Frustrating issue with husband (Long)
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| Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:01pm |
I have a great husband in every sense of the word. In every way but one he takes my feelings and concerns into account. He does a great deal around this house, is a good provider, is really my best friend. We only fight over one issue, and that's his dog.
I know that sounds stupid, and you're probably thinking if his dog is the only thing we fight about then I'm pretty shallow, but let me try to explain. First off, I am not a dog person. I like other people's dogs, but I would never own a dog, nor have I ever wanted to. I feel they are like children -- a large financial expense and require a great deal of time, attention, and money. My husband's views on dogs are very different than mine, and that's probably the root of our problem. I have a very hard time trying to understand how an intelligent, highly educated man can dismiss most literature on dog owning and training.
Eight years ago he got a Rottweiler puppy from a rescue organization. It was the standard discussion of "I'll take care of her, I'll train her", etc. That fell by the wayside as soon as he got her. Taking care of her, in his mind, consists of feeding her. Period. She's never been trained - professionally or otherwise. He pretty much ignores her. She's alone for long, extended periods of time as we both work full time. As you can expect with any dog, a Rottweiler in particular, she is now completely out of control.
Barks incessantly. Daily accidents in the house. Completely uncontrollable on a leash. A total horror. I am absolutely petrified of her, and when I tell him that, he dismisses me with "She's so sweet.". Yes she's so sweet, but she's also in her mind the alpha dog in our house,. I have sent him countless websites on dog training, Rottweiler in particular. I have gotten him books on Rottweiler and dog training, all to no avail. He feels these books are 'new age nonsense'. Or he'll agree to work with her for 20 minutes a day, but then never do it. She's starting to get oddly aggressive (can you blame her? she's ignored!) and she growls at me when we're alone in the house.
This week was the final straw. I was setting up a picnic in the back yard and putting out food. She flipped and jumped on me, literally jumped up on me, to get a table scrap. She knocked me over, bit my elbow in the process, and scratched me horribly on my arms and legs. Let me add also that she refuses to stay away from her own feces, and the scratch marks she left were full of it.
After I got back from the doctor I flipped. We had a huge argument, probably the biggest we've ever had. I am so afraid, not only for myself, but for kids in the neighborhood. She gets out of the yard all the time, and I'm afraid her natural tracking instinct will cause her to go after some child and bit e them. He again dismisses this concern. "She's so sweet!" "She'll never get that tracking drive!" "It's not her nature!" It's amazing because he's such a rational person, but when it comes to this dog he's completely blind. He completely dismissed what happened to me ("She didn't bite you", "She didn't have feces in her nails, you're melodramatic", "You didn't need a tetanus shot") Finally he said, OK get rid of her.. but it's a lose/lose situation. Get rid of her - where? How? And why is that my responsibility?
I honestly want her gone. I've had it with crap and pee in my house. I've had it with being afraid in my own home. I've had it with her stink. (She never gets bathed, because she refuses to go into the tub or near a hose. Why? Because she's the alpha in this house!). If I do that, I know that he will resent me deeply. However I resent him deeply now for not taking my concerns seriously. His comment last night is, "She's old, she'll die soon". I honestly am afraid of calling a rescue organization, because what if we give her away, and she bites someone else? She's knocked over my mother, my nieces, and no one will come to our house.
As mad as I am, it's not with her, I do feel badly for her. We have no money and no free time - So why get a dog? I'm angry with him, and I'm angry with myself for giving into him when he wanted to get her. I feel if I had stood my ground these years ago we'd never have this problem. He had asked about a dog for several years prior to getting her, but I was reluctant from the time/money standpoint. Also because I know nothing about raising dogs. He kept saying he's had German Shephards all his life, he knows how to train them, etc. So I was really excited at first to get her, because she was just this adorable ball of cuteness, and at first everything was fine... but he totally dismissed the idea of a professional trainer. Fast forward a few years later, and I'm the one paying the price.
How can someone who is great in so many ways be so obtuse!? I can't get around this in my head. I honestly am so angry right now, I'd like to take my husband to the vet and have him put to sleep too! Not really, but you know what I mean.
I called a trainer today (resentfully) and set an appointment for tomorrow. I called around and got five referrals from vets. My husband has said before that he doesn't believe in professional training, and that we can't afford it, but I've put my foot down. He's coming tomorrow when we are both in the house.
I want my husband to make a decision. He either needs to bite the bullet and put the cost of this on the credit card, or he needs to get rid of her. He is absolutely blind with love for this dog, and really doesn't see her behavior clearly. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it when he gets home.
When we discuss this, he gets very defensive, because he feels I'm implying that he is incompetent with dogs. I don't believe that at all - I believe he is incompetent with ROTTWEILERS. He's always had German Shephards, and doesn't believe there is any difference between the two breeds.
How would you handle this discussion this evening? I know it's going to go badly. I feel horribly invalidated by his comments, and told him so this morning before he left for work. But again, because the dog was the topic of conversation, it went nowhere. Here were our parting comments as he left the house:
"Unless we do something, we've got a big problem."
"She's just not like that."
"When you dismiss my concerns, I feel really hurt."
"I'm not dismissing you"
Incredible. Again, this dog is the ONLY topic we can't discuss rationally.
So in a nutshell, after all of this, what I want is either:
1.) The dog to be professionally evaluated and trained, no matter what the cost
or
2.) HE needs to take care of calling the rescue organization, dealing with the grief because HE chose not to professionally train her, and inform them that she is aggressive, even if he believes otherwise
or
3.) HE has to make an appointment with the vet to have her PTS
How do you get that across to someone steadfastly blind?

it's dangerous, neglectful and stupid to get a dog and not give it boundaries and teach it what's expected.
all it would take is ONE time when this dog gets excited and ONE time when some mother freaks out because a 100 pound rottweiler jumped on her kid.
your husband is being horribly irresponsible with this dog. they're like children, they don't raise themselves. to care about a dog is to guide it and teach it and to PUT IN THE EFFORT TO DO SO.
i feel sorry for the dog... for being neglected and untrained.
i feel sorry for you because this is a tough spot to be in!
you are obviously motivated to help. from you post, it sounds like you're fine with the little critter so long as the dog learns how to behave, which is completely reasonable.
rottweilers are a wonderful breed...they're intelligent and they want to please, as most dogs do.
obedience school is not for the dog... it's for the owner.
i speak from experience... i have a german shepherd/rottweiler who is the best behaved girl ever... but that's not from the luck of the draw - it's because i care enough about her to give her the attention and guidance she needs. it takes effort and consistency to help a dog learn what is ok and what is not ok.
like a kid writing on the walls with crayon...
i'm sure the dog IS sweet... but she's out of control and doesn't understand what's expected of her.
besides that, having a big dog that's untrained is asking for trouble. it's dangerous.
dogs can get very aggressive when they are ignored and need attention. your hubby better buck up and pay attention to what's going on.
'I honestly am afraid of calling a rescue organization, because what if we give her away, and she bites someone else?'
Why are you worried about calling a rescue organization? Tell them about her personality and let them train her and find a good home. Do this before you put her to sleep. That part is not your responsibility.
At this point why argue about who calls the organizations or vets??? Do what is right for the dog and do the calling yourself. Your husband is not being responsible so do the responsible thing yourself.
I think the trainer is a good idea. I am sure the trainer will help you decide what to do. Maybe he or she will help your husband see that the dog is out of control and there is no hope.
But if this doesn't work then it is time for plan B: I would tell him that it is too upsetting for you to live there with the dog. You can explain that you love him a lot and are trying to understand the way he feels for the dog and that the decision of what to do with the dog is up to him. But you cannot stand to be around poop and pee and have that animal frighten you. Then you should move out. I think that he will see that he would rather live with you than the dog and then he will make the right decision.
You cannot manipulate him or control him. But you can be loving and appreciating of him and protect yourself at the same time.
Good luck - keep us posted.
Edited 6/12/2004 5:19 am ET ET by west1745
Here's an update:
Yesterday afternoon I called her vet, as well as other vets in the area, to get trainer recommendations. Money is a huge factor, so that is why I wanted different recommendations. As it works out, the trainer recommended by her vet was the least expensive, and he's coming here this afternoon to give us an evaluation.
I let him know when he came home from work. He was not happy about the idea, or the cost. In his mind, because he's always had large dogs that were well behaved, I believe he is in denial about her behavior. He sees her as just a large, exitable, overly affectionate animal -- I see her as a ticking time bomb. Probably the truth lies somewhere in between, and that's why I believe we need professional help dealing with her.
I feel he views it as some sort of weakness or failure to call in professional help, and he also said he still doesn't believe in animal trainers and thinks they are a "cottage industry scam". I said he's got to accept the very real possiblity that he's wrong on this, and be secure enough in himself to accept that he doesn't know everything there is about dogs.
He also sees it, I think, as a failure in himself regarding something he did (in his mind) for me. We live in an area with a fair share of crime, and he's gone many nights as he works two jobs. I think he felt getting a Rottweiler would be protection for me on the nights I am home alone. I feel an alarm system would have done the same purpose and been a lot less expensive in the end, as well as having no emotional requirements!
I said either we bite the bullet, put the cost of this training on the credit card, or he's got to be the one to call the rescue group and deal with the grief because he never had her trained.
I'll definitely give you an update on what the trainer's evaluation was. I am willing to work with her for a number of reasons:
1.) As he said before, she doesn't have many years left to live. She's 8.5 now and has been with us since she was a puppy. We're really the only family she's ever known. If we're trainable (not her, US) and we take her back to the rescue organization, I believe that would cause intense emotional suffering for her. If we can turn this behavior around, I'd like to think we can do this for her sake.
2.) My step-kids (teens) love her to death. The come here on the weekends and if she were sent away, it would upset them horribly. Of course they'll be upset when she gets older and dies of natural causes, but I think it would cause them a lot of pain to have her suddenly gone, especially when with them she's so loving.
3.) Guilt. I was with him at all of the appointments at the rescue group and read their literature on why training is necessary. When we got home with her, I pretty much deferred to him when he said that wasn't necessary, because he had many large dogs before her. When the behaviors started, instead of simmering in resentment because "he wanted the dog", I should have stood my ground years ago and insisted we either give her back or get her trained.
Of course, after the trainer gets here today, these points may be moot. If he feels that, given our time constraints, we don't have the ability to work with her, he'll let us know. I really laid the entire story on the line about our work and time situations to him.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my overly emotional vent and give your advice. I will let you know what happens!
The trainer may have more good ideas than you think including taking away the alpha status and crate training.
The trainer may be more expensive in the short run but a lawsuit, huge medical bills or divorce would be far more costly in the long run!!
Please let us know what the trainer says.
As an aside, I always had a dog when I was growing up and I love animals. But shortly after my divorce I had to get rid of our standard poodle because I could not deal with the mess or the nuisance or the expense. I am so happy to be dog free! But I can understand both of your perspectives.
Good luck!