Found porn on his computer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Found porn on his computer
4
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 5:28pm

I've been w/my BF for about a year, and we've had our ups and downs. What shocked me this morning was that I found several clips of porn on his laptop. I confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry, and that he had downloaded it a while back when he had been single for a long time and horny. I asked him when the last time was that he watched it, and he said about last month, and beacuse we're in a LDR and sometimes when he's alone he get horny. He said that also sometimes he dosen't get the vibe that I'm interested in him sexually, which i absolutely don't know where he's coming from with that.


What am I supposed to make of all of this? Is this something normal that all men engage in? Am I supposed to be ok with it? Is it a deal breaker? Beacuse I feel very insulted and dirty being with a guy who watches this crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 7:07pm

Firstly i am a man so if i can give a real - honest male view on this i will.

Presently I am single and have access to the internet but have no porn on my mac at all - i also do not have any wish to have porn - however we as men are shown images of a sexual nature from music videos, magazines (FHM, Nuts, Mens Health in addition to tabloid newspapers and it is seen as totally natural.) In england many women wander wearing at time very little during the never mind in clubs and pubs. I also am friends purely platonic with women who have porn and some who have vibrators also. As a nearly 40 year old male who has lived a varied and event filled life, i think this is a very careful area to discuss.

There are some who will be disgusted and others who may say it is natural, I would say where do we draw the line , I am not defending him, I had a 3 year relationship which for the first year was long distance, I went to my gym and there a number of women who wore very little and were closer in distance than any lap dancer or stripper and some of my friends would say that I should not have been in those classes (body - pump - balance - combat and attack) because of how the women dressed. Yet I was not being seedy or disgusting and the fitness staff knew that, no women complained, yet found I rather would be i there than go to a strip bar with my male friends.

I was horrified when I discovered that my female friends had porn which they watched with their vibrators, maybe it was my foolishness, or naive nature, but it didnt change whom they were, or my feelings about them.

Perhaps society is to blame about how we confront our sexual nature, if I may digress which I have already - chimpanzes masturbate for pleasure yet they do not have porn. We are sexual individuals and the need for reproduction and pleasure is one of the main drivers in our lives, so porn and and self pleasure play a huge role.

If it is acceptable to have phone sex or near sexual music videos and I will not even bring in the nudity and overtly sexual nature of many recent films and tv (Sex in the City, Desparate Housewives, Hostel, Road Trip Harold & Kumar, Angus Thongs, Pride & Prejudice (the latter is stretching it and I apologise) porn is part of the human lifestyle both male and female.

If I was part of a relationship then I would have no porn, I have even been partner to a woman who wanted to watch porn and see what it was like as the thought turned her on, however I found it was not my scene. As a single male I accept the use of porn for masturbation but I choose not to.

Perhaps the best solution is for you both to deciide how you feel about it.

I am or rather was happy to use the sex toys a previous partner had and I knew why she had them, it took a while to adjust and then get rid of them (to which I felt better), but she did use them. Society is changing very quickly from what i recall - overtly sexual imagery and behaviour is seen as the norm not the abnormal.

In Britain we have Ann Summers shops on our high streets and shopping malls selling sexual clothing, toys, tools and porn just like book and clothes stores. Several years ago they were seedy mail order catalogues only. In some cities lap dance and strip joints sit next door to banks and fast food outlets.

If you dont like porn, then he should stop altogether and respect you wishes if he wants to make that comprise but then can you trust him enough to believe him. I refute his comment on your sex life, if you love someone truly then how and when it happens is more important then when. I recall and can say this with great strength talking to my long distance girlfriend was a great thing for me, because we built up our relationship so when we did meet whatever we did was fantastic -even if sex was not involved.

Porn is part our life, perhaps us men do use the more blatant and obscene or unromantic methods but then for women what are more explicit romance/erotic novels and programmes such as Sex in the City.

As i said I do not advocate his behaviour at all.

As evidence of my guilt - Rock videos - Heart, Aerosmith, Whitesnake, virtually most current rap and R&B, and attending gym classes where apart from the class instructor I am the only male.

As proof of my innocence or defence - female friends that use and have porn, plus previous girlfriends.

Perhaps what is more important is how you feel about porn and whether you want a boyfriend or partner who is comfortable with it.

I hope my reply does not have too many holes in it and will answer any comments to it as best as possible. I know this is nowhere near the same but some women could find my videogaming difficult to comprehend as a grown man !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 7:37pm

Welcome to the board blaire08,


Sounds to me that you two have very different morals, values, standards and expectations in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 9:19pm

Confront is such an ugly word (that conveys "i am right and you are wrong", you don't own him, if it bothers you then you communicate that with him and see what his view is and see if you can come to a compromise.

<> Well that depends on what you believe is appropriate and what is not. It is something he likes and something you don't.

<< Is this something normal that all men engage in?>> Depends on your definition of normal. For some it is normal others it is not. Plenty of people look at porn male or female. It has nothing to do with the person they are involved with. They don't compare you to the ones in the films, it has nothing to do with you as a person or partner. It is a visual stimulant, fantasy.

<< Am I supposed to be ok with it?>> Again this depends on your own feelings on the issue.

<> That is something you need to decide for yourself... For me it wouldn't be a deal breaker ( I have and do watch it sometimes).... unless they were addicted to it, then that wouldn't fly.

<< Beacuse I feel very insulted and dirty being with a guy who watches this crap.>> I don't understand why it should make you feel dirty or insulted, because it has nothing to do with you actually. He likes porn, you don't. You have a right to feel the way you do about it but he has the right to think it is ok to watch, doesn't mean he is wrong and you are right it just means you think differently about it. You need to decide if it is a deal breaker or not for you, if it is you know what you need to do, get out of the relationship. If it is something you can talk about and come to a compromise on then you compromise. You can't demand that he stop looking at it and IMO you don't have the right to do that. If it is something you can't accept then stop seeing him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 11:06am

You say you have ups and downs. Is this really a big issue?? What other problems do you have?


I don't think the porn should be a big issue unless you two are physically together and he chooses it instead of you. IMO, guys like porn and you shouldn't make an issue of it.