FWB + another man...
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| Fri, 11-21-2003 - 1:15am |
"C" and I have been pretty close friends for about 4 years, and we began sleeping with each other a year into our friendship. It works for us because we really do care about each other, we have the most intoxicating sex, we are comfortable with each other, and we are both satisfied with being good friends who sleep together w/ no strings attached.
My confusion stems from this guy "Q" I have been seeing for about 3 months. We have just been dating and getting to know each other, and there has been no sex. One of the reasons that my situation works out so well for me is because it allows me to get to know men better without having to worry about jumping into bed with them. I'm not missing someone holding me in bed at night, someone taking me out for a night on the town, or suffering from sexual frustration which could lead me to rush things physically with another man. Sounds easy right? For the most part it is, but there is a problem. I am really starting to like Q, and while he knows that C and I are friends, he has NO clue what type of friendship we really have. He just thinks that we are close friends who hang out.
What should I do?
We have never discussed being exclusive, and the only thing I have mentioned about sex was that I liked to take things slow with men. I've dated a lot of men, but I feel a lot of potential between the two of us, and I am definately interested in getting to know him a lot better. We see each other a 2-3 days a week, and have never spent the night over each other's house.
The thing about C and I, is that we can be friends and hang out without having sex. There have been times where we quit sleeping together because we were seeing other people, and it never really changed the friendship. He is one of my closest friends, and ending the friendship is just not an option for me whether it be strictly platonic or FWB.
Is this any of Q's business??? I mean, I talked about this with C last night, and we both agreed that if things got more serious there would be no more FWB as we both value monogamy within a relationship. BTW, we have never slept with other people while we were sleeping together. I would prefer to not tell Q because I know what kind of reaction most people have to my situation, and I also know that if it did get serious, he would probably give me an ultimatum: Either you end the friendship or we can no longer see each other.
I wouldn't even be confused about this if C wasn't going to continue to be a part of my life, but he will be because he is one of the best friends I have ever had.
Advice?

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I will tell you that for the first time in my life, for the last 2.5 months, I have been having sex with an ex boyfriend and we both can and do date others (but we are sexually monogamous) - we are doing so because we love each other still, we hope to get married, but because I was the one who kept running away and being ambivalent from time to time over the last 5 years at this point he is not ready to try again, 100% - so far it is working "ok" - because I know and trust him with everything, because we love each other, because we have serious intentions and because the sex is only if I really want to - if I don't, he would still want to be with me - in whatever capacity - to see if we should be exclusive and get married. So it is sex without a commitment - and that bothers me, values -wise so I am not sure how much longer it should go on. If I met someone knew and we dated for several months and decided to have sex I would tell him when the last time I had sex was and that he is completely STD free (he has only been with one other person, 7 years ago, and gets checked about every 2 months when he donates blood).
Sorry so long, just my humble opinion - good luck.
I've told all the "dates" once we discussed exclusivity, and that we were trying to take it to another level not just physically - prior to EVER getting sexual with them - R& I aren't dating, but we're FWB and we're going to remain friends, no matter what.
I've found a myriad of responses -none of which did anything but open doors and avenues to positive things.
A few guys were like "Gross, you're a woman who can do sex without emotional attachment. I don't wnat you in my life." Good, we got that out of the way.
A few guys were like "Cool, you're a woman that can do sex without emotional attachment. Could we consider that for us if we don't work out?" Good, we got out that of the way.
A few guys were like "It seems that is your business and if we're going to get more serious, I would expect you to stop sleeping with him and you'd have to restructure the friendship so that nobody gets suspicious, hurt, upset, or paranoid. By restructure, I don't mean that your emotional bond would change, I mean that you'd make it perfectly clear that being with him in secluded areas, or alone, or taking time off to yourselves for weekends and such as you do now, would not happen." One of them - I kept around...he had the concept.
R was and is my biggest fan....my great friend....but when you get sex involved you really do need to expect and accept that there is going to be restructure involved when you find a mate. How you would you feel about, would you tolerate - your man having an FWB situation in play, ending it because you two got serious, but he continued to have lunch, dinner, and go on weekend camping trips with "just her" - I doubt it. And naturally, R understood that too -he's still my biggest fan, and my great friend.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
To be completely honest, I haven't always told guys I've dated in the past about our relationship. I just felt that if we weren't going to be sexual or exclusive, it was none of their business. As far as the whole STD thing, I said in my original post that we have always been sexually exclusive while sleeping together. I also don't sleep with people who haven't recently been tested and neither does he. I feel that it does not make me less of a person to have regular booty and not jump into bed with other men. I have often seen where lust will drive me to think there is a connection between me and another person early on in the relationship, and this kills some of those urges so I can see things more clearly. Some people are okay without sex, but I am not one of those people lol. I need and want it on a regular basis, but I am not interested in putting more notches in my belt or exposing myself to STDs if I don't have to.
I know that I am not giving "Q" my all, but it has only been 3 months, and I am not entirely sure I want to give him anything else. It takes me a while to get to know someone and find out if they are a fake or not or to decide if it's something I want to invest in. A lot of people find me very attractive, and you can't ever really know what someone else's intentions are unless you hang in there and observe. I have had men wait 3-4 months just for some play because they had no intentions of staying in it for the long haul. Would have fooled me had I slept with them because the signs weren't there. If Hollywood wants to me recruit some incredible actors, let me know. We aren't at that mark yet, and I will definately tell him about my FWB before we get there.
Once again, thanks for helping me out. I feel much better.
You're not planning on telling him WHO your FWB is, though, are you????
That would be entirely TMI!!!!
I see now reason to tell Q details about your relationship with C. He hasn't asked these kinds of questions, so there's no reason to bring it up.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
It's a moral dilema I am facing.
Would you want to know if your SO was friends with someone they had this type of relationship with? Personally, as long as they are no longer sleeping together, I don't feel *I* need to know their business as it couldn't create anything positive. I also believe in completely trusting the person you are with, and if you can't do that, you don't need to be with them anyway. HOWEVER, based on other people's opinions, telling your SO is the correct thing to do if you are advocating honesty. Just because the other person you had the FWB will still be in the picture in some way, and they have the right to know. But do they really? See, this is why I am posting on this board.
If I am no longer sleeping with Cesar, but we are still friends, do I have to tell my SO of our past together?
Part of me thinks I should tell, but the other part of me thinks it is TMI. That it will only attribute to negative feelings of jealousy or mistrust. I am a totally trustworthy person and commit myself to monogamy within a relationship. I have never cheated on anyone, and never intend to do it either. By telling this little fact about myself (FWB), it might lead the other person to think that I am a cheater or that I would be sleeping with him while in another relationship. If everyone understood a true FWB situation (a lot of people claim to do this, but it's usually one person wanting more than the other and someone gets hurt), this wouldn't be a problem.
Deena- I understand what you are saying, but it's hard for me to explain why this situation works and have other people understand it. I think your situation is totally different, as the two of you are moving towards another goal. I don't think I could sleep with someone who I had stronger feelings for without committment. I need to know where our relationship is heading for me to go there with someone else. So I also understand how you feel, and why you don't know if you can do it much longer. My goal is to be in this relationship until I find someone I am truly compatible with. We take care of each other's physical needs in the FWB, but we also take care of each other's emotional needs in our friendship. I have never been in a relationship like this with anyone else, and honestly, I never thought I could just sleep with someone without getting emotionally attached. The truth is, I am attached to him emotionally and I have invested a lot into him, but as a friend. There are some things about him (and vice versa) that make us incompatible as life partners, not to mention that we don't have romantic feelings towards each other. I love him to death and the sex is just a perk- take that away and we would still have an incredible friendship. I feel no jealousy when he is dating other people, and neither does he. We are both in sync with each other and our situation so that's another reason why it works. This might sound odd to people, but according to my defination of soul mates, he is mine. We are in sync with each other's souls...we just don't have the romantic connection or the desire to be with each other. Erin said that her FWB partner is her biggest fan, and I feel the same way. I am his biggest fan as well.
I think a lot of the reason why people get into bad relationships or ones that just won't work out is because they feel they were missing so much to begin with, and want whatever that is so bad that they settle or jump into things too fast. I am not missing physical attention, emotional connection, support, etc., and so those aren't things that drive me to want to be with other people. I want to be with someone else because they are a great person, we share similiar goals, we want the same things out of life, we value the same things, we are compatible, and we love each other. I feel that if I am not needy (because I am already fulfilled in many areas), I won't make getting a relationship my goal. Which I don't. This is just one of the friendships that makes my heart flutter, I have some of the most amazing women in my life too. Getting married and raising a family is a goal of mine, but it in no way drives me at all. On the other hand, if I were not in this FWB, it might drive me more to find someone. I date quite frequently, but the truth is, I just haven't met anyone that I wanted to have a future with. There are certain qualities and values that I can't compromise, and it has been hard finding that in another person. It has also been hard finding someone else who doesn't come off as needy to me, and that just blows my mind. It also makes it harder that I have such great friends- that puts a lot of expectations on potential mates, and most of the time they fail. I'm confident that I will find a partner that suits me one day because I am a great person with a good head on my shoulders, I am attractive, I have a strong sense of who I am, I have beautiful friendships, and I have a good heart. It's just that I prefer to not take the all or nothing approach.
I would never lie to someone about our friendship, but I am questioning giving the details. I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone how much I love him and how close we are, but I don't know if it's necessary to add that we are intimate with each other when we aren't in exclusive relationships with other people.
Sorry that I ran off topic and rambled a bit, but I just want the best advice that I can get. Q seems to be a person that I could be very compatible with, and I haven't felt this way about a potential mate in a long while. If I tell him, I run the risk of having him not understand (which, once again, most people do not), and labeling me as someone I am not. I also just really don't know if it's his business. I have no desire to know about his sex life unless he puts me at risk for something, but I also wouldn't consider sleeping with him unless he got tested and I knew for sure he was safe. This means that if he is friends with someone he has slept with, I really don't want to know about it unless there is a chance he won't be monogamous or exclusive. I have always tried to treat other people the way I want to be treated, but in this case, the way I want to be treated MIGHT not be the way other people want to be treated.
Does this make more sense?
That would be ideal, wouldn't it? We are just not compatible in that sense and we do not share romantic feelings for one another. We actually became friends through dating when a good friend of mine met him and thought there might be a connection. We went out on two dates, and we just realized that the romantic connection was not there, but we loved spending time with each other. We nutured our friendship for about a year until we ever slept together, and all of the details had been worked out before venturing into bed. I would also never cheat on anyone, and whenever the possibility of sleeping with someone else has came up, we have always ended the FWB and just resumed being platonic friends. This might sound bizarre or like a fib, but it hasn't ever changed our relationship as far as the emotional bond goes. Of course, we no longer slept over each other's houses or held each other at night, we no longer took trips together (we go to Mexico quite frequently when our schedules permit), and we no longer hung out in seclusion. We would just meet up with mutual friends for dinner, outdoor activities, or drinks and talked on the phone.
this is strange, indeed.
every relationship is different, so, please pardon my reaction.
but but but a friendship like this will have this same exact reaction, most likely
i know u like Q but r u serious ab. him? so serious that u want want want to leave ur best friend? which is more important to u? u must decide i'm not so sure that u want to leave ur best friend/lover C he is a lover if u r making love to him
face the facts so when u r ready to leave C, then u will be ready to meet other guys and see them, and maybe b/come serious w one. i think that u and C r more than best friends. u r factually lovers and best friends
u must choose, u must choose. u just met Q u don't have to tell him about C right now cuz u may not end see him for more than a few months, but u definitely don't wannna leave C
gotta choose
best of luck
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