Forgiving Partner's Cybersex Addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Forgiving Partner's Cybersex Addiction
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 1:45am
A few months ago, I posted a problem I had with my boyfriend. I found out he was talking to women online, but also using a camera to do God-knows-what with them. Snooping around, I found a transcript between my boyfriend and a woman. He talked about having a threesome, and basically gave the impression he was single. (He also shared intimate details; for example, he told one girl about the time his girlfriend thought she was pregnant---that girlfriend was me, and voiced his message like a "this happened to me one time...") He also mentioned using the camera (in the conversations), but never got into detail---guess the detail was on the screen.

Well, I don't know if he tired of it (or suspected I became aware), but he unplugged the camera and uninstalled all his Instant Messaging software except for one, which lists all his school buddies.

Today, I found a popup from a woman, who left a URL with a photo and her stats. Now, I also have the same Instant Messaging service, and occasionally get these popups. Because I never discussed with him the fact I found out about his online antics, I clicked on it, and then asked him about it. (I clicked on it because if he is in another room, he will ask me to tell him if any messages pop up, especially on nights he goes to his friend's house). He got frustrated and asked me why I am so jealous.

My questions:

1) Did you ever find out about your significant other's cyber addiction, and then lied because you felt badly that you found out about it?

2) Can you ever forgive a partner for a cybersex addiction? To me, looking at porn is one thing, but using a video camera to create the sensation of a threesome or something else is another.

I've wanted to bring up the discussion since I found out about it. It makes me want to throw up when I read what he said to her; it makes me want to throw up when I think of him sharing his body with someone else.

Like to hear others' thoughts and opinions, as well as their experiences.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 1:12pm
To me, this is not a forgiveable thing. It's cheating, period, and if fidelity and monogamy is important to you, then you're with the wrong man. I agree with you, porn is one thing, but once you involve actual people (whether online, by phone or IRL), it crosses the line.

He obviously doesn't agree (his jealousy comment), so unless you can learn to live with this, it's time to end this relationship.


Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 1:17am
I can't give you the advice that you desire because I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. This is a deal breaker for me-end of story-the bottom line.