Getting over my past

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Getting over my past
1
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:06pm
My ex boyfriend and I dated for over 3 1/2 years before we broke up. I'm now with someone new but am really confused on how to act in this relationship. My ex boyfriend treated me really badly. He would lose his temper all the time, turning around conversations so that the simpliest conversation turned into World War II. He would belittle me and yell until I gave up an argument, after which he would lecture me for hours on end, forcing me to agree that he was right. He made a hobby of putting down things that I cared about and was proud of. He didn't like me hanging out with my friends unless he was there, and afterwards would make fun of them. He even told me that he didn't like me smiling when he wasn't around because my smile should be for him only. He would pick fights at really bad times, mostly when I had to study for exams or had a ton of homework. Things got really bad when he moved away to go to school. I live in a dorm at college, and he would get mad if I wasn't in my room (I was only "allowed" to go to class). He would even get mad if I left to go to the dining hall with friends. We fought every night over little things. I wasn't even allowed to hang out with some friends on the floor unless I had both my room phone and cell phone, and once he called I had to leave and spend hours on the phone with him, usually arguing. All of this came on slowly throughout the relationship and I never really realized the extent of how bad things had gotten until we broke up. To make things worse, he had serious depression problems that got worse after I broke up with him. He would demand that I couldn't see/talk to anyone else even though we weren't together anymore, because he was convinced we would get back together. He almost had to be hospitalized because he couldn't deal with the fact that we weren't together, and then held this fact over my head. I had to cut myself off completely just to get away.

While the relationship was going downhill I started talking to my current boyfriend, who gave me the courage to break up with my ex. Now we're together and he's amazing to me. He knows most of the details of my previous relationship and is very understanding and patient when it comes to me getting used to a normal relationship. My entire family loves him and everything feels like it is finally "good" again. But now I'm starting to feel really insecure. He hasn't done anything to make me feel like this, but I'm having a hard time coping being in a normal relationship. I want to be with him all of the time and get really jealous when he wants to hang out with his friends instead of me. This relationship is really important to me and I don't want to scare him away, or smother him like my ex did to me. How can I get over my past to be in a normal relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:17pm
::but I'm having a hard time coping being in a normal relationship. I want to be with him all of the time and get really jealous when he wants to hang out with his friends instead of me. This relationship is really important to me and I don't want to scare him away, or smother him like my ex did to me. How can I get over my past to be in a normal relationship?

Counseling. You have to heal the past abusive relationship and the symptoms, self-esteem issues that went with it and figure out why you don't believe you deserve better and get to a place where you can accept better (current relationship).

YOU are NOT less than because you ex was abusive (emotionally and mentally). You have to reprogram your thinking and it takes time.

My best to you.


Carrie