a 10 month old relationship . People divorce after 2 years and after 20 years as well , if the situation is not what they agree with.

The choice is yours .

( Today its the weight and housework , tomorrow it could be your hair or your clothes or your jewellery or how you walk or talk, your tone, your speech, the list is endless )
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

Honey please don't jump into anything fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Update: I wrote a long e-mail explaining my feelings...how I felt like I was always the one making the effort in the relationship, giving up everything, how he was critical of me, etc and then he didn't even reply. Sent him a text message. Nothing. He just cut me off like that from his life. I can't believe it. The silence hurts so much

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