Friends or Lovers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Friends or Lovers?
2
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 6:25pm
My SO & I have been dating for 2 1/2 yrs. We are both divorced with children. His divorce was really nasty, mine was not. Our children are around the same ages.

We began our relationship slowly. Dated about 2 mos before anything physical started. About 6 mos into the relationship, I noticed that I wasn't a high priority with him. And this has been a constant throughout. I asked him what he wanted from the relationship & he replied a friend. I asked him to be more concise - he wavered. But we would do family things together, holidays, birthdays, weekends, nights out alone, his family, my family get togethers. Through all of this, I came to feel more than just a friend. I have felt all along that we were meant for each other. When we are together, we have a great time. But the problem is that we have very little time together. His boys are involved in sports - HEAVILY. His work keeps him busy. Sometimes the only time we talk during the day is at lunch (when he can) or a phone call before bed (when he hasn't already fallen asleep). I have asked to be able to spend more time together, but he is too busy. I get competely mixed messages from him.

Recently it came up again on where the relationship was going - he's selling his house & looking for a new place & asked me to go look at places with him.

His answer was that he liked being with me but he was not going to go through another nasty divorce, our children don't have anything in common. If we'd met 20 yrs ago, yes we would marry. I'm the only one for him. The kids won't always be around, so maybe someday.

Have I been a complete fool & need "WELCOME" written across my forehead????? \

We haven't spoken for 4 days since our last conversation about this.

I just need some backup on this - should I be the friend he wants,strictly platonic, or should we continue in the same way & be patient waiting for our time together?

Thanks,

Katydid003

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:22pm
He's telling you what to expect, you either accept things the way they are right now (with no hope for chance) or you move on. He's only telling you maybe, someday, we'll see because he wants things to remain exactly as they are.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 1:02pm
Neither. If you want a serious LTR with the potential of marriage, this guy isn't right for you. And it's pretty much impossible to go right from being romantically involved to being friends, so you'll need to take some time apart and get over your romantic feelings for him before you can be friends.

I really don't think you've gotten mixed messages from him; it sounds like he's made it clear throughout the relationship that he was looking for companionship but not interested in making you a top priority or in committing to anything serious. His spending holidays, etc. with you is not inconsistent with that.

Sheri