Get back w/ex?

Avatar for emfrevlar
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Get back w/ex?
6
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 6:58pm
I need your help!!! I had been with Mike for 5 1/2 years - lived with him for about 2 1/2 out of the 5 (2 with his parents & 1/2 on our own). I left him in the end of Nov. because I felt very lonely - he had a hobby/job which he put WAY too much time into. I felt like I came second - ALWAYS!!! So as a result of this and just my being unhappy (and probably depressed), I left him while he was away.

Meanwhile, we have both gotten into relationships and just two days ago met up for the first time since the break-up. We both spilled our guts and concluded that we still love each other VERY much and that he realized what was wrong and he has changed as a person. He tells me that things are good in his relationship right now, but is willing to get back with me because I'm all he thinks about still!!! I am VERY touched after hearing this, only I can't quite get it past me that he IS willing to try again after I left with no warning (other than both of us knowing things weren't so hot). He has, however, expressed his concern about how this new girl will react to "if" he were to break up with her.

I definitely want to try again. My current relationship is ok, but I as well think about him constantly. I am unsure about two things:

1. Is it possible for this to work if we DO get back together?

-and-

2. Why do I find it so hard to believe him that he does want to try again after that way I handled the break-up?

Please help!!!

I don't even want to be spending V-Day with my current man - and suppossedly the same goes for my ex!!!

Thanks for any advice,

Emily :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 7:45pm
'he realized what was wrong and he has changed as a person.'

How exactly has he changed? What kind of time does he put into his hobby or work or anything else. Is his life balanced now-why and how?

'He tells me that things are good in his relationship right now, but is willing to get back with me because I'm all he thinks about still!!!'

Ouch! Wait a minute. He is in a good realtionship? that doesn't make sense. It can't be so good if he thinks he is in love with you? What if you get back together and he tells you 'things are good.' Are you going to wonder if he is going out to meet his ex the next day to spill his guts to her? Is he going to stay with her if you say no to getting back together? Do you want someone that is on the rebound?

'I can't quite get it past me that he IS willing to try again after I left with no warning...Why do I find it so hard to believe him that he does want to try again after that way I handled the break-up? '

Maybe it will help him to justify leaving his girlfriend with no warning when things are 'good'

Avatar for emfrevlar
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:06pm
Thanks for your response.

'How exactly has he changed? What kind of time does he put into his hobby or work or anything else. Is his life balanced now-why and how?'

He told me that he realized that he had been putting his hobby first - to too much of an extreme. He has since the breakup almost ended his participation in the hobby. He also said that he sees how he is with "her" and notices a difference - as a result of cutting (way) back on the hobby (among other minor, but significant changes). BTW - I did mention that perhaps he feels he different with her simply because she is a different person than me - he says no.

'Maybe it will help him to justify leaving his girlfriend with no warning when things are 'good' '

I disagree - I know that the last thing he would want to do is to hurt anyone - at least in the same way I did (by leaving him with not telling first).

He tells me that he knows he wants to be with ME but he needs to first get over the hurdle of knowing that I will NEVER do this again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 3:03pm
I am in the same boat you are in exept I married a man doesn't love me as much as my exboyfrien. My ex contacted me after 7 years of being apart. He has a life with somebody else but we have allways thought about eachother and feel very strong about each other. I have problems in my marriage but I'm not always happy. I've been depress for years about it but to scare to do anything. I thing you need to go with your heart. If you don't love and worship the man you are with don't be with him, it will only make you unhappy. Make sure he is totally crazy in love with you also b/c you deserve to be with somebody that thinks you are his princess. Think about what you feel and what you want in life.

I hope this open some windows.

ps. The person that answer you before answer my post also and I feel like she just criticizes people instead of helpping.

dkirk2000


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 7:02am

I really realy don't know what to tell you about getting together with your ex. I guess you will really have to think about this thru - was his putting you last on his list the ONLY problem? was that the *problem* or an issue (symptom)? I don't have the answer to that. its possible that you were both very excited about seeing each other, you may have had some unfinished business to deal with (leaving the way you did), and you may be feeling very flattered (or not?) that he is willing to leave his current GF *for you*.


what I do think, however, (and I know this is not what you asked, but still) is that you really really need to break up with your current BF, no matter what happens with your ex. I think you are not being fair to him, or to you, you don't really love him.


sometimes - we just need to be on our own for a while, and think about what we want and what we don't want.


Avatar for emfrevlar
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 7:22pm
dkirk - I'm glad you can kinda relate. Plus, the fact that you feel like your ex loves you more - don't you ever feel like you belong with him? That's what's going through my head!!! We talked about our problems, know what we have to work on and are both willing to try again. We both know that no matter what, we will ALWAYS love each other very much. It is difficult for me to see my future with anyone else - and not just because I saw him again, or that he's with someone else, or that I've even tested the waters with someone else. I just know that no one else will EVER love me the way he (did &) does.
Avatar for emfrevlar
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
In reply to: emfrevlar
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 7:36pm
Thanks for your input!!! His putting me last is what triggered many other problems. Because I came last (or close to), we would never do very much together other than sit around and watch "our shows" which is ok, but not ALL THE TIME!!! Then when we last talked, he mentioned how he & new girl went snowboarding (for example) - something I was after him to do forever (I offered to teach him since we had gotten together - never happened). Once I heard that - it really hurt!!! I thought - here you are with someone for 2 months and you're doing things we should've done together. He responded - well now I realize what I had missed out on all this time (amond MANY other things). We both (and this came up in our recent talk) took each other for granted. (I have to take some blame). I AM flattered - not surprised, flattered - that he is willing to leave his current gf for me. But I honestly would've been ok if he didn't want to at all because I left HIM, but for a good reason - everything just kinda goes in a circle in my situation :(

Ya see, the thing with my current bf - it's only been 2 months (I don't fall in love THAT soon). So are you saying it's a bad thing that I'm "talking behind his back", or "talking behind his back with the intentions unknown to him"?