Get my woman into her appearance?
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| Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:29am |
Ladies please help me. I have a wonderful and amazing girlfriend. She's very sweet, intelligent, pretty, fun and we get along great. However, my girlfriend is not into keeping up her appearance. She hates shopping and is not a great dresser. When we started dating I was so blown away by her inner beauty I did not focus on her presentation. I was so excited to meet such a genuine and beautiful women. As time has passed and we've been together longer it has become appearant. I guess that is my fault for not zeroing in from the start. Anyways, I myself am a fairly stylish guy and I would like to see the same in my counterpart. She is truly naturally VERY, VERY, VERY pretty but doesn't know to bring herself out. I have had to veto several items in her closet b/c I cannot tolerate looking at them as they hurt my head and eyes and diminishes the level at which she appeals to be sexy. She despises shopping and fashion and thinks that I'm trying to change her by trying to make her interested. She also believes that fashion is nonsense, materialistic and not important. Too an extent I do agree if it was an obsession. But as a women I think she should look nice. It's kind of akward for me too walking around looking better than my girlfriend. And even more frustrating, because she is so naturally pretty. It seems like her clothes wear her and not the other way around. At some point I got so frustrated that I went out and started buying her clothes b/c I couldn't take it anymore. Luckily, she began to start wearing them. It is a huge improvement. She's even started getting responses from some of her friends about it on how nice she looks. After buying her almost a new wardrobe, she'll generally wear it about 65% of the time. Somedays I have to rough it out the other 35% of the time. Now, how can I make her interested in her look? I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the women's section of department stores. And I want her to also look cute and sexy to me. Somtimes (rarely) I get lucky and she puts on something that looks good on her (like I said she's really pretty and curvy too I must add =)~ ) and it rocks my world. I think physical attraction is very essential element of the relationship. I don't want her to become obsessed with her style or for it to be a center focal point in her life. But I want her to take some interest in looking nice. I don't think I'm asking too much. Ladies, please help me. She is my dream girl and I need help.

Hey,
I am one of those girls like you girlfriend. I have a really hard time with style. I would SO appreciate it if my h did what you have done for your girlfriend, but he doesn't seem to be too into style so I guess maybe it's not a problem here. The reason I have a hard time with it is because I grew up in a home where it wasn't appreciated. In fact, looks were kind of a "bad" thing. It was all about personality. I want to be more girly, but I have a hard time knowing how or feeling okay spending money on myself sometimes. Does your girlfriend have issues stemming from her past? If so, she is going to have a hard time changing and she won't be able to change for you, but will have to for herself. If she doesn't feel good about herself, letting her know that you feel there is something "wrong" with her all the time won't help.
Nonetheless, all you can do is what you've done, really. You cannot make her more "in" to fashion, as you said. She is who she is.
You can encourage her (Gently! Make sure you don't come across as trying to change her, or she may think she isn't good enough for you and lose self-esteem). By encouraging her I mean complimenting little things about her appearance that you do like (not overkill though, just mention it once in awhile).
You cannot change her, but you can create an environment condusive to change.
Good Luck!
As someone who is a casual dresser and has no desire to be anything OTHER than a casual dresser, I'd be pretty offended by any efforts to change me and not accept me as I am.
She's right--you ARE trying to change her. You need to accept the person you're with for who they ARE, not who you want them to be. If you can't accept her AS IS, with the small changes she's already made for you, then you need to move on--you're not a good fit for each other and you'll just both be stressed out.
Sheri
As much as I hate to admit it, I know what you mean. I dated a great guy in his late 30s when I was in my mid 20s who had some terrible clothes. Usually, I don't even notice clothes but when it is that bad, you can't help it. I'm a pretty simple gal myself and I spend under $20 for everything I have but you can get great looking fashionable clothes on the Macy's clearance rack! This nice guy would wear a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt for a nice dinner out, etc. If he wasn't able to afford it, not problem, but he had tons of money. Good for him that he didn't care, but at the same time when you are dating it is still a time for dating, as in make an effort. We make the effort to plan nice dates, make nice dinners, etc., so what's wrong with someone wanting their partner to make an effort to dress for a date, too?
I was great friends with a divorce attorney who used to say the dating game doesn't stop until you walk down the ailse and even then, try not to ever take each other for granted and do it up for each other every now and then. He had seen it all lol!
Edited to add - my current bf wore terrible hawian (sp?) shirts when we started dating. Not all the time, but they would make the rotation. My gay friend commented to me what i was already thinking, that he looked better in earth tones, and I told my guy what he said. I never saw the shirts again and I wasn't trying to change him as in who he is, but just those shirts!
Edited 3/25/2007 9:15 am ET by ldp328
'After buying her almost a new wardrobe, she'll generally wear it about 65% of the time.'
Honestly I am amazed that she has done that much without resentment. Count your blessings and stop trying to change her!
"I don't want to be distracted by looking at other women when my girlfriend is super attractive but doesn't know how to show it."
This quote kind of made me shudder. If you're distracted by other women, that's *your* responsibility, not your girlfriend's. It's not her fault if you can't control yourself enough to keep your eyes on your so-called "dream girl" and off of other women.
That said, there's certainly nothing wrong with buying your girlfriend nice clothes occasionally, and it's great that she wears them most of the time.
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