Frustrated over dressing up??
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:08am |
Hi,
This may seem like a stupid problem, but it is causing a rift is our relationship. My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years and we're getting married in 7 weeks. In the beginning of our relationship, I had a high libido and enjoyed looking good for him. About a year ago, depression and anxiety hit me really hard and my libido crashed. I didn't even want to be touched, so sex was out of the question. I also didn't get dressed up for him like I used to. About 2 months ago, I started an all natural treatment plan because prescription drugs weren't working and I feel great! My libido is coming back but ever so slowly.
Last night we got into this huge argument because he asked me to dress up for this party that I was planning on wearing jeans to. I wear jeans everywhere, including work, it's what I'm comfortable in. So I got mad that he asked me to dress up and he got mad because he didn't think he was asking too much.
After hours of arguring, we ended up working it out (I think) and agreeing that we both wish I had the desire to look good for him and that I'll work on it.
Here's my problem - when I used to get drssed up for him, I enjoyed it, it was fun and I didn't feel pressured into it. Now when I think about getting dressed up, I feel angry because I feel forced into it and out of my comfort zone.
How do I get to the point where I get dressed up for him because "I" want to, not because "he" wants me too?
Or, how do I get to the point where I get dressed up because "he" wants me too without me getting angry.
Thanks,
Katie

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Thanks for all your comments!
FYI: The arguement started because I used to dress up for him before my depression hit. When my depression/anxiety hit, I pushed myself away a little bit emotionally so I could work on getting myself better. While I was worrying about myself, he was supportive, but having a difficult time. Prior to the depression, I had a very healthy sex drive,I enjoyed looking good for him (makeup, doing my hair, dressing nice). For the last year, all of that changed. I no longer wear makeup or really style my hair. I did become somewhat selfish because I needed to work on getting myself better and I hardly ever wear anything other than jeans. Now that the weather is warming up, I am more likely to waer skirts, but the weather been so cold that I haven't been able to. I am feeling a lot better but it's going to take time to get back to my old habits.
So I don't think he was being controlling. Ignoring the party issue, the arguement had more to do with the stress he's been under the last year with my depression, not knowing if I was going to have an "up day" or "down day", very little sex and me looking casual all the time. I can understand that frustration, but at the time, I needed to do what I needed to do and up until the party I didn't realize how hard the last year has been. Now that I know, I can work on being my old self.
As far as the party goes, my fiance had called someone who was already there and got the dress code from her. The men were wearing jeans and a button-up shirt and the women were wearing skirts or nice pants so he really did want me to adhere to the dress code, but once we got there, I saw two girls there wearing jeans. I know it's not my fiance fault that guys could wear jeans and women couldn't, but I think thats crap. Either the guys should have been wearing slacks, or the girls should have been able to wear jeans.
"I do agree that an event where women are *expected* to dress up while men are in jeans is very strange."
Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking it's strange.
I know I overreacted with getting mad, but I guess I was so out of practice to dressing up and its completely out of the comfort zone, so I got defensive.
Katie
If there were women in jeans, dresses and skirts there wasn't a dress "code" it was a matter of personal choice. It's not selfish to need and want to take care of yourself and maybe you were so resistant to "dressing up" because you really got tired of all the fuss about your appearance. In just about every survey I have ever read guys love a woman in jeans and a t-shirt. They do appreciate the special occasions when they dress up but most men want a woman who is comfortable and confident being casual.
In my personal experience depression lingers when we feel we have no control over our lives. Your reaction was understandable and honestly as supportive as your BF may have been he cannot snap you out of it by challenging your need for control in your life. There was no reason for him to get angry. And if I remember correctly he told you you were being selfish. The judgment and anger only fuel the depression issues. It IS a control issue otherwise he wouldn't have gotten angry and called you selfish. It never would have gone beyond a remark about what the other women were wearing. I would never in a million years tell my husband what to wear. He's his own person and what he wears is his choice not mine.
Are you getting help with the depression?
Hi sjmystic,
He said that the two women who were wearing jeans "stuck out" and "everybody" noticed they were underdressed. When I told him that was just his opinion he got pissed and said that it wasn't just his opinion, that it was completely inappropriate. I really think he's just making it up.
I would much rather stick out and be comfortable than blend in and be uncomfortable. Because I was uncomfortable wearing what I didn't want to wear we ended up arguing at the party, and this was someone's engagment party, so it was supposed to be a happy celebratory time and he and I were arguing almost the whole time and ended up leaving 2 hours into it.
He always says he's not controlling, but there is a little part of me that feels that he is toa degree. We both agree that were are controlling in our own lives, but at times I think our controlling nature tends to spill over and affect the other person.
"In my personal experience depression lingers when we feel we have no control over our lives"
I never really though about it like this, but I totally agree. The depression started when I was stuck in the hospital with a collapsed lung last May. It got really really bad when my fiance and I moved into my mom's house last summer (living in my parent's house definitly takes away control over my life). Then he and I got our own place last fall and it's been getting better, but control definitly has a lot to do with how I'm feeling. I went off the antidepressants about 2 months ago because they weren't working and started an all natural treatment plan with herbal teas, meditation and acupuncture. With the natural method, I do feel an great sense of control, which helps a great deal. I also go to counseling about once a month, but the herbal teas and acupuncture are the most helpful.
I really don't feel depressed or anxious anymore, so what I'm doing in working, but I obviously still have issues if I get angry that he wants me to look good. I have a feeling that my childhood has a lot to do with it because I always hated dressing up as a kid and my mom would tell me that I had to wear dresses for Christmas, Easter and even going to church on Sundays. I always hated it so when he and I started dating, I had a real sense of freedom to wear what I wanted and to look the way I wanted. Me dressing up/ or not dressing up has never been an issue is the 3 years we've been together. He said he just wishes I would look good for him more often than 1-2 times a year. I guess I am selfish in that it's going to be really difficult for me to do something for him when I would rather not, but considering we are getting married in a few weeks, I should probably get used to sacrifice and compromise.
Katie
His ego is too tied up in your appearance. I never go anywhere that requires me to dress up. I wear dresses and skirts in the summer time but I live in Colorado so I wear jeans the rest of the year. If my husband wanted me to dress up then he should be taking me somewhere that makes it appropriate. I have branched out and worn things that are more flattering while remaining comfortable.
If you have issues with being expected to dress up you have every right to set a boundary that says your boyfriend has no say in the matter. If you're with someone who is challenging this in you and triggering this in you, you need to evaluate how to heal this within yourself and get him to understand it's a hot button for you that he is not allowed to push. It's not about compromise in this situation. He's pushing you to get his way and he's making you feel bad in the process. One of the first ways children express their independence is in getting themselves dressed. No one want's to be told how to dress and how to look. BTW MOST men would not have given you crap about it so what can you learn from being with someone who does?
When I get in slumps St Johns Wort and B vitamins help me. Let your healing take it's own pace and don't get sucked into feeling like you should be doing this or you should be doing that.
Firstly, his request for you to dress up is not unnatural or too much to ask. He has a right to want you to dress up and look good. It is a way for him of feeling cared for and respected. The fact that you had severe anxiety and lost your desire to have sex or to dress up is a real problem. Actually, you are fortunate that he is still with you under these circumstances. The fact that it makes you angry to dress up is something you should work on with a therapist. It is not something that he should have to bear the brunt of. Get dressed up even though it makes you angry. Do it because it is a sign of love and respect for him and also for yourself. Don't let your feelings rule your life. Your feelings are unreasonable here. They arise from inner problems which should be worked on in therapy.
Get yourself the emotional help you need with your feelings and make efforts to take the right actions in your life, both for yourself and for him.
Best wishes,
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Dr. Shoshanna,
I appreciate your reply and I agree that it's not unnatural to ask, but how is it his right? I don't think he has a right to tell me what to wear and when, I'm an adult and can dress myself.
I agree that I am lucky he has been by my side throughout the anxiety and depression. I know I'm lucky to have him, hence why we're getting married. He was by my side every day for the two weeks I was in the hospital last year with a collapsed lung and subsequent surgery. But despite all that he does for me, I still don't want to be told what to do.
It's ironic that you said this is something I should work on in therapy, because I just got back from therapy and she said that me not wanting to be told to get dressed up is associated with how I was treated in childhood and forced to dress up, but that still doesn't give him the right to tell me what to do.
As far as the libido is concerned, now that I'm off the antidepressants, it is returning, but ever so slowly. What would you suggest to help speed that process along because I know sex is an important part of a relationship and I'd like to feel like a sexual being on our honeymoon in June.
Thanks,
Katie
At the end of the day, all we are giving are opinions based on our own life experiences and expectations. Some of us believe your boyfriend was OK in what he did and others don't. Basically, some people care about social rules and expections and others don't give a toss as long as they're happy and comfortable.
I do think it's OK to expect a partner to look nice at an event because I care about etiquitte. I care about what my host thinks and I care about how my partner and I relflect on each other. My husband will make suggestions about what I should wear and I will give suggestions back to him. In our relationship, this is totally acceptable and we truly care about and listen to each other's opinions.
Others think your boyfriend is out of line because they don't care about social expecations. Their partners don't care either and it all works fine. They make their own rules and are happy this way. If this suits them, then that's OK too.
If you don't want to be told how to dress, then find a man who doesn't care what you look like. Find a man who doesn't care about etiquitte. But if you choose to stay with him, then you need to accept that he does care about social expectations.
But do not expect him to conform to your rules and expectations. He cares about social rules and always will.
Hi Katie,
Read Dr Phil's book, Relationship Rescue.
I agree.
And I think there's another thing that nobody (that I can remember) has touched on.
When we meet someone, we have a list of things we want from a partner. You used to like getting dressed up and your boyfriend obviously would have appreciated this. However, due to depression etc, you have changed. So, he's now got a woman he loves but who is no longer meeting one of his needs.
Now, we all grow and change throughout our lives and this is normal. But in a relationship, you've gotta hope that you don't grow and change in opposite directions because you'll no longer meet your partner's needs.
Please have some sympathy for him. He truly would be struggling having lost a part of you which is important to him. And it would be especially hard for him because you're fighting to not be what he loved so much.
Color me stupid but I really don't see this in the same light as anyone else posting and maybe that's because I'm married to someone with control issues. It's NOT about etiquette. It's a matter of simple respect. Making a suggestiona about what to wear is different than getting pissed off and telling you you're selfish when he doesn't get his way. Seriously, if he were dealing with this maturely, somewhere along the line he would have told you how beautiful you are no matter what you wear and that it means a lot to him when you dress up then maybe suggest it for this occasion.
I completely disagree with Dr. Shoshannas approach to it. You do not have to lie down and be grateful for everything he's done when he's triggering you. One has nothing to to with the other. He has to give just as much in this. You're in therapy for God's sake if he's with you he has an obligation to help you not push you to give him his way. I'm in therapy and I can tell you without doubt or hesitation my therapist would have supported me in not wanting to be controled and told how to dress. Therapy is about setting healthy boundaries - it's not about compromising what we need to feel safe and valued and I think a big part of you NEEDS him to value you without the dressing up because your mom made such a fuss about it. The two of you need to have a serious sit down about how this is pushing each of your buttons cuz I promise you he's bringing his baggage to the table as well!
Good luck sorting it out Katie - I agree with your therapist! :)
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