Found a bad email - rebuilding trust?
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| Sat, 06-02-2007 - 1:57pm |
Hi all,
About two months ago I peeked at hubby's email, and found a surprising mail.
He has a single female friend that comes to parties occasionally, and is incredibly catty with me. Rude comments like "fake nails, yuck" when she looks at my hands. I've told him that I want him to stand up for me when she does this, but he won't. He takes her side and berates me for not wanting her around.
So I see an email from him to her, and wonder if he's talked to her about being so rude to his wife. To my horror, the email complains that we're not having sex enough, he's been making out with one of my best friends when they get drunk at parties, and sometimes he thinks it would be nice to "have someone on the side" during our dry spells.
I confront him about this email, and he's horrified. He says that he's never made out with my friend, he's bored with life and his self-esteem is bad because he thinks I'm not attracted to him any more. He apologizes profusely and says he'll go to counselling and make this up to me. He said that this email was sent on a horribly depressed day and this is NOT how he feels about me. He was trying to make himself feel better, and attractive. *sigh*
I told him I was horrified that he would try to portray me this way to this girl, and that it was even worse because she brags about dating married men.
I talked to the "friend" that he was supposedly making out with, and she denied the whole thing. That doesn't mean a lot though, because she's an alcoholic and a pathological liar.
So I've been going nuts ever since. At the time he sent the email, I thought things were going really well, and obviously was wrong.
Last night I demanded that he show me his email, and he was furious. He showed me, and there was nothing there that was disturbing. I KNOW that he could have another email, etc., and that's what's driving me nuts.
He's angry and resentful that I asked to see his email. He said that it's emasculating and he can't believe I would ask that of him. In light of what he's been writing, I felt like it was not only justified, but his obligation to show me that he's being trustworthy now.
I don't know that I can trust him now. Until I read that first email I've never checked up on him, there's never been a reason to.
I want to get back to being able to trust him. I don't want to check up on him, to worry about where he is, to need compulsively to check his email. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but I don't feel the same way I felt about him before this.
I've lost a lot of respect and trust. I want this relationship to work, but I don't know how to get past this.
Anyone have any tips, suggestions? I know it will take time, but I don't know what it will take to trust him again.
I've told him that if he wants to stray, he owes me the respect of doing the tough thing and letting me go. He agrees, and I believe him.. but I don't know how to get PAST this mistrust :(
We were always the couple that everyone was jealous of. And now it feels like we're falling apart. I'm so sad :(
Edited 6/2/2007 2:09 pm ET by enjolita
Edited 6/9/2007 12:47 pm ET by enjolita

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Hi Ts,
Ugh, I'm so sorry. Sounds like a very similar situation.
Hubby agreed on his own that it's best for our relationship that he let the friendship with the catty girl die. That's one of the reasons I felt like I needed to check his email, because I wanted to see if he has, truly, not been contacting her.
The thing that kills me is that I felt this same way in my gut about the relationship before hubby, and I can't believe I'm here again. With THIS man. He's truly the best friend I have and I can't believe he would try to portray me this way - it makes me look like an a**hole. "I make out with my wife's friends behind her back." So from then on, every time this girl would see me she would be laughing at me behind my back. Just disgusting.
He knows he royally messed up, and I don't doubt that he's sincerely sorry.
I guess I just don't really know how to proceed. I've told him we need to go to couple's counseling, but he says that he needs to go on his own for a while and deal with his own issues first. Does that sound like a copout to you, or do you think that's a legitimate request?
I'm so sorry for your situation. I have to admit though, that without the internet I would have no idea that he was saying these things about me, so for that I'm glad.
I would rather have read that email than had a woman on my doorstep in 10 years saying that she'd been having an affair with him and is now pregnant.
I don't WANT to be checking his email, but on the other side of things I have this compulsive need to check it. If I could get into his email right now, you BET I would. If I knew his password I would be checking his email as we speak.
I just am not sure what will regain that trust, you know? He is angry and humiliated that I wanted to look at his email but I don't know any other way to make sure he's doing the right thing.
And also he could easily get another email address once I had full access to his email.
It all just makes me sick. I'm so sad.
Yeah, I do have to admit, I was very impressed that he would go to counseling by himself.
I guess the big problem is feeling like not losing friends is more important to him than making sure that our relationship is stable.
About two years ago he went to a concert with a friend of his and the friend's fiance. While they were at the concert, this girl was trying to put her hands down hubby's pants! He said he kept pushing her hand away, but didn't tell his friend and most importantly, didn't tell ME.
I found out 10 months later when a mutual friend accidentally let the cat out of the bag.
I confronted her and hubby was furious. He said he felt henpecked and he didn't know why I was so upset. He's not a stupid man, that's what makes this more frustrating. He's one of the most brilliant and intuitive men I've ever met.
I think he is feeling like he's getting older and he still wishes he was in his 20's.
He's bored and looking for some excitement and he's finding that at the cost of my trust.
Doesn't it baffle you that they don't just want to be HAPPY? Doesn't it make sense that if you want something, you would ask your wife/significant other for it? I don't know if they get some excitement from doing something "wrong" but it seems like it's a common thread.
I just don't understand it. I wish he would GROW. UP.
I had a similar situation. My bf was involved with an ex of his on-line and on the phone (he claims that is it). Prior to that - the relationship was quite comfortable. We were each other's bestfriends... Our sex life was almost non-existent (he was paraonoid that even with protection I could get pregnant) for a couple of years - yet, we both were still happy with each other. We spent almost all of our free time together - which we both thought was great. He and his ex were in touch and he thought it would lead me to feeling insecure and jealous so that I "would come after him" and ask "what are you doing?" I was so devasted that after over 10 years, he and I were faithful and now he is "involved" with someone he actually hated for years! I didn't know what to do - tried to talk to him but he denied the phone calls and e-mails - I knew he was lying to my face (something he never did before). I thought through his lies, behavior, distance...that I was being replaced so, I wound up meeting someone and decided that my BF is not the only one who can deceive... Well, it turns out that my BF claims nothing else happened and now because something did happen with me - I have to regain his trust - but he is not forgiving to anyone by nature. He won't tell him how to regain his trust...
It is really sad that such a useful tool as the internet can be so destructive just the same. you are not alone and I hope your situation pans out for the best. Anyone have any advice on regaining trust??
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IMO, it sounds like a copout. There's no reason he can't do individual counseling AND marriage counseling at the same time.
If he's truly interested in repairing the trust in this marriage, he'll do both and NOT wait another minute to do so. Repairing the damage ASAP is important. He owes you that. This marriage is not just him and his issues. If the relationship is to be treated as a third entity in addition to you and your hubby (and it should), then it needs to be tended to NOW. It's not fair for him to worry only about himself and his own issues and not you and yours (which resulted from HIS behavior) and to ignore the IMMEDIATE needs of the relationship.
Insist on couples counseling NOW along with his individual counseling.
In the meantime, I think that ending the friendship with this other woman was an excellent idea. I also think that until you feel you can trust him again, he should allow you access to his e-mails AND his phone. DBF agrees on this when it comes to those who've done something to break trust.
Welcome to the board enjolita,
I gotta agree with blondie - COUPLE'S counseling NOW.
I am not saying these things to hurt you more, but I just don't think it would be beneficial to you to let him sweep everything under the rug like it really wasn't any big deal. It is a very big deal, and I would suggest maybe even taking some time by yourself for awhile to sort things out. Good luck!!
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