Frustrated over dressing up??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Frustrated over dressing up??
24
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:08am

Hi,

This may seem like a stupid problem, but it is causing a rift is our relationship. My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years and we're getting married in 7 weeks. In the beginning of our relationship, I had a high libido and enjoyed looking good for him. About a year ago, depression and anxiety hit me really hard and my libido crashed. I didn't even want to be touched, so sex was out of the question. I also didn't get dressed up for him like I used to. About 2 months ago, I started an all natural treatment plan because prescription drugs weren't working and I feel great! My libido is coming back but ever so slowly.

Last night we got into this huge argument because he asked me to dress up for this party that I was planning on wearing jeans to. I wear jeans everywhere, including work, it's what I'm comfortable in. So I got mad that he asked me to dress up and he got mad because he didn't think he was asking too much.

After hours of arguring, we ended up working it out (I think) and agreeing that we both wish I had the desire to look good for him and that I'll work on it.

Here's my problem - when I used to get drssed up for him, I enjoyed it, it was fun and I didn't feel pressured into it. Now when I think about getting dressed up, I feel angry because I feel forced into it and out of my comfort zone.

How do I get to the point where I get dressed up for him because "I" want to, not because "he" wants me too?

Or, how do I get to the point where I get dressed up because "he" wants me too without me getting angry.

Thanks,
Katie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:23pm
Sometimes we do things that we don't really want to -to keep our relationship happy and exctiting. If you plan on getting married to him, it will only get more challenging in time and if children are involved so I would compromise with him. If he likes to see you dressed up, you can't blame him for wanting you to dress up...if he likes sex (of course he does) you can't blame him for wanting sex. You both need to compromise I think-and understand that you both have needs that should be met. I would look into why it makes you angry? Why does it make you angry when he asks you to dress up? This is really about you and not him or what he is asking of you. Dress up for him once a week whether you want to or not and have sex even if you don't want to. This is my advice if you want to keep your guy happy and wanting you.
Best of luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 5:56pm

You've left out the most important detail: Was semi-formal or formal wear expected by the host?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:15pm
Okay, I can understand dressing up once in awhile but getting angry becuase you don't do his bidding is a problem. This brings up two possible problems 1 - he's controling and 2 - he's more concerned with how you look while he's out with you not how you feel, kind of like a trophy he wants to show off and you denied him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 4:21pm

"2 - he's more concerned with how you look while he's out with you not how you feel, kind of like a trophy he wants to show off and you denied him."

Exactly what he said. He wants to "show me off". He said it's a "guy thing" and that everyone else's significant other there dressed up for their man and he wants me to dress up for him every once in while. I don't mind looking nice for him, but since we both are somewhat controlling peoplel, I want to look good when I want to, not when he wants me to.

Is that selfish? Because he said is was.

Thanks so much for your reponses.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 6:07pm

He told me 30 minutes before we had to leave that it was semi-formal, so I didn't have a whole lot of time to get ready. The guys were wearing jeans and a nice shirt and the girls were wearing either summer dresses, skirts or nice pants.

What made me mad was that most of the guys were wearing jeans, so why can't I? His answer was, because your a women and the women were not wearing jeans.

That makes me mad because I hate being treating differently or having to meet some sort of expectations because of my gender. If the girls had to wear skirts or nice pants the guys should've had to wear khakis, but to allow guys to wear jeans and not girls I think is rediculous.

I'm sure in the grand scheme of things, this is extremely petty, but bothersome nonetheless.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 6:29pm

OK, you needed more than 30 mins warning that it was semi-formal. A girl needs time to shop, plan, makeup and dress. These things take time. In this part of the argument, your boyfriend let you down.

However, it's not your boyfriend's fault that men can wear jeans and the girls are expected to look lovely. All he wanted you to do is show respect to the host by dressing appropriately for the occaision. It sounds like you got mad at him for the way the world is.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 6:34pm

He's telling you how to dress and calling YOU selfish? I don't know how old the two of you are but the people I know enjoy getting dressed up once in awhile but I don't know any men who dictate to their wives or girlfriends what or when that should be. How you dress is your business and if he needs to make you feel bad about not dressing good enough for him you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Controlling people only get worse as the relationship progresses. My husbands abusive control issues didn't show up until almost two years after we were married and let me tell you - it ain't pretty! Picking a fight with you over what you wear is basically saying "I'm not happy with you as is" Can you live with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 10:54pm
How were the women actually dressed? Semi-formal is not pants, skirts and summer dresses. It's a nice dress or dressy blouse and skirt and a suit and tie for the boys! I would consider his version more dressy casual and I have never in my life heard of a dress code that allowed men jeans but not women. I wouldn't go to a snobby place with that kind requirement. Dress codes apply to both and dressy casual IS NOT jeans for men. It sounds to me like he was making it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:16am

I didn't think he was making it up because I thought the OP was reporting what people actually wore to the event. Perhaps I misunderstood?

That aside, I'm glad you responded with confusion about the dress code. I thought that perhaps we did it differently in Australia LOL

My understanding is that smart (dressy) casual would allow both men and women in jeans - on the proviso they were new jeans, not faded and no rips or tears. Good shoes for men and heels for women. No gym shoes. Both men and women would be expected to wear a nice shirt with the jeans. Summer dresses are also appropriate.

Semi formal means no jeans for anyone. Men and women in trousers or dresses. Where I live, it's very hot in summer so while men are expected to swelter in trousers, women get to wear summer dresses provided they're 'evening' style.

I do agree that an event where women are *expected* to dress up while men are in jeans is very strange.

Katoka, would you mind clarifying? It's just that I don't want to jump on the bandwagon of people calling your boyfriend "controlling" when he may have just been wanting you to dress appropriately for the occaision. I don't see there's anything wrong with wanting a partner to adhere to ettiquite.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:58am

A few posters have suggested that the boyfriend is the controlling type, but I really don't understand.

I remember when my sister refused to take her husband to a wedding because he would not dress appropriately. Nor would he get a *much needed* haircut. I think she did the right thing.

Since when is expecting a partner to dress appropriately for an occaision such a bad thing?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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