Future relationship seems doubtful

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Future relationship seems doubtful
12
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:52pm
For the last 13 months i have been dating a wonderful man, however, we've reached a point in our relationship that might bring it to an end and im not willing to see that happen. my problem has to deal with my parents and i am torn between them and the man i want to marry and have a family with. from the momnet we met i was told that the man im dating (we'll call him Will) has been previously married with two children. that is not my problem though. halfway into our relationship he met my parents and all was well, or so i thought. my parents told me that i am better than dating a man with a ex-wife and two children and that they will never approve of our relationship and his children are not welcomed in their home. trying to make the best of the situation, Will kept coming over to my parents house and things seemed to progressivly be getting better. yesterday though my grandparents visited and i casually mentioned Will in one of our conversations and was immediatly told to get rid of him. this upsets me especially when my grandparents havent even met this man, all they know is his past and obviously they dont want to get to know him any better. i told all this to Will and now he feels that he can never be asociated with my family knowing their true feelings of him. it hurts to see him in so much pain when i love him so much. we have had alot of obstacles that we have overcome and i dont want this to be something that stops us from growing together. ive talked to my parents numerous times about the situation and yet their attitude towards all this hasnt and wont change. i want to spend my life with Will, but feel in order to do so it might mean leaving my family. Has anyone been faced with this before and if so what was your outcome? please give me and and all suggestions, good or bad. i need every opinion i can get.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:21pm
That sounds like a great first step - opening a dialogue with your parents. I'll share something with you that may help you see what may be contributing to your parent's viewpoint. My niece is getting married next weekend. She's 22 years old, has never lived on her own (moved from parents to fiance's home a few months ago), no education beyond HS, has only held part-time jobs, and had only one high school BF before him. Her fiance is ten years older than she, and a nice guy. My niece's parents were not happy about her decision to marry because they feel she lacks independence and is not ready for marriage in addition to her strong tendency towards romantic illusions. But they accepted it because her fiance is much more responsible than their daughter and seems to have her best interests at heart. However, if he had been previously married and had kids, they would have objected so strenuously they would not have paid for a wedding. They know she does not have the maturity, experience, or the grounded, practical reasoning skills required to successfuly deal with the challenges that such a marriage would present to her.

I'm not saying that you are lacking in important skill areas like my niece, or that you have romantic illusions, or that your parents think you do. I do think that when you talk to them, you should ask them to be honest with you, that you are willing to hear any reservations they may have about YOUR ability to have a successful happy relationship with him or any guy, and that you won't be defensive about whatever they have to say. Ask them to focus on you first, and tell them how you intend to establish your independence before you marry anyone. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:50pm
Thank you for your advice. Me and Will have been reading all messages posted on this board and feel that everyone's opinion makes a valuable point. For myself I am very optimistic about our relationship, and things between me and my bf are goinf very well. As far as my personal life i am going ti have a long talk with my parents. today i went out and applied for several jobs that can turn into a long term career, planning on going back to school, and working towards moving out into a place of my own once a land a full time job that i can support myself own. i do want to excel and let my parents see how driven i am and how independent i know i can also be.

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