Gay man married to woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Gay man married to woman
3
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 5:59pm
Hello, my name is "Vince." I have a wonderful wife I'll call "Mandy."
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 6:36pm

There is always good counselling available, even at a low cost. It does sound as though the two of you would benefit greatly from working this through with professional help. Check with your local hospitals and clinics, or with a university that has graduate, professional training programs, where help is often provided at a low cost.


It is certainly difficult to feel attracted to men and married to a woman. She must feel the consequences of your lack of sexual desire for her as well. As you have made this choice, it is important for you to seek out and find the help that would allow you to work through the many issues and feelings that are stirred up. Fighting and bickering can become an outlet for feelings of not being loved and wanted.


Take good care,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:28am

Things will not improve because you are gay and probably not really attracted to women, no matter how religious you are - biology is biology and you are just wired the way you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:41am

It is your own decision when to come out - if ever - but you have another person involved in it now, your wife, and if you don't want to hurt her then you should let her go. She deserves an honest and fulfilling marriage, and if you are gay then this is all a sham. You cannot "leave homosexuality behind" any more than a heterosexual can decide to become gay. It's part of who you are, whether or not you're acting on it. You do not have to embrace homosexuality if it bothers you religiously, but the unfortunate consequence of not accepting it is that your life will never be completely honest and you are now hurting another person because of it.

I can't tell you what's best for you, but marriage counseling does not take away homosexual feelings. I have known many, many homosexual men - many of them religious - and after coming out their only regret was not doing it sooner. Unfortunately it's the moral decision between living the way that, deep down, you know you're meant to, or living the rest of your life lying to yourself and other people. I know you do not intend to hurt your wife, but I really feel for her because I'm sure she doesn't deserve this.

Good luck, this is one of the hardest problems anyone can have and there's never a perfect answer that can make everyone happy.