Frustrated over dressing up??
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:08am |
Hi,
This may seem like a stupid problem, but it is causing a rift is our relationship. My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years and we're getting married in 7 weeks. In the beginning of our relationship, I had a high libido and enjoyed looking good for him. About a year ago, depression and anxiety hit me really hard and my libido crashed. I didn't even want to be touched, so sex was out of the question. I also didn't get dressed up for him like I used to. About 2 months ago, I started an all natural treatment plan because prescription drugs weren't working and I feel great! My libido is coming back but ever so slowly.
Last night we got into this huge argument because he asked me to dress up for this party that I was planning on wearing jeans to. I wear jeans everywhere, including work, it's what I'm comfortable in. So I got mad that he asked me to dress up and he got mad because he didn't think he was asking too much.
After hours of arguring, we ended up working it out (I think) and agreeing that we both wish I had the desire to look good for him and that I'll work on it.
Here's my problem - when I used to get drssed up for him, I enjoyed it, it was fun and I didn't feel pressured into it. Now when I think about getting dressed up, I feel angry because I feel forced into it and out of my comfort zone.
How do I get to the point where I get dressed up for him because "I" want to, not because "he" wants me too?
Or, how do I get to the point where I get dressed up because "he" wants me too without me getting angry.
Thanks,
Katie

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Hi sjmystic,
Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it! He and I have talked it out and he said the reason he got sooo upset was an accumulation of the stress he's been under the last year. He also said that he supports me being myself (after all, he's spent the last three years encouraging me to be my own person), but that certain occasions call for a certain dress code and for the first time in 3 years, I didn't agree with the dress code.
We agreed that from now on, he won't tell me what to wear, but if there is a certain dress code for an event, he will tell me way in advance, I still choose to wear what I want and he'll say something only if what I'm wearing is completely inappropriate. I agreed to that, but hopefully it won't even be an issue since we hardly ever go to any event that has a "dress code". It really was just a misunderstanding because I didn't really see an angagement party as a big deal. I was treating it like any other party we'd go to and he saw it as a more formal event (as did everyone else).
He also realises that this has more to do with the way I grew up than it does him, which is why he agreed to never tell me what to wear. He knows now how sensitive I am about it.
When I reversed the situation and thought about myself in his shoes, if we were going to a formal or semi-formal event, I would hope he'd respect my wishes to look a certain way if the event called for it. Last year, I recieved an award and I asked him to wear nice khaki's to the ceremony so we had to go buy some because he didn't own any, but he dressed the way I asked him too because I knew there would be people there meeting him for the first time and I wanted him to look the part. Even though I still don't think this party qualifies as one of those events, I'll agree to disagree with him on that.
So I think the argument is over. He isn't going to tell me what to wear anymore and I am going to continue working on this issue in therapy.
I appreciate everyone's input!
Thanks,
Katie
Maybe you could just surprise him once in awhile by dressing a little nicer than the occasion calls for. Or you could always buy something sexy for him alone to spark up your sex life!!!!! :)
I'm glad to hear you've talked it out. The more he can respect your feelings on the matter the easier it will be for you to do it because you WANT to.
That's exactly it! I do want to look nice for him every once in awhile, but when I choose to and when he's not expecting it.
It's a lot more rewarding when I can surprise him because I know he likes it and I feel like it's my choice.
I know marriage is about compromise and there are many things we have already compromised about, but I guess there are also a few sensitive areas that are just to be left alone.
Thanks again and I'll make sure to come back here for any other advice!
Katie
Deleted my post. I missed the post about your latest discussion and my thoughts were not required.
I think it was a great result for both of you.
Edited 5/2/2007 6:29 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
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