Found porn on my husbands Ipad? Am I Crazy for being hurt?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Found porn on my husbands Ipad? Am I Crazy for being hurt?
6
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 1:26am

I woke up last night to my son crying for chocolate milk. As always I laid there for a little while seeing if Jake was going to get it. But we always argue about who got it last, who gets it more, etc etc. Can we be anymore pathetic.

I had to use the bathroom and his ipad was downstairs so I grabbed his Ipad and went to the bathroom. I looked in his history, curious. I found porn. Raunchy – MILF porn.

I felt about the size of an ant. Why is my husband looking at porn? Already self conscience about our sex life. Already self conscience because I know he doesn’t want to be with me – then I find several pages of porn.

The next morning I ask him about it – he has his Iphone in his hand and he was texting his friend Will about a golf game he was playing the next day. I had to ask him – well tell him several times to get off the phone and look at me. He looked at me for a split second. He told me that he didnt remember the porn. Every question I asked him about it he said I dont know. He was diminishing how I felt – and making me feel like I wanted to crawl inside a hole and suffocate.

My son was upstairs in the bath so I went downstairs to talk about it. I told Jake that it was a sin and he said ‘oh are you a great Christian, you dont sin.’ I told him that I didn’t understand why he was watching porn when he has a wife he can have sex with and he goes ‘oh yeah when is the last time we’ve had sex’ and I said three weeks ago because I had a DNC three weeks ago and the surgeon said no intercourse till my follow on Monday. This argument and me being upset about porn – he said F U to me about 6x and I told him to stop and he kept saying it. He then tried to bring up me flirting with other guys which is so ridiculous. We have this mutual friend Tommy Shaw – who when Jake and I were semi serious – one time Tommy & I sent text messages flirting. Tommy has been in a relationship for over three years and I was with Jake. Jake and I werent even living together and barely talking serious. Jake said that porn was better flirting. He then brought up a fling of mine from  2005 – so seven years ago – who is a good friend of mine – who text me this past spring and that I havent heard from since May of 2012 – its not September. I get s frustrated when he does this. When he does something wrong he always brings up what someone else has done wrong and or says that I never think I do anything wrong with isnt true. I have no problem saying that flirting with Tommy is wrong. But that has nothing to do with what the issue is here and now. It makes me feel suffocated and not able to breathe. I really dont know what to do. If I wasnt a mother – I know I would do something drastic. I just dont know how to fix my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

mdm, perhaps in a good marriage the porn would be an awful shock. 

But in this case, the porn must be looked at in context of this awful marriage.    According to your other post, you're not happy with him and he openly says that he doesn't want to be with you anymore.   He only stays because you beg him not to leave.  You are both mean to each other.   You don't appear respect him...and I'm sure he's well aware of this.  Not to mention that you snoop in his computer.   With this as background, do you REALLY expect him to want sex with you?   

Thing is, if physical intimacy is to be ongoing in a marriage, it requires requires emotional intimacy as it's base.   And this is something the two of you don't have.     What you have with him is neither loving or harmonious, so it stands to reason that he won't seek sex with you.

I can only echo what I wrote in my previous post.   You've married a man who doesn't make you happy (and you don't make him happy) and the current mess is the natural consequence.   Time for divorce or anulment.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

There is more to this than just the porn.  The problem stems from your decisions.  Jake is coming along quite well and making the decisions in his time that indicate a goal for success.  But it seems that your passive aggressive personality is getting in the way.

  Jake has enough balls to tell you no.  That is a big point in his favor.  Your drive for the house is not as reasonable as it seems.  There are many things that need to be cleared up.  First the relationship need to be renegotiated.  What ever you have wanted for the most part he has done. He is young.  You are young. 

  Is this to be a marriage of convenience or a marriage that encompasses the full range of emotional/sexual/business?  How do you see your career in the next five years?  Are you and Jake investing for your retirement?  As the market has proved a house is not a solid investment.  Nothing is.  The financial world of today is very different.  

 His wanting to have fun that you do not approve of is normal.  Each needs outlets that they individually enjoy.  Only you can decide of what type of relationship or not to have from your point of view.  When he tells you that you are no fun anymore then you do have a problem.  You can choose to reconnect or not. 

IMO you seem to have hidden ambition.  Somehow pushing Jake into career before he is ready highlights that there is another agenda working here.  What is it?  What do you see as the ideal life?  You used the word "grown up" what does that mean?  What is "grown up " to you?  What are your career aspirations?

 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I would start off (if I hadn't read your other post first) wondering really what the problem is with porn?  Personally I don't have a problem with it if it'snot violent--back in the days before computers, my ex would buy the occasional Playboy.  It didn't offend me or make me think there was anything wrong with me.  But I really have to wonder why when you are getting up in the middle of the night & have to go to the bathroom, your first inclinatoin would be to check the history on his IPad--do you always do this? 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Ugh, with a courtship, engagement , and marriage like that, there must be a whole lot more of that type of browser history, unless he erased it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

Honestly, I just cannot understand how, in this day and age, any woman, married or not, is so completely shocked by the discovery that her SO watches porn. Your personal relationship with him aside, if this wasn't the computer age do you think your husband would be the one guy in the world who never bought a Playboy Magazine? And with images of naked women so readily available now on the internet, what woman in her right mind thinks she's with the one guy in the universe who doesn't want to see that? Even if you were Pam Anderson, Angelina Jolie, fill in the blank, he would still want to see other naked women. It's how they're wired, dear and living in denial about it is what leads to your sleepless nights and soul sickness. His little love affair with pornography is not a reflection on you.