The Friend-Not Friend- Friend Situation
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| Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:49pm |
About a year and a half ago I came out of a serious relationship and met someone soon after. He was a great man, we had an instant connection, and began dating immediately. The problem was, I didn't give myself enough time to recover from the first relationship, and after two months, the new guy and I parted ways because I just wasn't ready and we were constantly fighting.
A few months later we became close friends. For a year we talked over the phone several times a week (I moved to Los Angeles, he remained in San Francisco) and saw each other practically once a month in a friendship capacity.
Over New Year's, something changed. We spent a week together and it was wonderful. Not that sort of lusty, ridiculous sex type of week, but a comfortable, romantic, peaceful time together that felt unreal but absolutely right. We talked about it at the end of the week and agreed to maintain our friendship but "see what would happen" as far as anything further.
Over the past five weeks, we have maintained talking as always and I will be seeing him the next two weekends. Problem is, the past few days, he has been more than obvious about the fact that he suddenly sees us only as friends. He sounds very confused, yet he makes these assertions which I feel like I have no choice but to believe.
I am irritated, there is a ridiculous connection here... yet now I am supposed to show up tomorrow and act like there's nothing but a friendship? How's a girl to handle this?
Thanks for listening.

Friends want the best for each other as they each determine it to be for themselves, and they're supportive or critical depending on that person's goals and what they're doing at the time. Friends can agree to disagree on issues of what is vitally important in romantic relationships, and still remain friends becuase it doesn't impact your future or potential. Romantic relationships don't have that luxury.
You were "just friends" for this entire time. Based on a "feeling" inspired by a situation (feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action) you two both wanted a romantic, peaceful, sexually oriented weekend. And you had it. You didn't discuss whether each of you as individuals were desirous of a relationship - not with one another, but ready for the effort, work, sacrifice, and commitment of dating to see ifa relationship was possible - if both of you wanted a relationship, it has nothing to do with "one another". It has to do with personal values and desires and timing.
So you had this "great, cozy, sexually involved" weekend....and his attitude was "let's see where this goes."
Now honestly.....if he had been thinking of dating you and forming a relationship - he wouldn't have pursued "sex". He'd have said that he would like to change the dynamic of the relationship -w ould you like that as well, and then you two would have gotten to know one another on the deeper level of romantic interests where it is imperative to share values, goals, standards, and priorities if there is to be trust, harmony, and assurance in the relationship as an entity.
I think both of you were "looking for partnership" for a weekend. Maybe at this time in your life you're ready to start dating, to find a partner, to get into a relationship of give and take, equality based, mutually beneficial.
But he's not...he made that clear by NOT pursuing dating over sex, and with the "let's see where this goes".
It's always up to you to take responsibility for your actions. I think that you believed becuase at one time he had wanted to date you - that he always still would. But you really didn't give that dating situation a chance, becuase of the timing in YOUR life, and so you really do not know what dating him would have been like. It's quite possible if you had dated, with you in that emotional position, you'd have never formed a friendship. And please make sure that you didn't maintain this friendship because you believed and know that he found you attrctive, and you liked that aspect of this - more than anything else.
But I don't think he wants a relationship, he probably does want to retain the friendship. He can't "undo" the fact that you had this romantic weekend where becuase you've been friends - there is this assumption and illusion of "emotional involvement and investment" in a romantic capacity.
If you two are really friends, you'll honestly sit down and talk. If his life and his timing right now aren't into dating to find a mate and your timing and desire has you wanted that - you can remain friends. Discuss it honestly, it means it's timefor you to get on with dating to find a partner...and it's time for him to date around and have great "in the moment" conversation, companionship, sex, fun, and shared interests - while he gets his life together on a personal level. You two can easily remain friends while all this is in play - and if you one or both of you finds a matefor a lifetime - the friend will be delighted, and make a toast and dance a jig at your wedding.
I don't recommend falling into the pattern of "I'm desiring closeness, security, and compaionship - so let's have sex and be FWB" - only to fall out of that when one of you finds someone that really turns you on....only to have that dating liason fail, and you back to FWB. That destructive.
Once "the benefits" are out of the picture, reinstating them is not a good idea. A few FWB situations do turn into marriage...but it's generally NOT the kind you want. Those situations are where the people involved don't really want a relationship, they're physically exclusive, they share some interests, they do this FWB thing for years because it's easy, comfortable, convenient, and beneficial for them as individuals, based on their individual goals and needs. They wake up at say 45...and realize the market for dating single, attractive, desirable people is limited...they look at one another going "oh well, we've spent 5 years getting it on and doing our own thing in between - let's just keep doing that but with a license and a couple of gold wedding rings for a tax write off and for our retirement options to be increased."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com