Future marriage and pornography issues?
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| Sun, 08-29-2004 - 2:48pm |
I found out about the pornography several months before we were engaged. I confronted him about it and he said that he was sorry and that he would get rid of it all. I verified that he did get rid of it all (or at least moved it to a different location)! I was trusting that his word was all I needed. I came across a porn video a few weeks AFTER he proposed to me. We had just gotten engaged, it was supposed to be a joyous time in our lives, so I didn't mention anything about it to him.
I basically put all the porn issues out of my mind and have been focusing a great deal of my time to the wedding planning and all of the other excitements of being engaged. My fiance is a great guy, very loving, and has really given a great deal of support all throughout our relationship.
It just hit me about a week ago that I am so very bothered by the porn! I trusted that he would take care of it by getting rid of it all, and he obviously did not. I despise pornography in all its forms. I have found that making love to him disgusts me lately. My views about our relationship are changing, all due to the pornography issue! The thought of him watching it, including the fact that he lied to me, absolutely infuriates me!
What should I do? I know I need to discuss matters with him, but I really don't know what to say. I can't even get my own thoughts in order at this point. Almost all of the wedding plans are finalized. Ahhhhh!
Please help!

There's a saying "seek to understand before being understood". I'm not sure how strong your beliefs on this are..but obviously your fiance isn't near as strong. There is a line of movies out by Candida Royale. They are movies with real people (meaning not modified to look perfect, etc.) They are full porn but geared more towards intimacy between a couple...not the meet and screw kind of repulsive porn in many movies. Trying buying or renting one and watching it with him if you can. You may get a better understanding of why he enjoys it thru conversation with him. Instead of just bringing it up again and seeming like you are nagging, etc. This is a way to communicate on his terms in a nonthreatening way. You may even find that once you talk with him it doesn't bother you if there are some ground rules...like, keep it where you can't see it, no underage, etc. or you may find that an occasional movie together isn't bad.
I know this is simplistic..but think of it this way. Say for instance you love shoes and you tend to buy a few pair a month to go with different outfits, etc. Maybe it makes you feel more feminine, pretty, etc. Your fiance thinks it's ridiculous and makes comments often on it, is dead set against you buying shoes all the time, etc. Chances are that would make you defensive, you'd be defensive when he brings up how much money you spends, etc. You'd shut down a bit and probably even continue to buy them and say.."oh, I've had these in my closet for a long time." I know this sounds weird..but porn really isn't that different to men as shoes are to us. It's a way to destress to many. And in fact, many times the bigger deal you make of it..the more they tend to turn to it as a destressor.
These are just suggestions and like I've said...I don't have issues with some light porn so of course this is just one sided. Also, he's at home with you or alone watching a movie. Christians have sexual questions and fantasies also. He could be at a strip club, bars, etc. picking up women...now that would be unacceptable. It's different if porn seems to be taking time away from normal activities or from you as a couple..that's an addiction..if it's not..like I said.."seek first to understand..really understand it." Only then make your decision about the future. Let me know how it goes.
I first came across this about two years into our relationship, accidentally stumbling on an internet site he frequented. At that time, he had said that he only went to these websites when we were having difficult times together. He also told me that he would stop doing so, because he realized how much it bothered me. This was before we were engaged. Now, I found his collection of videos and DVDs, I also found some images that he had downloaded from the internet, as well as some pictures of friend's back sides (yes, he has a fetish with the female rear-end). When I confronted him with this discovery, he was very defensive, claiming that I was snooping and violating his privacy. This led to days of separation...building my fear of "with him up in his computer room, what is he up to?"
When I asked him why he continues to pursue getting these images, he says it for stimulation and the variety. He said that whenever I need his attention in the bedroom, he is ready--anytime I need it. Well, being the type to 'not want to intrude on his computer time' I would give him his space. Now, I wonder, should I just jump at the chance, when I feel the need to just interrupt his time on the computer or continue to give him his space?
Well, back to the issue at hand...
What really bothers me is that he needs variety. I tell him that when he proposed to me, that was a commitment to each other. I would feel incredible guilt if I were to want variety. I could go out and experiment with different men to see if there are others bigger, able to satisfy me more, etc...but I don't nor do I feel the need to.
I don't understand why he says that I satisfy him yet he needs variety. I questioned him about if this would change after we were married and he said probably not.
He doesn't think there is anything wrong with wanting to see a variety. He says he sees these individuals as not being real, just a motivational drive to fulfill his fantasy. They don't exist in his eyes.
I guess I am frustrated and it really does make me sick to my stomach knowing that he's got this going on. I worry every time he's on the computer.
So, as you can see, you aren't alone it this issue.
I do allow him to get his T&A magazines...and can tolerate that but when it comes to sharing your inner most fantasies and intimate times...that's where I want to draw the line. I believe this is something that should be between the two of us....not spread around to whomever he meets in his porn chat rooms.
I am sorry that I didn't answer your posting for help but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this. Let me know what you decide to do!
i thought that it was hypocritical of me to sleep with him, and then get angry b/c of porn. so we talked about it and decided to watch some together, just so i could see where he was coming from. i will admit that i find some of it arousing, but we watch it together to talk about it. likes and dislikes, things we would like to try. i'm not sure if you discuss these things w/ your fiance, but it would help your relationship if you did. i know that your angry that he lied, i would be too, but, you also may have scared him into being dishonest about it by jumping all over him. the best way to have an honest relationship is to be open with each other.
i do think its a little hypocritical of you to make love to your fiance and then think its unChristian to look at porn. if anything, watching porn is the better of the 2 b/c at least it's just him. he could be sleeping around to fulfill his urges and fantasies. i think you should embrace the fact that almost every guy does it. and i think you should try to share it with him. at least give it a chance first. there is a show called "real sex" on HBO that deals with real people, someone else mentioned something of the sort. you may want to try that. good luck with everything.
He is going to view it secretly. It might get worse as time goes by. Men can become addicted to it.
To get a better knowledge of porn addiction, go to the keyword and type in 'sex addiction'. You will better understand the problem. good luck
Porn is fantasy, erotica is real. It's the erotica movies that feature real actions of people.
I don't masturbate and I'm sure there are others like me that don't. I have no need to.
From what Christians have said, porn is something that they shouldn't see. Sex is thought to bring a fulfillment to their marriage. Sex is not thought as a bad thing in Christian circles.