frozen
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| Sat, 03-17-2007 - 12:51pm |
Please help! I am frozen not knowing which is the right way to turn.
I got divorced a year and a half ago. It was an eight year relationship with a narrcicist. I was cheated on, lied to and emotionally abused. Needless to say I have a bit of Post traumatic stress disorder as a result. I had pretty much given up on trusting people, especially men.
I met a guy at a party in July. He asked me out, and we have been dating ever since. I thought it was going to take dating several good guys to get back to a place I could trust someone. This guy single handedly restored my trust issues, or so I thought. We quickly got to know each other and within two months he was spending almost every night at my apartment. I have a dog, so it is pretty much necessary to stay at my place so the dog is where he should be to be walked by the dogwalker. We have been dating for eight months which I don't think would have been possible if he had not been so open with me. He tells me how much he loves me all the time. He is definately the pursuer in the relationship, which has allowed me to open up more than I ever have with any guy, even my ex-husband. We genuinely care about each other. Up until last weekend I have heard nothing but good things from him about our relationship. How happy he is, how we make a good team etc, how we are so lucky to be in susch a good place. He's talked about the future, where we we would live etc.
Last weekend, he spent the whole weekend with his friends. I did not join him, but I did not give him a hard time for being out all weekend either He came back saying he wished I had been there to meet his firends and they are all dying to meet me.
Monday morning while we were still waking up before work. He checked a text message while we were in bed. He is always texting with his friends, so that is not unusual. What made me feel weird about it is that he turned the phine away from me while he checked it. It instantly sent me into the past with my exhusband. It made me think he was hiding something. I tried to let it go, but later I had to ask him about why he did that. He said he's entitled to some privacy. I wonder, if privacy is so important, why would he bother checking his texts in bed?
We took a day break from each other and talked again. This time it got worse. He said things like "maybe you're not the person I thought you were" "You don't come out with my friends very often and I feel unfulfilled by that" "maybe the last eight months have been you on good behavior" "we've been in 3 fights since the beginning of the year and I think that's too much" "I need someone that's going to be with me, challenge me".
I really don't know what to do. He seems not to know the boundries on what you can and can't say in a fight. All the things he said the other night would indicate to me that he wants out of the relationship, but he says he doesn't want to stop dating. He is however going to spend a lot more time in his own apartment. That seems to me to be a relationship dying a slow death.
Now he is away for the weekend with a bunch of friends. We exchanged texts last night him wishing me a nice weekend and me wishing him a safe trip. This morning, I got a text saying "got here safely fyi" which seams very sarcastic.
I just don't know what to do. It sounds like he's begging for more attention. Which I would give him, if it were not for all the things he said the other night. I don't feel safe to go out on a limb for him right now with a grand gesture of love. Please Help!

Hi ja203 and welcome to the board.
::It sounds like he's begging for more attention.
I'm not sure I agree with that statement. Because the comments below:
::He said things like "maybe you're not the person I thought you were" "You don't come out with my friends very often and I feel unfulfilled by that" "maybe the last eight months have been you on good behavior" "we've been in 3 fights since the beginning of the year and I think that's too much" "I need someone that's going to be with me, challenge me".
This sounds more manipulative to me, to put you on the defense, to make you feel you need to bend over backwards to please him. And sounds like what you said "All the things he said the other night would indicate to me that he wants out of the relationship, but he says he doesn't want to stop dating."
::I just don't know what to do.
I have a question. Were you invited to go out with his friends?
Consider reading the book Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis, hopefully, it will help you sort through your emotions and lead you to the right answers.