Getting back the love of my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Getting back the love of my life
5
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 6:38pm
I've never posted a message before but I am very interested in hearing a 3rd party opinion on my situation. I met my love a couple of years ago and love was immediate for both of us. The connection was undeniable. We talked about being together forever within a month. We had a great intimacy, we were each others best friends, our conversations beautiful, enjoyed the same things. He was the most romantic, loving, most nonjudgemental man I've ever know -and so so loaded with integrity. The problem was, my last realtionship was a very brief marriage that broke up after 5 months b/c my ex-husband one day became enraged and physically abused me. I left that day and never looked back. Unfortunately, the scars never left. Sadly, in this next relationship I was searching for perfection - afraid to let the littlest things slip by and be fooled again as I had been in my marriage. Our relationship was further complicated by the fact that we were long distance. I should have moved to be with him. But tragically instead, I broke up with this wonderful man over very petty reasons. Ironically, I know that we needed this break up for me to understand just how much we were meant to be together. I broke up a recent relationship after 9 months because I have recently realized I never stopped loving him, that he is the love of my life, and I need to get him back. Problem is, he lives across the country and is in love and happy with another woman. We've been talking for the past couple of months - me telling him about the mistakes I made letting him go, how I feel with every fiber of my being we are meant to be together. He was decidedly undecided about what to do - very shocked as well at this turn of events. He told me how hard it was to move on from me, that it actually took counseling, but he finally "came out of the hole" that he was living in. It came down to a phone call last week, a very intense, sad conversation in which I basically asked for an answer..I pushed him. And in so many words he told me he is happy and that he has moved on. However, he also said nothing is 100%, asked me to "chill out" and in so many words (If I read him correctly) he proposed that I ride this "current relationship" out, he also said he would like to see me sometime soon. I'm not sure even he was aware of these subtle little ambiguities he was putting out there. My gut, my instinct tells me to hang in there, wait this relationship out and he will realize, as I have, that we are the loves of each others lives and come back to me as I have to him.

I'm not crazy. This was really the real deal - and I screwed it up. He was totally, completely in love with me. Among other romantic gestures he once had soup delivered to my apartment when I was sick - b/c he couldn't be there to nurse me to health - from a restaurant that doesn't deliver, none the less.

I am 29 years old, pretty, smart, fun a great catch. While I don't want to jeopardize my happiness I think he's definitely worth the wait - afterall look at what I put him through. I just need from a man's perspective what he may be thinking right now. How to I cope in the meantime? Do I should remain "friends" with him with a quick talk every month or so to keep me in his mind? How do i let him know, without bothering his life, tha I'm still here. Please help me.

I read your column all the time and I'm so impressed by the advice you give. I would appreciate it GREATLY if you could let me know your advice.

Sincerely,

Jennie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 6:55pm
Hi Jennie,

Personally, I think you should leave the guy alone. If you push, you can get him to say anything. If you flatter him enough, share enough emotional stuff with you, you'll get him hooked on the attention and flirting, but getting back into a real relationship while he has a girlfriend is not good. If he would be lured away from this new gal, what would that say about his character? I'm also wondering why you feel what you want (him) is more important than anything else, meaning where's your integrity? He's got a girlfriend, that means he's UNAVAILALBE. If you have to convenience him that you are suppose to be together, well, I'm trying to say - don't you want it to be MUTUAL? Don't you want him to feel the same way about you that you feel about him and want the same kind of relationship that you want, without being coaxed, convenienced, manipulated, etc?

He said he went to counseling, did you go? Did you deal with your issues? I hope so. My best to you. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 7:19pm
Hi, Thanks for you reply. I may have misrepresented myself. I in no way want to break his relationship up. I want him to come back to me on his own. I'm just in such heartache right now and wanted to get some feedback I guess. Possibly from someone who has been in my shoes, and it has worked out in the end for them. I'm not going to push him. I believe that this relationship will end eventually and he will come back to me. I'm wondering if I should remain friends with him. I truly do not believe that anyone else is meant for either of us. I'm willing to be patient, just very very sad that I let him go and that for right now I can't be with him. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but he is worth it 1000 fold if we work out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:22pm
::I in no way want to break his relationship up. I want him to come back to me on his own.

Ok, if the roles were reversed, poof you are in a relationship, you love the guy, you are happy, then x-love of your life calls you, pours his heart out to you, says he wants you back, had this conversation with you:

We've been talking for the past couple of months - me telling him about the mistakes I made letting him go, how I feel with every fiber of my being we are meant to be together. He was decidedly undecided about what to do - very shocked as well at this turn of events.

It came down to a phone call last week, a very intense, sad conversation in which I basically asked for an answer..I pushed him. And in so many words he told me he is happy and that he has moved on. However, he also said nothing is 100%, asked me to "chill out" and in so many words (If I read him correctly) he proposed that I ride this "current relationship" out, he also said he would like to see me sometime soon. I'm not sure even he was aware of these subtle little ambiguities he was putting out there.

How would your now bf feel if you had this conversation? Betrayed, hurt, angry, lied to.... so while you in no way want to break his relationship up - that's exactly what has to happen for you to get what you want. So that means on a subconscious level you think if you remain friends, keep in touch, you will nudge him in your direction. I mean, he can't forget about you, if you are always calling, talking, secretly, I might add, this poor girl (his girlfriend) has no clue this is going on. He's lying by omission.

But your part in it - your heart is breaking....I understand that, I know it's painful, but remaining his 'friend' when it's clear to everyone (and him) that you want more, is not a healthy choice for you. Sometimes the window of opportunity passes us by.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:18pm
I have to disagree. I don't believe that anything I do or say is going to "make" him break up with her OR stay with her. I've said my peace. Something I would have regretted for the REST OF MY LIFE if I hadn't done, and the rest is now in his hands. If something I said does break this relationship up.....it probably didn't much of a chance to begin with. This is way too important for me to have kept my mouth shut. Love is the most important thing in life afterall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:25pm
I tend to agree with itwinflame on issues, and I agree with her on this. What do you mean you aren't trying to break up his current relationship? You talked to this guy hoping he'd break up with her and be with you..."see the light" so to speak. That means that yes, you are 100% trying to break them up. Otherwise, how would you be together right?

Now lets say in the future he decides to be with you. You get together and things are going great. Then this girl calls him up telling him how wrong the break up was and how she loves him with all her heart and with every fiber of her being she knows they were meant to be. She does this and she has these conversations with him. What would you do? From how much you want this guy, I'd be willing to bet you'd throw a fit, esp if he was considering it which is what he KIND OF seems to be doing with you. Now imagine that happening to you and then you say again that what you are doing isn't going to affect his current relationship?

That's fine to be friends with someone and tell them you regret the past and that you do have feelings for them...but to sit and have conversations with them and cry out with every fiber of your being...yada yada yada... Frankly it seems manipulative and a little desperate. What makes you think it's going to work now when it didn't then? I know people change...but it looks like he's changed and gone another way, with someone else. It would probably be really good for you to go to counceling and find someone who knows with every fiber of HIS being that YOU are the one for him. You deserve someone who loves you like you love them.

Good luck.