Gamming Addiction or Just Lonely
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| Thu, 08-28-2008 - 1:32am |
I am having an issue with my husband.
We were high school sweethearts and we have been married for several years now. We are having a couple of issues that I need advice on.
First, over the summer I was out of town for a few weeks on business. When I returned home, a few days later I noticed something was different. I finally figured out that our wedding pictures were off the wall, shoved under the couch. The first time I ask, he claimed to be cleaning and forgot to put them back up. Upon further questioning, he finally admitted that he was going to have a few of the guys from work over. They were going to bring over some girls and he didn't want to look like the married guy. (Side note, the wedding pictures are not the only thing that makes him look like a married guy. Take the 3 bedroom house, fully stocked kitchen and decorating no single guy could pull off). Anyways, nothing happened because the guys never came over. I believe him about that.
When I asked him why he felt the need to appear that he wasn't married, he claimed that he just wanted to be liked by the other guys. He doesn't have many good guy friends and is having trouble making friends. I understand this because I am not the best at making new friends and only have one or two good friends. The others tend to be fair-weather friends who change with the season.
Another problem I am having is with his playing video games. After we discussed the above issue and resolved it, we determined that we need to spend more time on our relationship and more time in general with each other. However, now when he gets home from work, he goes straight to playing his games. I am in one room and he is in another. I am not asking to have his attention every waking moment, but this gaming problem is getting worse as he can easily play for 5 or 6 hours straight. Again, when I questioned him about his antics, he claimed that that was the only way of having an outside social life (the game is interactive).
So, I am wondering if there is anything anyone can suggest where we can meet new friends? We do not go out to the bars or like parties very much. We are not religious and very busy. What do other couples do?
Thanks for listening,
Emerald Wife

I has a male who still does videogame and has done so in relationships without it causing problems will try and give my perspective on that.
I live in the UK and as such my previous girlfriends who not into videogaming watched soap operas - which I endured and in turn mayhave spent an hour or two. However that was usually after cooking or doing the dishes and the girlfriends in question would be in a bath I drew or next to me reading a magazine or just cuddled up as I did with soap operas.
Perhaps it may be because my games were not that violent or full of profanity plus I tried to manage them in small blocks to get my money's worth out of the game also.
As far as would say anyone who spends that much time as your husband does - is addicted and needs help.
My previous girlfriend was into videogaming and would join in, but then when she didnt I played when she babysat her nieces or if she was watching something else that she knew I didnt like, so we had a natural comprise, yet it was never a problem.
I could argue that a Nintendo Wii and the fun mini games allows you to enjoy some gaming and get it a bit more social. Here in the UK we have bars that have games evenings to win prizes and make it more social I suppose it depends on what he play and how you would feel being in a crowd of gamers, and maybe isnt the answer.
I think he needs to firstly face his addiction and his lack of spending time with you and not his toys. Also I dont agree with his hide the marriage viewpoint, his friends should know he is married and he should not hide it ever.
I am single (not from gaming i must add) but I think your and your husband need to address the hiding the marriage thing, and then perhaps you need to take a stronger foothold and do things together.
Could you start with a museum or festival where videogames are featured or material that relates to his games, and build from that.
Examples if
Car games - car museums - motorshows
War games - memorial weekends
Horror games ......
Is it possible to get the wives and partners around of the gamers he plays with so it becomes a social thing and perhaps there are other men who can see he is too involved and come coerce him out if it and spend more time with you.
Sorry I havent been of great help but my experience has an addict during my university years tells me he has an addiction. One can still game when married but the balance has to be right and as you say and i agree this is not a balance when he ummmm neglects you.
Is there any other common interest you both had that could get you out - even if its the small things such as food - pictures then lead on to music concerts/live music in bars/clubs, comedy - the neutral things before bigger culture.
Welcome to the board emerald_wife,
I would recommend that you schedule a weekly 'date night' with your husband. It will give the two of you quaility time together, he can still play the game other nights and it might spark an interest outside of the house.
Hi there...I am in the same kind of situation as you are! I too married my high school sweetheart and we have been married 12 years. My hubby has always had an obessive personality when it comes to things he's interested in, like say sports. He's always played video games but nothing like what he has been doing with this interactive computer
It sounds to me as though your husband needs some good therapy. He has probelms connecting and relating to others (including to you), and feels lonely because of it. This cannot be resolved simply by doing more things together, there is something within him that he is uncomfortable about. He needs to work on himself, understand his own feelings and blocks. Spending so much time with interactive games is an addiction, and it is a way of isolating himself from real contact. I strongly urge you to help him get the help he needs.
Best wishes,
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