fractured mind w/ child needing help
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 5:42pm |
Dear Dr. Shoshanna,
I have a lot of questions about my relationship particularly, about my BF's various demeaning behaviors. I'm only 20 (soon), he's my first, have a 2-month-old daughter w/ him, and I'm in the verge of depression. Here's my list of questions dat I was having in my head since we moved to Montréal, CAN from Van., Can.:
1. How can I make him listen whenever I start w/ an issue, & when he does, he justifies it w/ something completely senseless? Like his marijuana addiction: he never did smoke at the start of our relationship then, when we moved here from Van., Can., he just started (I was pregnant w/ our daughter back then). She was an accident, I admit, but I believe dat he made it worse just by smoking. He promised to stop smoking when she comes out to dis world but he didn't.
2. How can I make him stop inviting frends over every weekend or just come home with a frend or two behind him? whether it's bussiness or just for some company?
3. What shuld I do when he leaves a trail of mess often & I have to clean it up for him because no matter how many times I've asked him to, he'll just forget or not going to do them?
4. How to say 'no'-correctly- when he's in the mood for sex and I'm not? (I'm just seriously uncomfortable DOWN THERE dat I hav to ask a gynecologist about it)(By the way he doesn't do foreplay especially when he's really horny dat he just wants to stick it in)
5. How to deal w/ the DISCOURAGING partner dat he is everytime dat I have an idea or two? (A VERY DISCOURAGING PARTNER!)

Welcome to the board geanni,
I know that you have a child together, but this doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship or a very good environment to raise your daugther in. Do you really want your another around drug use? Drugs are the biggest deal breaker for me. I grew up with parents that used drugs. Not a good environment to grow up in.
Also, if you don't want to have sex you should just be able to tell him sorry you are not in the mood. You shouldn't need to explain yourself or say anything else. He should be excepting of this.
It sounds like he is immature and not ready for a real grown up relationship. I think you need to do some serious thinking about things because you can't change him. He is only going to change if he wants too.
glitter-graphics.com
The word is "that"
Just because your boyfriend impregnated you does not make him a real father. All of your questions ask how to make him act a certain way, when the real answer is that nothing you do can make another human being change. Do you feel as though you and your daughter are top priority to him and that he would do absolutely anything for you? Does he make you feel safe and wanted? Does he admit that he has a problem and is he willing to do something about it?
I agree that this is not a healthy environment in which to raise a child and you should be putting your daughter's well-being above the relationship you have with her father.
A person worth keeping around is someone who makes you feel that you're a wonderful person and respects you even if he disagrees with you. I'm sorry but I don't think the answer lies in trying to change him, it lies in a change in your perspective wherein you decide whether or not this man is truly good enough for you and your daughter.
It sounds as though you are in a psychologically and verbally abusive relationship. YOU are worth more than to be disrespected in the ways that you are being disrespected!
YOU can not MAKE him change. He is the one who has to decide that he wants to change. Right now, he has no motive to do so. You are staying with him. You are putting up with the way he treats you. You are convinced that his problems are because of something you are doing. It's all working for him.
The answer to all your questions is to move out. Find out who you are. Get into some individual counseling to keep from getting into another relationship like this one. Since you are in Vancouver, I can actually send you a list of places you can go that charge of a sliding fee scale based on what you make. Take care of YOU!