Friend that Won't go Away

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Friend that Won't go Away
5
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:57pm
I am about to get married to my long term boyfriend in one month. we live together and he has this friend who always comes over to our house and stays for long hours into the night. My boyfriend can't seem to turn him away as much as I put my foot down. I am finally in my most stressful state of mind with all the wedding planning, etc. so the more I act stressed out, it gives him a reason to keep his friend around. His friend doees not even get a clue that we are having problems because of him and keeps coming around. I don't know what to do. Does anyone else seem to have a significant others' friend like this? I am at a loss and am totally sick to my stomach because of this and my fiance does not understand and uses my frustration against me. any one have any ideas.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:01pm
'His friend doees not even get a clue that we are having problems because of him '

And he is not going to get a clue if you don't give him one. Don't expect him to read your mind especially when your boyfriend is probably asking him to come over. Your boyfriend needs to talk to him about what is happening.

Is this what your married life is going to be like too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:04pm
That is exactly what I am wondering. My fiance knows it bothers me to no end, but I feel like he is hiding behind his friend while I go through the stresses of planning a wedding. He usually respects my wishes, but with this one guy in particular, he just doesn't get it. I don't know how else to communicate to him how much it bothers me because I have already. The only thing I can think of is to confront the friend myself, but I don't want to be the bad guy. She I just grow the balls and do it in frong of my fiance so he knows how strongly I feel about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:13pm
Oh honey. I feel for you. Mine is not an issue with a friend with but with a brother!!!! My now ex used to let his older brother live with him before we met. Once we started living together, his brother would come to town EVERY weekend without calling ahead, without asking, nothing. Friday afternoon he would show up and would not leave until Sunday. He of course would have no money but was in town to hit the bars. My ex being the "bigger" younger brother felt he needed to HELP his brother. This went on for over a year. I talked to friends about this situation, I talked to my ex about this situation. I would come home on Fridays PISSED OFF and stay mad all weekend, yelling and screaming at everyone thinking my ex would get tired of it and that his brother certianly would. NEVER HAPPENED. I finally talked to my ex's brother in law about the situation and he told me that i needed to be the one to say something directly to the brother. well, for fear of causing a huge fight and making things unbearable for mouthing off at his brother, i refused for awhile and rode it out. His brother has such poor hygiene and almost never bathes that my home started smelling and my furniture where he slept. The smell permeated the walls and thats when i had enough. I'm sure i didn't handle it the way i should have but i got so fed up when i woke up in the middle of the night, came downstairs to find him laying in his underwear with food all around him and my puppy having a field day with all the food. the site of him in his skivvies ruined me for life i think and that was it. The next morning, i woke him up at 6 am after him being out til 3 am partying (hehe) and i told him the get up, get dressed and get his nasty stinky ass out of my house and that if he ever wants to come back, he better call and ask ME personally and if he shows up without permission, I'm calling the cops and telling them there is an intruder. Luckily for me, my ex and i were already split up at the time so it didnt cause any more problems. But his brother has not shown up again and has not called my ex since and that was 2 weeks ago. I have been fumigating my house every since.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 3:57am
I know exactly how you field. My husband has a friend who comes over so often. I see him more than I see my own mom! He has his own towel, toothbrush/toothpaste in the cupboard, his snacks in the pantry, and his own food in our freezer! And before we got a futon, he would ask us when we were going to get a futon for him! i tell my husband I can't deal with him coming so often but my husband does not agree with me. I think the problem was that I was too agreeable in the begin. So I suggest you discuss this before it gets out of control . I am so miserable every time my husband's friend comes over. The sight and though of his friend drives me up the wall! Good luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 11:19am
I don't think embarrassing your fiance in front of his friend is the solution...at least not if you want your marriage to start off on the right foot!

I would have a discussion with your fiance in which you calmly state the problem and ask for his help in reaching a compromise that works for both of you. Let him know that you don't mind his friend being there SOME of the time, but that the two of you need to set some limits.

It makes me a little nervous for you that you can't resolve a relatively small issue like this...have the two of you gone to premarital counseling?

Sheri