Friendship or Relationship
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| Thu, 08-30-2007 - 4:08pm |
A couple of months ago I met a man through mutual friends. At his request our mutual friend gave me his number. She told me that he was a good guy, liked by children and puppies, respectful, responsible, employed, home owner…all the stuff that a single girl puts on the list of “things I want in a man”. I was also told that he was in the process of getting divorced. He was truly heart broken over his wife leaving him and had spent a year trying to reconcile. My response was to loose his number.
Eventually he got my number and after a few phone calls he asked me to meet him for a drink. The following week we got together again and things seemed to be progressing. Although no one was passing out any good night kisses, the phone calls were now coming in daily. We went out several more times, shared our personal stories – even the dark yucky stuff and I started to feel an attraction. One night after a very late movie at his place he asked me to stay over. I agreed - but with a very clear no sex stipulation. We slept in the same bed and he was a complete gentleman.
A week later he announced that he felt emotionally empty and didn’t know if he would ever be able to date again. In my head I thought – “What the hell do you think that we have been doing for the last month?” But out loud I said – “You have been through a lot and feeling that way is understandable, it just takes as long as it takes to get over it.” We talked for a long time that night and he ended up sleeping over – again no sex. The next week he seemed very depressed. I asked if he was still in love with his wife.
The answer: Yes.
In my head the lights and sirens were screaming. He is not ready, not interested, not dating you. RUN! RUN! RUN! So I down shifted my feelings, put him in the friend drawer and moved on. A week later he invited me to dinner. He cooked, served wine, lit candles and declared himself ready for a realtionship. In my opinion one week does not a changed man make and so after dinner when the moment came and a kiss was eminent – I pulled back and it didn’t happen. We still spent the night together this time with only a little spooning and week later he was back to being emotionally empty. I wanted to feel like I had dodged a bullet; but what I did feel was disappointed that things hadn’t moved on to a relationship type place. I spent time redirecting my feelings back to “just friends” and trying not to want it to be more. We still talked often and hung out, he continued to waver back and forth between wanting to be able to be in love again and feeling emotionally broken – all of which he would share with me unsolicited. As the weeks went on we continue to follow the same pattern. We get together he tells me where he is emotionally and then we sleepover without kissing or sex. Three weeks ago he announced that he was finally content with his life the way it was. He didn’t want a relationship, but was not opposed to a little no-strings-attached sex. I responded by saying that he could probably pay someone for that if he wanted. I was getting the picture that he was trying to size up my interest in increasing our physical connection from bed buddies to f***buddies. I am not going for it, and I ignore the statements. I keep reminding myself that he just wants to be friends and try to not read anything into the fact that he feels like he should call and tell me when his work schedule changes, or wants to get my input on how to decorate his house. Last week he was out of town on business – I received a photo text of a picture perfect view with a line that read “wish you were here”. All of this from a man who doesn't want to be in a realationship.
It has been 4 months and while we have spent a dozen nights sleeping in the same bed, there has never been any physical contact other than cuddling. Not even good night kisses on the cheek.
Is there anyway to salvage this and take it to the real relationship place? Is he too damaged? Have I ruined any chance at getting him to pursue me by sharing a bed with him? Will he ever come around? Should I just run for the hills? Is he a lost cause?

He sounds like a great friend, but right now, he's a terrible person to date. He likes your companionship because it fills a void that his wife left, but he's not ready to get into anything even remotely serious with you.
If you don't want to cut him off completely then at least keep him at arms' length - stop the sleepovers. You're going to start to feel more strongly about him the closer you try to get and the more he pushes away. He's not "emotionally available" and to keep that in the back of your mind would be best.
Welcome to the board kitt__1,
You've already gotten good advice here.
Thanks for all of the good advice. It helps to get input from someone outside with no personal agenda. To answer your question he does go to counciling weekly and has been going since he and his ex-wife seperated a year ago. I know that he is trying to heal and is willing to work on himself. I guess I am just trying to figure out how to not end up being the girl that got him through it only to be left when he finds the girl that he want to be in love with. La sigh.
UPDATE:
Well things have come to a head - sort of. On Friday I feel into the same old pattern of getting together, having him tell me that he was really fine not being in a realtionship and then we headed off to bed. This time as I was driffting off to sleep he began to play with my hair, touch my ears, rub my arm. Finally I just said: "Stop it! You cannot tell me that you are not interested in being in a relationship and then touch me like this. I can't handle it." To which he responeded "What are we doing?" This spurred a conversation that I would have thought might bring everything to light and start us on the road to another stage in the relationship. Only it didn't. I told him that I couldn't be the "Friend with Benefits" and that I wanted to be the girl that "Gets to Matter". He basiclly said that he really loved the way we were when we were together, that he thought about me when we were apart and that he wanted more physiclly from me. He has been just as confused by our slumber party arrangment as I have and apparently has been having long conversations with his therapist about it. In the end we didn't get to any kind of resolution, I