Found a bad email - rebuilding trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Found a bad email - rebuilding trust?
15
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 1:57pm

Hi all,

About two months ago I peeked at hubby's email, and found a surprising mail.

He has a single female friend that comes to parties occasionally, and is incredibly catty with me. Rude comments like "fake nails, yuck" when she looks at my hands. I've told him that I want him to stand up for me when she does this, but he won't. He takes her side and berates me for not wanting her around.

So I see an email from him to her, and wonder if he's talked to her about being so rude to his wife. To my horror, the email complains that we're not having sex enough, he's been making out with one of my best friends when they get drunk at parties, and sometimes he thinks it would be nice to "have someone on the side" during our dry spells.

I confront him about this email, and he's horrified. He says that he's never made out with my friend, he's bored with life and his self-esteem is bad because he thinks I'm not attracted to him any more. He apologizes profusely and says he'll go to counselling and make this up to me. He said that this email was sent on a horribly depressed day and this is NOT how he feels about me. He was trying to make himself feel better, and attractive. *sigh*

I told him I was horrified that he would try to portray me this way to this girl, and that it was even worse because she brags about dating married men.

I talked to the "friend" that he was supposedly making out with, and she denied the whole thing. That doesn't mean a lot though, because she's an alcoholic and a pathological liar.

So I've been going nuts ever since. At the time he sent the email, I thought things were going really well, and obviously was wrong.

Last night I demanded that he show me his email, and he was furious. He showed me, and there was nothing there that was disturbing. I KNOW that he could have another email, etc., and that's what's driving me nuts.

He's angry and resentful that I asked to see his email. He said that it's emasculating and he can't believe I would ask that of him. In light of what he's been writing, I felt like it was not only justified, but his obligation to show me that he's being trustworthy now.

I don't know that I can trust him now. Until I read that first email I've never checked up on him, there's never been a reason to.

I want to get back to being able to trust him. I don't want to check up on him, to worry about where he is, to need compulsively to check his email. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but I don't feel the same way I felt about him before this.

I've lost a lot of respect and trust. I want this relationship to work, but I don't know how to get past this.

Anyone have any tips, suggestions? I know it will take time, but I don't know what it will take to trust him again.

I've told him that if he wants to stray, he owes me the respect of doing the tough thing and letting me go. He agrees, and I believe him.. but I don't know how to get PAST this mistrust :(

We were always the couple that everyone was jealous of. And now it feels like we're falling apart. I'm so sad :(

Edited 6/2/2007 2:09 pm ET by enjolita




Edited 6/9/2007 12:47 pm ET by enjolita

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:47am

Well, he has to realize that he has breached your trust and that it is normal for you to feel jealous and insecure and want to read his email. He has to face the repercussions of his behavior and not get angry at you for a perfectly normal response. Don't let him switch the blame onto you here.


It takes a lot of time, open, honest communication and good will to rebuild trust. Often it takes the help of some professional counseling. I think that is certainly indicated in your situation. He has to realize what happened and become a partner in re-building trust, not turn it on you. He also has to work out his own depression and feelings of low self esteem. It sounds as though he lacks self awareness and certainly lacks the tools to deal with all that's going on. Go get some good help, get counseling, talk through all the issues with a professional and see where it goes from there. It doesn't sound to me as though the two of you can get on top of this on your own.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 12:40pm

Thank you everyone for your good advice, and thank you for being so honest. Believe me, I am dealing with things as though he actually DID mess around with my friend, as opposed to believing that he was just "making it up because he was depressed."

I've definitely found that I'm disengaging from the relationship emotionally. I HAVE to, to keep my sanity.

But you're all right, he's putting a lot of this on me because he can't deal with the guilt. He gets incredibly defensive when he feels like he's done something wrong, whether it's with me or with other friends.

It's just such a gross situation, and I've lost so much respect for him. I take care of my stepson as though he was my own, I take care of my husband, and this is the thanks I get?

It's going to take a very long time and a LOT of work on his part to get anywhere close to where we were before this happened.

I can see why things like this could destroy a marriage. Losing trust changes the whole relationship.

Thank you all for your advice and support. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have people who know what I'm going through to talk to :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 7:45pm

Wow...how incredibly selfish he's being! He's just not willing to take responsibility for the repercussions and consequences of his actions, is he? "Sorry" doesn't cut it--ACTIONS are what matter here and he's coming up woefully short.

Anything less than 110% cooperation with what YOU need to rebuild trust is unacceptable IMO. He's lost his rights to have any say in how this plays out and unless and until he SHOWS his remorse with the actions you need from him, you won't be able to rebuild, at least not in any way that you could live with.

Are you getting counseling for yourself so you have support going through this? I hope so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 3:18pm

Thanks NorthWest - yeah, that's how it feels right now. Like he's SAYING everything right, but as far as actions go, he doesn't want to extend himself.

He says that he doesn't go out alone now, he's cut off the friendship with the toxic single girl, and he's not going on a trip because he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable.

But the funny thing about all those things are that he doesn't go out alone anyway, he has still been emailing toxic single girl, and he told me that he's not going on the trip because he doesn't want to take time away from his son (we have him on weekends).

I'm in therapy for myself, and have been for a while now. Ever since alarms have been going off in my head that something's not quite right (about a year). Ever since his friend's gf was groping him in public and he didn't tell me about it.

He SAYS that he's afraid that if he calls these people on their bad behavior he's not going to have any friends left. He implies that because I'm less social than he is that I don't want him to have friends, and I'm trying to get rid of every friend he has.

It's an easy excuse for him to not have to confront people on their bad behavior. So I end up doing it, and then I look like the b*tch wife that hates everyone.

And he's so stubborn he won't see how selfish he's being. For a long time I thought there was something I could do help him. I even paid for and set up a trip for him to go to LA with a buddy, and they went to a porn convention (which I knew about, and was fine with) and because I thought I could trust him, I was glad he was having fun.

He doesn't realize what he's given up by killing the golden goose.

I was even open to inviting other people into our bedroom! The girl he said he was making out with at parties was someone we'd had a couple of threesomes with. I even TOLD HIM before we did it that I was hesitant because it might cause problems LATER. That it might be opening a Pandora's Box and he said "oh come on, don't be melodramatic."

All because nothing's ever good enough for him. And now I have to suffer because he can't be trusted. It's SO. UNFAIR.

Edited 6/10/2007 3:24 pm ET by enjolita




Edited 6/10/2007 8:28 pm ET by enjolita
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 3:28pm

Oh and also I am SO SICK of hearing this excuse for bad behavior: "She was really drunk. You've done things when YOU have been drunk, so you should understand."

I have NEVER groped, kissed, or made out with a friend's significant other when I've been drunk. That excuse is BULL.

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