$ freedom or potential relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
$ freedom or potential relationship?
6
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 12:36pm
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months. I realize we're in the honeymoon phase still but he's definately someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. We have the same long term goals, outlooks on life and get on very well in nearly every way. We both have trust issues from our sepearte past histories which have colored our relationship, this is our biggest obstacle. We're both in the military and I will be getting out in the next five months.
I have a lot of college debt and credit card debt that I've accrued over the last 10 years and it's something that really stresses me out. I've been offered a job in Iraq, the contract would last a year and at its conclusion I would have made enough money to pay off all my debt and have enought left over to do anything I could possibly want to do. I want to continue this relationship with my boyfriend and he assures me that if I were to go over, while it would be difficult he wouldn't leave me.
I believe him but he ends up making comments to indicate that he doesn't trust me and pretty much expects me to cheat on him during that year in which case he would leave. I have absolutely no intention of doing this and while I realize that a year is a long time I know my feelings for him would prevent me from doing anything that could jepardize our relationship. But on the other side, I know HIS history and wonder if he wouldn't be cheating on me. My problem is that I want to be financially secure and debt free, the fastest way to do that would be to go to Iraq. But on the other hand I don't want to loose this relationship. I want both things.
Am I jepardizing my relationship and my chances by going? Is it unrealistic to expect to be able to come back after a year and be okay? I'm beginning to think that I would take the money first, I don't want to regret not having gone if for some reason he and I don't work out in the end. Are my priorities in the wrong place by going to Iraq?
I know this seems like a strange question but any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:19pm

Welcome to the board gal_angela77,


I think going to Iraq would be the best thing for you and your future. Your priorities are in the right place.


If the relationship is meant to be it will survive this.


Good luck.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 3:10am

Let's put the relationship to one side for a second.

If you take the contract in Iraq, will you be in a safe environment? I don't know what it's like out there except for what I see in the news. I know you want to get out of debt quickly, but do you think you could find a similar financial opportunity back home? Is the money really worth all the risk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:51am
Since it is not an established relationship, I woudn't make it my priority. The debt from college and credit cards can and will follow you for the rest of your life. The job offer can help in your security. I think that's where your priority should be. If you have an unstable future, how can you make it work with him. Besides, his actions in your time away would show you if he's husband material or not.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:14am

This is not a strange question, it's an important one. When two people find one another and feel that the relationship is good and right, then it's important to solidify that, to bond, to spend time together, to plant deep roots like a tree. If you go to Iraq for a year now, this would certainly disrupt the bond you are forming. Some relationships could withstand that, but many could not. If he is saying that he believes you will cheat on him, and that he would then leave you this is not good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:35am
I have to disagree with Dr. Shoshanna big time. Relationships come and go, even when we think we're in them for the long haul, so if you don't take the job, you will still have the debt and he could leave you anyway (financial stress is a major component of many break-ups). If you take the job and he leaves, especially if he leaves because he thinks you're cheating, then you have lost a suspicious, insecure man, but your debts are paid and you have money to anything you could possibly want to do. That sounds pretty good to me--could I come with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:42pm
Thank you for your reply. Yes, please do come with me! I completely agree with you. The more time I've had to sit and think about it the more I realize that it's just as you say. If he leaves for his fear of me cheating I'll have lost an insecure, self-doubting man and in return I'll have all my debt paid and a secure base to start anything I want to do. Thanks again.