Future relationship seems doubtful

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Future relationship seems doubtful
12
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:52pm
For the last 13 months i have been dating a wonderful man, however, we've reached a point in our relationship that might bring it to an end and im not willing to see that happen. my problem has to deal with my parents and i am torn between them and the man i want to marry and have a family with. from the momnet we met i was told that the man im dating (we'll call him Will) has been previously married with two children. that is not my problem though. halfway into our relationship he met my parents and all was well, or so i thought. my parents told me that i am better than dating a man with a ex-wife and two children and that they will never approve of our relationship and his children are not welcomed in their home. trying to make the best of the situation, Will kept coming over to my parents house and things seemed to progressivly be getting better. yesterday though my grandparents visited and i casually mentioned Will in one of our conversations and was immediatly told to get rid of him. this upsets me especially when my grandparents havent even met this man, all they know is his past and obviously they dont want to get to know him any better. i told all this to Will and now he feels that he can never be asociated with my family knowing their true feelings of him. it hurts to see him in so much pain when i love him so much. we have had alot of obstacles that we have overcome and i dont want this to be something that stops us from growing together. ive talked to my parents numerous times about the situation and yet their attitude towards all this hasnt and wont change. i want to spend my life with Will, but feel in order to do so it might mean leaving my family. Has anyone been faced with this before and if so what was your outcome? please give me and and all suggestions, good or bad. i need every opinion i can get.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:15pm
Hon, you're asking them todo - what you're refusing to do...and that's unrealistic and unreasonable.

It's not the requirement that they like him, his past - or include his children from a previous relationship in their family.

And if you're wanting to affiliate with him....they're saying that "your family won't be welcome in our home" basically.

They're asking you to make a choice.....and here is my best advice. Most parents putting you in this position are doing it in a last ditch attempt to make you "choose them" - because they see what you cannot, they know what you do not yet know about life in general - and they're fully aware that a relationship that has already had "lots of obstacles" to overcome is just one hilly, bumpy, treacherous relationship for you to go thru for eternity.

They're putting this out there hoping that you "choose the benefits and love that you know they offer you" - over a life with him.........because by their reasoning, life with him for you is just going to be one tremendously impactive ride.

So, you're wanting them to change their opinions, viewpoints and standards so that "you" don't lose thier love and alliance and benefit via them....but you're not wanting to do that by ceasing to be affiliated with "Will" - so don't ask them to do waht you're not willing to do yourself.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:31pm
thank you erin for your comments, but i do not think its fair for my parents to automatically not want to be associated with Will because he has a past they dont like. He has been nothing but nice to my parents yet they are rude constantly and talk about him behind his back when they dont think im listening. parents shouldnt make you choose, i think they should support their children. i realize my parents only want the best for me, but the only problem we have is that my parents are close minded to anything that involves him. he has never been abusive to me, he loves me unconditionally, takes care of me, supports any ambition i might have, is a wonderful father and a overall great man. why should i have to choose between either of them when my parents wont even hear me out. this has happened with every relationship that has gotten to this point. they always find some fault in the person im dating and harp on that. it makes it very hard to date or even invite someone over to meet my parents for fear they will judge them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:42pm
Having been where you are - and where they are are well - this might offer some objective review.

First, your assumption that they don't like him because he has been married, divorced and has two children is likely incorrect. It's how that reality is going to impact and affect YOU they might be adverse to.

Because truly, he's not going to treat you any better than he did his first wife. He's the common denominator in his life - and his values justify his actions. So, you might review that marriage - what of it is you know. And realize that if he's saying to you that 'she caaused him to do this, that, the other...or if she or some other excuse is the reason that he doesn't parent hsi children daily, and support them regularly without resentment" - that you could easily find yourself in the same boat at some point.

Let's say that he does always pay his support, he lives in close proximity to his wife and two children, he's ambitious and professionally well situated, and he's preparing without fail for his children's higher education and health needs, as well as seeing and interacting and parenting them daily.

Because that is ideally what you'd have him doing - if you're wanting him to be the father of your children. So have you realized how THAT situation could impact your future - how it might limit if you can have children that he can afford to educate and raise, how it could cause you great impact (not negative necessary - just intrusive impact) in your lives on a daily basis. Because here are two children that appropriately upon marriage YOU need to interact with on a regular basis, and always being making sacrifices and efforts for.

Parents can be viewed as closeminded - just as I viewed mine to be when I was 18 and wanting to marry someone they disapproved of - which I did and had a child. And when I was 21 and wanting to marry someone they disapproved - in order to help me meet my obligations - which I did (I had no more children, thank God). And when I was 25 and wanting to marry the third man - becuase I was now entitled to someone younger, more fun, and glamourous than the 2nd husband who helped me provide for and raise my child (who I was still raising).....and when I married the 4th husband at 28...they still objected and i was stubbornly holding onto "they're closeminded and don't want me to be happy".

But often they're seeing what you don't and can't....due to a lack of life experience.

But, one thing is certain....they do not HAVE to like or support your decision to marry someone - and it appears they will not in this case.

Which will be the BEST thing that happens to you all - believe me. Because if Will is truly someone of character and quality - you two will have a great life, and you'll raise his two children, interact appropriately with his ex, you'll have children of you rown - and your parents will come to admire and respect you not for "defying them" but for standing up for what you believved in and desired, and have made a successful union and life as a result. Eventually if your life is positively rewarded due to your diligence, efforts, and focus - they will come aruond and offer explanation and there will be reuniting.

And, if Will is NOT someonee of character and honor, if you two get together and create a whole mess of obligations, debts, adn children which neither of you can afford, support, or raise responsibly - you'll end up back at your parents house. And you'll bee seeking that guidance, assistance and reassurance with the sound knowledge that your parents stood by their beliefs and principles, in this case they were right, they're going to truly help you and your children out butnot at your "emotional expense" and you can then learn from this experience and go forward.

So, either way - they're doing the best thing they can do. Because they are standing by waht they believe -and that is going to serve you well in every way.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:59pm
just curious - what are the *many obstacles* that the two of you have had to overcome in the last year?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:34pm
i suppose for everyone to understand this situation more detail is needed. Will is a man of good character and takes full responsibility for his two children. raising them with good morals, providing them with food and shelter, and planning for their future. the reasons his first marraige did not ast is not blaimed on just his wife but on both of them(hisoutlook on it anyways). they didnt communicate and grew apart over the years. i do realize that my parents are not only concerned about his past but the outcome it will have on my future. they do not want me to be associated with him or his children because they are not mine by marraige. they belong to anothr women and do not want them around because they are not their grandchildren by blood. knowing this me and Will have discussed this and agree its best to not have his children exposed to the type of atmosphere. they have no control of what has happened and we both feel they shouldnt be treated as outcast by parents because of that simple fact. between me and Will, we cannot have children together and we are both okay with that. i am willing to take responsibility with him in raising his children and do not see it as a burden or sacrificing anything in our future. it is a privelage and those kids are dear to me. i wouldnt deny them anything, they deserve everything. still with all this said my parents do not see positive in anything. i know they cannot control who i choose to marry but they can control where i live and im not finacially ready to have a place of my own, and feel moving in with Will during the middle of this will only lead my parents to resent him. so in alot of ways i am stuck in the middle. my parents and i dont have a good relationship communication wise and i think it is hurting my relationship with Will. this situation has happened before(disapproving of a bf/not his past) and lead me to leave home and lose their trust in me. i do not want to follow that same path. i would like my parents to trust that Will is a good man and desrving of me and for them to accept him into the family, but i feel leaving them and moving on with my life is my only hope for that hapening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:42pm
I think the step that is missing is you going from being financially dependent, adn thus defined in great part, on your parents...to be being a completely financially independent and thus self-defined young woman - prior to entering into marriage.

There is a huge divorce rate in women that go from being "someone's daughter" to "someone's wife" without a signficant period of 1-2 years of being compeltely independent in every regard.

That period of time allows you to be self-defined, self-aware, and self-responsible and self-disciplined. That allows you to know more completely and fully what you want as an individual, and how you're going to become it.

Becuase a relationship isn't a goal - it doesn't make you what you're not already at the core. But it does require sacrifice in order to have a relationship - and what is often unknown to those lacking in self-identitification is whether what they're going to be called upon to limit or forgo is of imperative necessity to their self-identity.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:51pm
I could not agree with you anymore. The first time i moved out i was solely responsible for any decision i made as well as all finiacial matters. i feel by me moving back home has taken away all that i gained in that amount of time on meing on my own. i do want a place of my own and to be independent, i just feel that at this time its not doable until more money is earned to afford that expense. in the meantime though the situation with Will is only getting worse and i am losing my paitence. what i really need help with is assuring Will that what we have can last and that my family will come around eventually(hopefully) if we stay true to each other and our standards. i do not want to back down to my parents because i know i ma not doing anything wrong by being with this man. yes it does come with added responsibilty, but i feel that if i were not ready for that then i would not continue to stay with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:18pm
I agree with Erin. If you take control of your life financially, move out and live on your own (or with a roommate if economically necessary), for at least a year you will be able to show your parents and yourself that your decision to marry any particular man is not based on your personal financial need in any respect. I get the idea that you are still fairly young, and that your parents might be taking this stance because they don't think you are capable of making the best choices for yourself yet.

I wonder if your parents would have the same attitude if you were married (not necessarily to this man) and adopted a child - because you couldn't bear children of your own? When they say they don't want you to be saddled with his kids, and that they don't want another woman's children as part of their family, it may be because they don't think you are ready to take it on. They know that marriage and raising children are not easy under the best of circumstances. Taking on a ready made family, and an EX, make your future even more challenging. If you haven't already proved yourself able to take care of yourself in all ways, independent of them or a man, it's understandable why they would think you unready for this. Rather than saying this to you, they are placing their doubts on HIM. It's easier to be critical of someone else than it is to be critical of their own dear daughter.

Whether or not this is the motivating factor for their attitude, it's best for you to become independent of them before becoming engaged. It's likely that the year or two you spend doing that will prepare you for the life ahead, it will be better for you and your BF regardless, and could eliminate your parent's objections so that you don't have to make a choice between your family and your BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:17pm
Well, you can't ever guarantee that your parents will come to accept Will and/or his chidren should you continue with this relationship.

But you're sounding more like the "young me" every second....let me ask you something - when you returned home because you couldn't swing the bills - was it because you didn't downscale your lifestyle and coming home allowed you to have the clothes and car - but just not the living independence?

I ask because of this......you can't ever guarantee Will that this situaiton with your parents will resolve itself. You can't force him to want to be in a relationship where this difficulty exists.

But....is this really Will's issue - or your potential huge problem? Is it that you want financial independence and aren't there yet in the style you want to live - so you live at home. And as a result of that reality, your parents call some of the shots. So your parents are hinting or outright saying "you either choose him or us" - and you want to choose him, move in, etc......but.......if it didn't work out the reality is that you'd be right back living at home, having to hear "I told you so" while doing waht your parents wanted while being that much older but no wiser?

If that's the case, then you're more afraid of ocstracizing your parents in the event this doesn't work, and you do need financial assistance to return to some emblance of independent living...than this is about committing to Will 100% and never looking back if they don't come around to see it your way.

FYI - if the "reasons" that they have are religious - they're likely never to come around to see their way to accepting him or his children as a part of your life. That wouldn't be discrimation against him...that would be a belief that he's morally inappropriate for "them to affiliate with"...not you necessarily but them.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:07pm
I think whats going on here is a mixture of everything everyone has mentioned. The reason I moved back home was not so i could have the clothes and the car, i had both of those things living on my own. at the time i was not ready to be on my own and jumped into that situation too soon, i decided moving back home would be best. the problem i am facing is ultimately between me and my parents and now that im thinking about it, i think it really is a issue of proving independence to my parents. on the other hand erin did mention a point about them being religious and yes that is also a problem and could be driving them to feel how they do. still a big part of me knows it goes deeper than that. i have decided to have a talk with my parents about their expectations of my future and my expectations of them and just to basically talk( we dont do that at all). i have also talked with Will and he feels that in order to continue with this relationship, fixing the problem with my parents will ultimately give our relationship room to grow. the problem is not commitment between me and Will, he supports me and wants me to have a close relationship with my parents. the problem is talking to my parents about things they may not be letting go of and putting the blame on Will. thanks everyone for all your opinoions, you have opened my eyes to some viewpoints i did not stop to see. i will keep you all informed.

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