Frustrated with boyfriends daughter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2013
Frustrated with boyfriends daughter!
5
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 2:26pm

This is my first time posting here...hopefully this won't be too long!  My boyfriend and his 4 year old daughter, whom he has full custody of lives with me and my 3 kids (19,15 and 4). We have been together for a year and a half. His daughter had a little bit of a rough couple first years before her dad got custody of her, but she is young and still impressionable. My issue is that she is so rude, snotty, disrespectful, a bully and a minipulator. She has her daddy, mom and grandma whipped! She has no manners and they are not instilled in her, so the frustrating part is that she gets away with everything, severl warnings, threats and then no follow thru...so she knows she can continue to do what she wants cause she will always get her way. I am not allowed to punish her, because that is his daughter and the most important person in his life. She talks back something terrible and he just ignores it. Example...I had made dinner and we were all sitting down to eat...she says to me, this is disgusting and I am not going to eat it...so I said, we'll I am sorry you don't like it, but that was not a very nice thing to say...her dad looks at me and says, I will handle this and then told her don't say that word again, no say your sorry, nothing. We'll she looked right at him and said in a very snotty tone, disgusting, disgusting...he popped her one in her mouth, she laughed and said it again...he then said...ok no snack tonight, but who didn't have to eat her dinner, got snack and nothing was done? His daughter is addicted to the tv as well...she has a tv and DVD player in her room and will just sit and stare at the tv...demands for her showas to be put on so she can just sit....but she has a ton of toys...she doesn't play with them, but if the tv is not on, she will interrupt my 4 year old while he is playing.

He has made comments on how I don't give consequences to my teenagers and how they are disrespectful...which they can be because when I got divorced I didn't follow thru. So why can he say stuff and I can't? If I were to say something it would be a huge fight and I don't want that, but I cannot take his daughter.  I love him so much and I haven't been this happy in a long time. I just hold it all in...I am so tired of her "I am a princess attitude" and thinks she can get do whatever because there will be no punishment...she is frickin 4 years old with the mouth of a teenager!

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 11:50am

I agree that this is a difficult situation.  when I was married to my 2nd DH, he had a DD 12 and my DD was 13.  His DD was a nice kid but then somehow when she went to high school she became rebellious and started doing a lot of stuff--skipping school, talking on the phone in the middle of the night, her grades were really bad.  My DH (now my ex) would start complaining about thing my DD did like leave her shoes around in the living room--I thought well, look at the difference in the problems here.  The things my DD was doing were so minor that I think that somehow he had to complain about something because he knew his DD was causing problems.  It's very difficult when both people have children and your ideas on child rearing aren't the same and you can't work together.  I think I would try family counseling before you throw in the towel.  He definitely needs to see that allowing a 4 yr old to be a brat and not to have any rules is only going to result in her doing worse things when she's a teen.  And don't think it's too late for you to learn a few things about how to get your teens in line too--I think if you present it that you could both use parenting help, it will go over better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 11:34pm

Well, if I had a b/f who didn't or couldn't control his child, and doesn't teach her respect and manners...I would feel that he didn't respect ME enough to expect his child to behave.  "Popping her one in the mouth"?  Delightful parenting!  And he feels it's ok for her to be rude and obnoxious because your children are the same?  I think you need to concentrate on your own family, and let your b/f and the obnoxious child move out on their own.  Again, if he had any respect for YOU, he wouldn't allow her to be rude to you, no matter what YOUR children do.  Your teen agers are old enough to understand what respect is......and unfortunately, they're teaching the 4 year old to be just as disrespectfu by example!  You need to work on your own family problems before you bring outsiders into the mess. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:37pm

  The child has divide and conquer down pat.  Be like Caesar in his Gallic campaigns!  Read Sun Tsu The art of war.   legion

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 6:07pm

I'd suggest family counseling so all of you can work on how to work as a team to be a mentally healthy family. A professional third party can give you the skills to handle family problems, and will give you homework to practice those skills. Your husband may listen to an impartial third party professional who can point out that the way he's handling his daughter is not going to produce positive results. If you can't afford family counseling, get some books from the library and approach the material with him in a way that lets him know you want to work together with him, because you care about having a happy home life. Good luck.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 3:06pm

You moved in together way too fast.  No body respects anybody.  Get rid of the guy and concentrate on fixing the problems with YOUR kids.