Friends with ex, boyfriend jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Friends with ex, boyfriend jealous
6
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 3:45pm
I have a good friend who I once dated, 11 years ago. I was young, felt we had potential as friends but not romantically and wanted to have more experiences so I broke it off. We always enjoyed each others company and had lots in common and he's been one of my few good friends. Since then I've had 3 long term relationships, 2 of which accepted the fact that I liked to hang out with my ex once in a while (4-5 times a year). The 3rd relationship is my current one. This person is basically the most committed and loving person I have ever been with. He was getting ready to pop the question last summer, but I shot him down without realizing it, because I was dealing with committment issues. Since then I have dealt with that, but that episode and the fact that I have an ex as a good friend has really set him back. I have tried to reassure him in every way I can (verbally, cutting back contact with my ex, showing more affection, etc.), but I think major damage has been done to his ego and his ability to trust my desire to be with him. I am 34 and ready to commit to him (finally), but he can't seem to shake the question as to why I need to maintain a friendship with my ex. He's met him and thought he seemed like a nice guy and I've told him I have no interest in my ex beyond friendship. Besides my ex is in an 8 year relationship with a girl who he is currently trying for kids with and they are planning on getting married in the next 2 years. He's been going through some serious depression over this and negative thoughts have plagued him over his ability to handle this in the long run. He is completely in love with me and I know he doesn't want to let our relationship go. What do I do hear? I don't want to lose this guy over this. Life is too short!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 6:37pm
These visits with the ex, do you include your current bf or exclude him? Do you tell him about the plans you've made with the ex before or after they happen?

Have you asked your bf what you can do to make him feel more comfortable with the relationship with your ex?

My bf has a female friend (one I happen to dislike, others I'm totally ok with) but they have been friend for a very long time. We made an agreement - he will see her for lunch but not for dinner and he will tell me about plans they make before the plans happen. My bf has also told me that he understand why I feel the way I feel about her and if the roles were reversed he's not sure he could deal with a male being my close friend, even if not an ex.

Your bf needs to know that your relationship with him means more to you than your friendship with your ex.

Yet, even with all that said, maybe you two should consider pre-martial counseling together.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 1:43pm
Thanks for your inciteful response. To answer your questions, I have included him once in a dinner out, which included my ex's girlfriend and another mutual friend of ours. This was so they could meet and I hoped that this would also aleviate the concern once my bf met them and saw how we all got along. Since then I have been out once with him and the mutual friend and once again just the two of us. Needless to say that last meeting got to my bf because he viewed it like it was a date and that i was going out on the "arm of another man". He would of preferred I included the mutual friend.

My ex has made mention he would like to get together again (his girlfriend, my bf), but I'm hesitant to suggest this now. I have put off any future plans to see my ex in order to give my bf more time to digest this friendship. I have been seeing a counsellor recently, who has suggested I bring my bf with me at a future session. She also suggest I ask him what I can do to make him feel more reassured, which I know I've asked him, but he just tells me he wants me to focus on being more communicative and emotionally connected to him. I've been doing this, but this issue is still plaguing him.

My counsellor says its an insecurity issue that he needs to deal with, but that I also have to ask myself why I feel the need to have my ex in my life? Am I benefiting from his friendship? I think I am, because I always feel happy after our meeting and very connected with myself. He brings out alot of positive, creative energy in me. We met in art school as friends, travelled Europe together and are both very positive and easy going people. I'm just not attracted to him physically anymore and view him entirely as an interesting and fun friend. How does someone find a balance between these two?? I don't want to lose either of them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 1:59pm
Personally, going alone is like a *date* to me too. Have you read 10 Stupid Things Couples do to mess up their relationship, by Dr Laura.

Being include is really important. If you feel you get this much out of your ex, I think you boyfriend wants to fill that role.....or maybe you need to get that "filled up" feeling from someone else or some other creative activity?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 7:51pm
Where do I find this?

10 Stupid Things Couples do to mess up their relationship, by Dr Laura.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 1:43pm
Not sure if the Library carries it, but any bookstore, or online from amazon.com new or used, same with ebay.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:29pm
Thanks for the book suggestion. Sounds interesting!

I did manage to speak with my bf about the situation and we came to an agreement. I would make sure that he was involved or at least a group of people were involved and my ex and I would not go out alone. I also would fill him in on any plans before they were made. He has agreed to this and seems more willing to accept the friendship with these rules in place. I just have to now find a way to eventually feel comfortable talking about my ex around my bf. We've been through so much over the last year and half, mostly due to my past relationships (the ex I've discussed being a minor issue if you can believe it!). I group my ex (I don't even think of him like that...it's more like "friend") with my close friends and family because, like them, he's always been such a positive and supportive person in my life throughout all my crazy relationships (never saying a bad word), all my career decisions and creative projects. I can't imagine him not being there! If I think about it, I've known him for half my life! He's never done anything but encourage me in whatever direction I chose to go.

There are many times when I wish my bf would have the easygoing, unconditional nature that my "ex" has, but at the same time my bf has other attributes such as he knows to apologize if he's wrong and he many times has shown up with flowers for no other reason than he loves me. He infuriates me and frustrates me one minute and then the next makes my heart melt with the things he does and the way he shows his vulnerability or boyishness. One moment I'm asking can I deal with this guy and then next I'm dreaming of our future together. What is that all about??